Outward Bound

6

It was routine now.
Lights
Siren
Running shoes. They had even gotten used to sleeping in their running gear. They found they were keeping pace with each other without intentionally running together. Even on this three-hour hike up through the bush to the overnight camp, they had been not far from each other. Maia had noticed Millie making more effort to get Wikitoria’s attention.
She frowned. Ever since the girl had asked her about Wikitoria’s sexuality, she’d just had this feeling that her Mataara teammate was the kind to break the rules and be happy to test the waters with her girlfriend. Girlfriend? She stopped catching the view of the mountains at the side of the campsite. “Wow.”
“Isn’t it crazy...” She heard Frankie drop his backpack on the ground. He smiled at her. “We must do this bloody stuff to see how good our country is. Trees, forests, wildlife.” He breathed in, letting his lungs take it all in. “but it’s so worth it.” He looked back at her.
“Yes, it is.” Marco stopped beside them, dropping his backpack. He looked out, taking in the same mountain air. “I never tire of it.”
Ruby stood up on the large rock, drawing attention from them all. “Welcome to Mahau Point. You are standing in the heart of the Picton Ranges. First, we will set up the tents and the camp and then start on dinner.”
Wikitoria watched those carrying tent supplies head over to Andy as she and Naydeen headed over to set up kitchen supplies with several others.
Once the tents were up, they all helped set up their beds. Dropping her sleeping bag, Wikitoria looked up to see Millie dropping her sleeping bag next to hers.
“Oh.” She looked over the girl’s shoulder. “there’s enough room for all of us.”
“Yeah, I know.” Millie waved to her spot. “I get cold at night. Figured you’d keep me warm.” Wikitoria felt her mouth suddenly dry up. A nervous smile immediately came to her face. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
“Haa!” She blushed, clearing her throat. “I ah, actually get pretty hot, sweaty it is yuck, I can’t sleep next to....” Her eye caught Maia coming in with her bedding. “Um...”
Maia looked up, catching her eyes on her. She noticed the silly smile on her flushed face; Millie was standing close enough to breathe on her, her sleeping bag thrown down in the spot next to hers. Wikitoria saw her brow knit as her flatmate chucked down her sleeping bag over the other side, heading back out of the tent.
“Hey, um...” Wikitoria quickly picked up her sleeping bag. “I’m just....” She threw her bag down next to Maia’s, heading out into the open, finding her taking in the view.
“Wiki! Help me with this.”
Maia turned around, watching her go with Ruby. She uncrossed her arms, returning to the mountain view just as Frankie walked between them. “I hope it doesn’t get cold tonight. Don’t exactly want one of the guys spooning me.” He laughed, trying to lighten the hard look on her normally soft features. He wet his lip. “Or we could just sleep out under the stars; what do you think?” Maia looked up at him. His eyebrow flicked as he flirted. She gave him a little smile before heading back over to the girls' tent.

It wasn’t long before the sun started to set, and not long after, one by one, they started dropping off to their tents, feeling the temperature drop. Wikitoria walked in, noticing Maia slipping out of her top, leaving only her singlet. “Watch out; it could get cold tonight.” Maia turned around, seeing her bending down next to her for her bag.
“I thought you were camping out with your girlfriend over there.” She indicated where she’d last seen her with Millie.
“Ha.” Wikitoria looked back at her. “I wouldn’t be that quick to jump into someone else’s bed, Mai,” she pulled off her jersey, reaching down for her bed shorts.
“How would I know.” Maia shrugged, sitting down and pulling her socks off.
“You may be able to, but I can’t...”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She looked up, noticing Millie standing behind them. Wikitoria quickly looked at Maia, her eyes widening, realizing what the girl was doing. Maia stood up, watching Millie make up her bed next to Wikitorias. Her brow knitted. Knowing it would be lights out any moment, she grabbed Wikitoria’s singlet, swung her around, pushing her down onto her bed.
“What are you doing?” Wikitoria whispered, slightly confused. She felt Maia tugging open her sleeping bag.
“You get hot, right, so you should sleep on the end, away from the heat.”
“Away from Millie, you mean.”
Maia heard her slight chuckle. She reached out, whacking whatever part of her she found.
