A psychos guide to conquering hell

Prologue

As I'm slammed into the wall my bag falls off my back and proceeds to spill its contents all over the floor with the kids standing around me and the bullies begin laughing "Pick it up twerp, stupid human" the head demon spits out as I bend over grabbing my bag as I pull a knife stealthily as I bring it up and out the bastard's bottom jaw. "Yall want to keep talking shit or can I simply visit the principal" I calmly say picking my stuff up and trying to push by them as one of them charges at me when I toss a bottle of holy water into their face. "Next time it'll be going down your throat" I exclaim closing the bottle while placing it in my pocket, the demon screams out in agony as all I hear is "Why me!!!!!" Coming from him as I finally hit the elevator. As soon as the doors open an imp hops out in hotel attire. "hetto there" he says a slight smile on his face, gently grabbing my bag from me and my duffel bag. "Heading up top, Jeeves," I say as he slowly drags my stuff in "But my name is-" I glare at him as I hit the nine-button. "I guess Jeeves is okay...." he exclaims as I slip into thought. My name is Jaeger, child of a descendant of Jack the Ripper and Judas. Funny enough my mom studied magic and paranormal as my dad well we'll just say takes some very messy tomato soup factory visits. They died when I was 12 leaving me with very little money or assets so I've had to do some very sketchy shit, like live and work with the devil. "We're here, Jaeger sir" Jeeves exclaims happily as he forces the malfunctioning door open as I help him a little. "Aight Jeeves, which way is good Ole devil boy?" I exclaim as he drops my bags and stares at me trembling "YOU GOING TO SEE HIM!" He loudly proclaims while I grab my bags "Yup, now which hall do I go down again" As soon as I say that he starts tugging on my bag "Save yourself kid trust me you don't want to see him, I hear those who go to him willingly get erased from the soul library" while he keeps rambling I begin walking down a hallway, it's dimly lit yet school like aura gives it a very Gothic vibe for monsters. As I turn a corner I run into someone's back, their letterman print being left on my forehead with a burning yet fairly itchy sensation. That's when the now four people turn around and laugh "It's a human, what you get lost trying to find your way to the bathroom!" They laugh more as I stand and dust myself off. "No I was trying to find my way to your mom but I guess you wouldn't have one with your ugly mug" my snarkiness being matched with a snarl as the taller one snapped and pushed past me, slamming their shoulders into mine as he turns to me "watch your step, boy" his words sliding off me like slime. As I continue down the hall I meet the most unusual sight of some Hella bright RGB LED lights and some classical music. The two main doors look like a glowing mass of light as I push what I only could presume is the devil's office, them taking a long minute to even crack. As they part I see a man with human skin and some very messy golden hair, it's shine is lost with time him wearing some yoga pants and a tux with a hoodie on the back as he's dancing to Lady Gaga mayiahe. He finally turns around, almost spilling what I could presume is alcohol all over his outfit when he screeches the girliest screech yet "H-how long have yall been standing there" he questions as I pipe up "About ten minutes" As soon as I say that his face flushes with red as he hurriedly runs and shuts the door behind us. "Fooh, thankfully it's only yall. Now come Jaeger buddy Ole pal sit what do you need" he exclaims as he sits on his desk and raises a chair from the ground that I sit in. "First off,was the classic music really just to hide your actual music and really lady gaga???" Right when I finish his face Burts into flames as the embarrassment clearly hit him "Hey I don't make fun of your music mister,humph" he crosses his arms as I wave jeeves out and have him drop my bags next to me. "And secondly, where's my goddamn five dollars you borrowed you bastard"