Ikaw akong Pahiyom

Sixteen

"Sure ka dili ka magpauban?" Ana si Sean pagkababa nako sa iyang sakyanan.

Naa mi atbang sa sementeryo. I heard from Andrei last night na magpamisa ang akong uncle sa death anniversary ni lolo og lola. Ang ingon ni Andrei 10 am ang misa. It was already 2pm. Sigurado wala na sila diri karon. Gichat nako si Andrei ganiha pero wala pa siya nagreply. Basi naa siyay practice.

"Ayaw na. Ma-late pa ka sa imong appointment. Magchat lang ko unya kung pauli nako sa inyo." Tubag nako og gisara na ang cardoor.

"Sige. Ayaw pagabie nak. Diretso og uli ha." Seryoso niyang sulti.

Nagkatawa ko. "Yes tay!"

Bitbit ang bulak naglakaw nako pasulod sa sementeryo. Layo palang kita na nako ang museleo sa akong grandparents. I was relieved kay wala nay mga tao didto. Naay mga tao sa palibot og siguro nagbisita sad sa ilang mga loved-ones.

I opened the gate pagkaduol. The key to the glass door was still hidden under the potted flower. Pagkasulod nako gibutang nako ang flowers sa altar og nagsindi og duha ka kandila.

I breathed out as I watched my grandparents' name on the grave.
"Hi lo. Hi la." I tried to give them a genuine smile. It was only my second time coming there. And it felt so heavy standing on their grave. Gahuot akong dughan. Paminaw nako gahapon lang gihapon nahitabo ang tanan. The guilt was still there. Maski pa kabalo ko it wasn't entirely my fault, akong kaugalingon lang gihapon akong ginablame. I could not forgive myself.

Kabalo ko I was being hard. Pero para lang wala koy matanom na kasuko sa uban sa akong sarili nalang nako ginabaling ang sisi.

Niginhawa ko og lalom og nibuga og hangin. Gipaak nako akong baba kay namuo najud ang akong mga luha. Hantod sa wala na nako napugngan. Nibuto na akong dughan.

"I'm sorry lolo. I'm sorry l-lola." My voice shook as I supressed my soft cries. "Kung dili tungod sa amo ni mama unta wala to nahitabo. Unta buhi pa mo. Unta kauban pa ta lo, la."

My soft cries echoed in the silence of the mausoleum. This is one of the times na makaingon ko unta wala nalang ko nabuhi. Why do I have to feel this? It was unfair.

Gikan pa pagkabata wala nakoy lugar sa maski asa og maskig kinsa. Growing up I would always pity myself for wanting to be reciprocated. But I would get hurt everytime. I bit my lip. I was feeling it all over again. I shut my eyes and recovered any amount of light because darkness was starting to consume me.

My cries halted when I saw a snot rag handed out to me. My head shifted to its owner. Gibson was standing there beside me not looking at me. I was startled he was there. How was he here?

I quickly grabbed his hanky, hid my face and turned to the other side. "What are you doing here? Did you follow me?"

"I don't wanna burst your bubble but no." He said. I turned to him. "My mom is also here." He added. A small smile escaped his lips.

Nakatindog ko og tarong. "Here?"

Gitudlo niya ang isa ka museleo not far. Then he faced me.
"Uhm.. Sorry for.. intruding. I was just about to say hi to you but when I got near you started crying. Ulaw pud sa imong lolo og lola kung di man lang tika offeran og panyo."

I bit my lip. For a moment there I thought he was going to be his annoying self. Somehow, I appreciated the thought.

"Thank you.." nasulti nalang nako. I don't want to fight him now anyway.

Namulsa siya sa iyang faded jeans. "If they're here, they wouldn't want to see you cry. For what its worth, I think you're already forgiven."

Nilingo ko. My simper was bitter. "I was the reason they died..." I wrinkled my nose tong hapit napud magbuo akong luha. I can't believe I am letting him see me in this vulnerable state. I breathed out and thought of diverting the topic.