“Jealous?”
“No, I’m not.” She slid herself into Wikitoria’s sleeping bag. “I just want to sleep.”
“Sure.” Wikitoria felt around for Maia’s sleeping bag, finding the zip and pulling it down. Maia heard it go all the way. She leaned up, trying to figure out what she was doing. She reached out, feeling Wikitoria’s naked leg next to her.
“Are you not even in there?”
“No,” Wikitoria stretched out. “It’s too warm.”
“Hmm.”
Feeling her hand still there, Wikitoria rolled over to face her. Maia sighed, conscious of how close she was. She also knew Millie was just the other side of her. She felt Wikitoria slide her hand over the top of her sleeping bag. “You could unzip this and curl up with me. I’ll keep you warm.”
Maia felt her fingers intertwine with hers down between them. She turned her head, feeling her right there. She wet her lips, moving her head closer. “We are in a tent with five other women.”
“We can be quiet.”
“Wiki!” She rolled over closer to her. Wikitoria laughed silently to herself. Feeling Maia just there, she reached up, touching her face. Maia wet her lips again. She could feel her breath on her, her thumb brushed over her lips.
“Go to sleep.”
“Okay.” Wiki moved into her getting comfortable. “Night, babe.”
Maia sighed, feeling her wrapped around her sleeping bag. “Night.”

During the night, the temperature changed, and Maia woke up sweating. Trying to kick out her feet, she found the sleeping bag's zip and pushed it down. Stretching her foot out, she found Wikitorias beside her. Sitting up a moment, she listened to the quiet and slight snoring of the girls in the tent with them. She looked down at Wikitoria beside her, knowing she was stretched out on her back. She felt around for her open sleeping bag, pulling the end over herself and moving closer to her. Wikitoria wined a moment until she woke to realise what was going on.
“That better be you, Mai.” She felt the body wrapping around her. Her breath was on her shoulder. Feeling her warmth against her, Maia leaned up, grazing her lips against her ear.
“I couldn’t resist.”
“Hmm.” Wikitoria smiled to herself, wrapping her arms around her, feeling her leg and hip draping over hers. Their bodies quickly become conscious of each other.
Hearing Wikitoria’s quiet snore again, Maia bit her lip, unable to deny her body was beginning to feel alive with being so close to her again. She flexed her fingers that were sitting on her chest, taking the courage to move her hand down. Wikitoria pursed her lips. She was in a light sleep, conscious that Maia was wrapped in her arms. She felt the fingers trailing down her stomach. Feeling them below her tummy button, she turned her head, meeting the mouth not far from her ear. A silent gasp escaped her throat as those fingers slid over the nerves under her shorts. She bit her lip, tilting her hips up to meet them again.
Maia felt her response. Wikitoria quickly reached down, putting her hand on hers. She bit her lip. Maia could hear her breathing heavy.
“You want me to stop?” She whispered into her lips.
“No,” Wikitoria whispered, a slight smile coming to her lips as she grabbed Maia’s hand, slipping it into her shorts and sliding her fingers over her clit into her wetness. She licked her mouth. “I want this.”

The pink-orange sky was just starting to glow over the mountains ahead of them as Wikitoria returned, handing her hot water. Sitting down, she pulled the sleeping bag back over her shoulders.
“Are you warm?” Wikitoria asked, circling her legs with her arm rubbing the back of her thighs.
“mmhmm,” Maia took a sip, holding it in both hands. They had been awake for about an hour, deciding to see if they could catch the sunrise. Everyone else was still asleep. They looked at each other a moment before a smile and laugh crossed their faces.
“Who would have thought.” Wikitoria teased, taking a sip of her water.
“Took you long enough.”
“Hey!” Maia nudged her. “Took you long enough.”
“Yeah.” Wikitoria agreed, looking out ahead of them at the waking sky. “I’ve been hiding from myself...” She sighed. “In like forever.”
Maia turned into her. “Why don’t you just come out? It’s not going to change anything.”
Wikitoria looked away a moment. “My cousin Aroha, we were close; we grew up together.” Her eyes met Maia’s. “I kinda always knew she was...you know.” She shrugged. “Anyway, she met this girl when we were about 15. She was so in love.” She laughed. “I’ve never seen her happier.” She wet her lip a moment. “Well, this girl’s parents didn’t like the fact that Aroha was Maori, and to top it off, when Aroha brought her home to meet my aunty, well, I’d never seen my cousin get such a hiding before.”
Maia tilted her head. “Because she was white?”
Wikitoria exhaled. “Hmm, white and a girl.”
“Ooh.” Maia sat back. She felt Wikitoria exhale.
“My Aunty raised me just as much as Mum did. New times but still a little old school.” She bowed her head. “I’m just not ready for their disappointment.”
Maia sighed. She knew Wikitoria wasn’t out ‘loud and proud’ of herself yet, but she didn’t realise the trauma she was carrying. She felt her hand on her leg. Linking their fingers, she had to ask. “Your cousin, are they still together, or is she still...”
Wikitoria sipped her cooling water. “Nah, they broke up not long after. Sad cause, like I said, she was happy. She left to go to Uni in Wellington. I haven’t heard from her since.”
“You think she’s still ‘living her best life?’” They laughed.
Wikitoria smiled, wiping her eye. “Living like a slut I bet.” She relaxed, feeling a weight on her shoulders. She looked out the glowing bulb, watching the sky’s colours become brighter. Feeling Maia’s hand in hers and their time and place, she smiled to herself. This couldn’t be more perfect.

-You make me so happy, Maia; I could honestly fall in love with you. – She saw the words in her head.
She chewed her bottom lip, those words so close to coming out. Maia turned to look at her at that moment. She could see the look in her eye. A smile touched the corner of her mouth as she leaned in. “I so want to kiss you right now.”
Wikitoria exhaled, wetting her lips. She leaned in. “Me too.” But she closed her eyes as she heard a tent zip. “Damn.” She moved back, sighing. “Well, they’re awake.” She sipped her water. Maia whispered, seeing Adam stepping out.
“Oh well, at least we had some time alone.”
Wikitoria smiled. “Yeah, we did.”
“Morning.”
“Morning.” They said in unison as Adam walked past.
“You two ready for a run?” They looked at each other before getting up.
“Yes, sir.”

~~~

Wikitoria grabbed ahold of the branch, stopping to catch her breath. She thought climbing up was tough; this tramping and abseiling down was worse.
“I can’t.” She breathed, seeing the cliff they had to abseil down. “I’ll go back down the other way.”
“That’s like an extra hour that way. You might as well stay another night.” Tia shrugged as she walked past. She’d heard this plenty of times.
Jake stopped beside her, leaning over the edge and seeing how far it was. “Woo.” He looked back at her. Her eyes widened.
“Oh great! Well, I better get going then; gotta camp out tonight!”
“Oh, come on!” Millie stopped before her, giving her a comforting brush down the arm. Wikitoria watched her hand touch hers. Her eyes met Maia’s as she walked past, taking a look over the edge.
“Woo.” She turned slightly, seeing the realization on Wikitoria’s face. “You can do it.” She nodded, looking down, seeing the guys down the bottom securing the lines. “You had no problem climbing up. This is just in reverse.” She gave her a shrug, dropping her bag next in line. She gave Millie a little nod. “Millz will hold your hand.” She smirked.
“Bitch.” Wikitoria mouthed, shaking her head. Sighing, she decided to sit down. She might as well watch. At least she could pick up some pointers or something.
Adam threw Maia’s bag down. “You all good to go?”
“Yip.” She slipped on the harness. As Adam tightened it up and did his safety check, Maia turned to Wikitoria, watching from the safety of the tree. “Hey,” Wikitoria looked up at her. “I’ll see you at the bottom.”
Wikitoria watched her plant her feet, tightening up the rope. She leaned back over the edge. “Mai,” It slipped out, Wikitoria’s pulse racing a second as she felt her leaning back, the fear of falling hitting her gut. Maia grounded herself, taking a deep breath before she let her eyes flick over to the physically stronger girl watching her. She adjusted her hand. Wikitoria’s eyes met hers, seeing her lock in her wrist comfortably holding her weight. She nodded. “You got this.”
Nodding, Maia started moving down over the side. Wikitoria moved closer to the edge, watching her girlfriend walking down the side. She sat back. Girlfriend?

Taking a sip of her water, Maia returned to the cliff’s foot, watching Wikitoria harnessing up. Millie was making it obvious she was holding Wikitoria’s shirt, helping her feel safe. Naydeen stepped up beside her. She tutted.
“Now, what is that girl doing?”
Maia’s eye flicked over her before watching them again. “I guess giving her support. I don’t know, but she’s annoying.” Her brow knitted. Naydeen noticed, laughing to herself. “Yeah, I knew it.”
Maia flicked her a look. “What?” They watched Wikitoria start leaning herself out with instructions from Adam.
“You like her.”
Maia’s features dropped. Knitting her brow, she looked up at the abseiling again. “Wiki and I have become friends; of course, I like her.”
“Haa,” Naydeen rocked on her feet a second. She indicated to Millie up there, trying to guide Wiki on her way down. “Yeah, Nah, I like her too, but so does Millie, as we can tell.” They watched Wikitoria getting more confident, making a little jump down. Naydeen leaned into her. “I’m pretty sure she likes you too.”
Maia sighed, dropping her gaze to Wikitoria’s teammate beside her. She moved back. “Look, I don’t know what you’re digging for, but Wikitoria is straight. I know she is, so can you back off.”

Reaching the ground, Wikitoria breathed a sigh of relief. She turned to meet Maia’s eyes, except she was gone. Getting handed water, she looked around as Marco took off her harness. “Hey!” She called out to Tia, adding her pack to the waiting boat. She wiped her mouth. “Where are the others?” She came up to the bank, grabbing the last few things.
“The boat was full, so they’ve left for the drop-offs.”
“Drop-offs?” She looked up at Millie, the last to come down from the top. “We’re getting dropped off?”
“Ah ha.” Tia smiled at her. Wikitoria didn’t like the look that came her way. “Come on, grab a seat.” Tia waved her over. “Check your supplies cause you’re in for a long few days.”

The boat rocked over to the bank. Ruby reached out and grabbed the pole marker, pulling the boat into shore. “Ok.” She turned around, seeing the last few terrified faces.
“Maia Williams.”
Maia pursed her lips, taking a jagged breath in.
“Home sweet home darling, come on, grab your stuff.”
“Oh god.” She said to herself, getting up and balancing her way up to the head of the boat.
“Now remember.” Ruby started helping her with her bag. “You are safe; you may come across some kiwis, rodents, and birds, but nothing dangerous.” She held the boat as Maia stepped off onto shore. “There will be a clearing just up a bit where you might find it has been used before.” She caught Maia’s deep exhale. “Hey, hun, you will be fine. This is why you are here, to find yourself.” Maia heard the boat creak as Ruby pushed themselves back into the water. “Two nights. See you in a few days.”
Watching them go, Maia bent down, picking up her bag, water, and bucket. “Great.” She turned around, looking at the dense bush, trying to calm her panic. She looked back at the water. She was all alone.

Wikitoria stood there watching the boat disappear up the shoreline. Exhaling, she turned around, seeing the little path etched into the dirt. She reached down for her bag, water, and bucket. “Ok, Wiki.” She sighed. Let’s get a fire going before it gets dark.


They’d been back at camp about twenty minutes. When Maia had heard the bell ring through the bush mid-morning, she’d been lying in her handmade shelter deep in thought, writing about her plans for the next few years. Spending this time alone had really opened her eyes to what she wanted to do with herself. Hearing her name being called, Maia quickly chucked her notebook and things in her backpack, stamped out her embers, and said goodbye to her old self.
“Oh my god!” Naydeen flopped down next to her on the rock. They’d been picked up in the same boat. “I can’t believe we just survived that! That was insane!”
“Mmm.” Maia nodded, her eye falling to the track, waiting for the others to arrive. She acknowledged the girl beside her who had just experienced what she had. “Did you write in your notebook?” “Heaps! Drew some pictures, too. You?” Naydeen asked. “You make any great revelations?” Just at that moment, they spotted movement on the track. The others were back. Behind Jake and Millie, Wikitoria dragged herself up into the clearing. She looked like shit.
“Oh my god, Wiki looks like she got lost or something.” Maia noticed how skinny she looked, her toned arms looking soft, her whole presence deflated. “Wow, she had a rough couple of nights.”
Maia watched her throw her bag down, irritated. Naydeen noticed the concerned look. She smiled to herself, getting up. “She’ll be glad to have you to sleep next to tonight.” Maia’s brow knitted as she watched her leave her sitting there alone again. She turned to catch Wikitoria’s eyes finding her. She saw her instant sigh of relief.
“Hi.” She gave her a little wave.
Wikitoria smiled, giving her a little nod, her hand rising to wave but only reaching her stomach as she wandered off toward the kitchen.

The camp got quiet pretty quickly as they dropped off one by one, finding the comfort of their own beds.
Coming back from a warm shower, Maia noticed Wikitoria sitting alone at the fire pit with her eyes closed. She thought about leaving her there, but…
The scent of peaches hit her nose. Wikitoria came back from her peace, opening her eyes to the white towel-wrapped blonde sitting beside her. She blinked a few times not sure if she was real. She exhaled, coming back to the present. “How long have you been there?”
Maia squeezed out her still-damp hair. “A minute.” She watched Wikitoria stretch her back, relaxing again. Her friend didn’t seem herself. She sat forward. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Wikitoria was quiet for a moment before her eyes fell on her.
“My flint fell out of my pocket when I jumped off the boat. I didn’t know until it was too late.” It took Maia a moment before she realized what she meant. Her eyes widened. “You had no fire the whole time?!”
“Nope.” Wikitoria untucked her arms, reaching out to the warmth before her.
“Aww, Wiki!” Maia moved closer, throwing her arms around her and rubbing her arms. “Are you ok?” She hugged her. Wikitoria welcomed it.
“Yeah.” She admitted. “Let’s just say I’m no longer afraid of the dark.” She laughed a little, a tear threatening to escape as her emotions surfaced. Maia could feel her. She didn’t quite know what to say but continued rubbing her arms. “We’re back now, warm water, warm beds.” She reached up, touching her chin, turning her to look at her. “We’re safe now. Come on.” She stood up, reaching out for her hand. “You need some sleep.”

Maia stirred. She felt a draft replace the warmth she had been curled up against. Her bunk creaked, and on opening her eyes, she caught Wikitoria climbing back onto the bunk across from her. “You okay?”
Wikitoria pulled her blankets up, curling herself into their warmth. “We have to get up soon.” She sighed, looking at her. “Yeah, I am.”
“Okay.” Maia reached her hand out. Wikitoria moved over, reaching out and taking her hand in her own.
“Thanks for caring.”
“Mmm.” Maia dropped her hand, feeling sleep taking hold. Wikitoria tucked her arms back up under her blanket. She hadn’t been able to sleep even though her body was tired enough. Looking down at Maia, fast asleep in her bunk, she had quietly jumped down and slipped in beside her. Within moments, she was asleep. Not thinking she could get back to sleep now, she lay there watching the darkness becoming lighter. Those couple of nights in the bush had been really tough. Her eyes had been open; she could hear every sound of the rodents around her searching out her snacks. She’d ended up using that to her advantage. She put her bag a few feet away from her spot, thinking at least they weren’t sniffing at her feet. This meant she had starved herself. The first day, all her stomach did was growl and protest its hunger. By day two, she wasn’t hungry anymore. Besides, she had no flint to light a fire. She had found it floating in the branches of the bush roots. Cold and alone, her internal fight was a battle of its own.
The lights flicked on, and the moans started. She sat herself up without thought and started putting her shoes on.
Maia sat up, swinging her legs over the side. The yawn stretched across her face. Opening her eyes, she watched Wikitoria quietly tying her shoes. “Morning.”
Wikitoria looked up. Giving her a little smile, she reached for her hat and got up. Maia watched her go. She slipped her feet into her shoes, unable to get her friend out of her thoughts. She just didn’t seem right. Hearing the siren, she quickly grabbed her hat and ran outside.
After a few laps of the beach, Maia found herself in charge of breakfast for the morning. Wikitoria picked up the tongs, selecting a couple of bacon pieces; Maia stepped over, slapping a big spoon of cream mushrooms on her plate. Dropping a toast on her plate, Maia grinned, seeing the questioning look on her face. “Mai, I’m really not that hungry.” Maia reached over, sliding an egg and a squirt of tomato sauce on there. “When was the last time I made you breakfast? Just eat it.” Maia stopped momentarily, watching her turn and sit at one of the tables. Wikitoria really did seem out of sorts since her solos. “Maia, the eggs!” “Yip!” She turned back to her tasks.

Wikitoria quietly flicked through the pages in her notebook. She’d drawn some pictures in there over the last few days, but nothing special. She felt Ruby’s eyes fall on her. This was pointless; she had nothing to say.
“Maia, would you like to share with us today?”
Maia looked up, seeing everyone looking at her. “Umm, ok.” She pulled herself to her feet. Taking a calming breath, she flicked through her notebook. “Umm, well, the last few days and nights have been…I’ve done a lot of thinking and, I guess, soul-searching. Not much more you can do isolated in the bush.” They all laughed. She wet her lips. “I came here because I wasn’t sure of my path. I wanted to be a psychologist. I was diverting off, but after spending so much time, I guess in my head, it still fascinates me.” She relaxed. “So, I’ve decided to head down to Otago after this to get my master’s.”
“Well…” They all clapped as she sat back down. Ruby praised her. “I’m glad this has opened up this path for you, and I wish you all the best.”

Wikitoria found her washing out her clothes. She dropped her stuff in the outdoor sink. “Well, you made that decision quickly.”
Maia turned around from hanging up her shirt. “That’s why I came here.”
“Bullshit, you came here for me,” Wikitoria said, turning the tap on fill boar and wetting them both.
“Wiki!” Maia jumped, reaching over and turning her tap off. “What has got into you? You haven’t been the same since you came back from…”
“What, my nights of hell!” She slammed her fists in the water. It went flying everywhere. Maia stepped back. She’d never seen her like this before.
“You can’t go to Otago! It’s too far away.” Wikitoria continued.
“Why not?”
“Because I need you!” She snapped. “You said so yourself!”
“No, you need…”
“You, I need you, Maia, that’s all!”
“No, you need to face whatever this is!” Maia snapped. “Why did YOU come here in the first place!” She stepped closer. “It was to forget about me; remember, you told me loud and clear! You were moving out!”
“I can’t!”
“Well, you are going to have to!” Maia growled, seeing the tension in her eyes. She threw her towel over the line, picking up her stuff. “Seriously, you have issues, Wiki.”
“I do not!”
“You are holding on to shit. You need to deal with Wiki until you can face whatever it is and who you really are…” She indicated, knowing Wikitoria knew precisely what she was talking about. “there is no us.”
“Maia, get back here!” Wikitoria yelled as she walked off from her. Kicking the basin, water splashed over her shoes. “God damn it!” Stopping, she looked at her shaking hands; her heart was racing. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. “Jesus Christ, Wiki.” She said to herself. She was losing it. Something was really wrong.

Tia looked up, seeing the young woman approaching her. “Kiaora Wikitoria. Kei te pehea koe?” Wikitoria sat down beside her.
“Ngaro.” She sighed. “Totally lost.”
“Hmm.” Tia stopped what she was doing. “May I?” She noticed Wikitoria’s notebook in her back pocket. Wikitoria reached back, handing it over.
“There is not much in there.” She watched the quiet woman with the moko kauae study her drawings. “I haven’t...”
“You haven’t got to the core of why you are here yet, child.” Wikitoria sat back a moment. She hadn’t been called a child in years. “Tell me, my girl, you seem to seek approval to be yourself.” She closed her notebook, handing it back. Wikitoria wet her lips a little, confronted by her directness. Tia put her hand on her arm. “I see you. Others see you, yet you do not see yourself.” She gave her a little smile. “Your fight is only with yourself. Overcome that, and you will set yourself free.”
Watching her get up, Wikitoria sat there, taken aback by how real this woman who didn’t know her was just then. “Hmm.” She opened her notebook, analyzing her pictures. Everything became clear after seeing the heart she drew the day up the mountain. She did need Maia but needed to find her own courage first.