The Fuck List

8

1 Y E A R B E F O R E
B L A K E

I leaned back against the cool trunk of the old oak tree, the sun was beginning to set, casting shadows onto the ground. Laura sat beside me, her laughter still echoing in the warm air. It's been a little over a year since we started fooling around with one another, and I was surprised that nobody caught onto it yet. It was my sixteenth birthday and we had just spent hours goofing around at the park. We were passing a blunt back and forth, the smoke curling around us in the air.

"Happy birthday, Blake!" Laura said, her eyes sparkling as she took another hit, her cheeks flushed. She looked stunning in the golden light, her hair framing her face like a halo, and for a moment, I forgot everything else—the rules we had, the silence of unspoken feelings hanging between us.
But now something was different, I could feel the weight of what I had to say pressing against my chest.

"Laura," I began, taking a hit from the blunt she had passed me seconds prior. I let the smoke fill my lungs and exhaled. She turned to me with that playful look, but when her smile faded, I knew at that moment she could tell what I had to say was serious. "We need to talk."

"What's up?" She asked, concern filling her voice. I could tell she wasn't expecting this, and neither was I, but I couldn't hold off anymore. I felt wrong keeping her from this.

I swallowed thickly, my stomach churning from nerves. "I've been thinking about us. We said we were just friends with benefits, but I can't help how I feel. We've been hooking up for over a year. I mean, we started this when I was fifteen. I care a lot about you, Laura. I know I'd be able to give you the world, treat you like the queen you deserve to be."

She stiffened her face soldering, something I had never seen from her before. "Blake," she started, her voice dropping, almost as if she was pitying me.

"I thought we had something special," I pressed. "It felt different for me. It wasn't just about... you know." I gestured between us.

Laura looked away, focusing her gaze on the ground. "I never wanted you to get attached," she said quietly, her words cutting through me like a knife. "This was supposed to be casual, just fun. You know that, right?"

A knot formed in my stomach. "So that's it?" I asked in disbelief. "You're just going to pretend like this means nothing to you?"

"It doesn't mean nothing!" She snapped, finally looking back at me. "But Blake, I can't give you what you want. I didn't want this to turn into some big thing. I thought we were on the same page. Besides, you're too focused on that stupid list."

I could feel my face grow hot with anger. "You mean the list you created after Taylor broke up with me? The list where you wanted me to fuck my around the school? I have more bodies than anyone I know!"

"Blake, that was supposed to be a joke! I didn't think you'd actually do it. God, you're so stupid, sometimes. You're making it a big deal!" she shot back, her eyes flashing with frustration. "I just wanted you to feel better after Taylor. It was fun—something to take your mind off it!"

"How could you think I'd be okay with just this?" I waved my hand between us again, frustration boiling over. "You knew I was starting to have feelings. You could've at least said something!"

"I didn't want to hurt you," she replied, trembling slightly. But I could see the wall she had built around herself.

"By not telling me? That's how you thought you wouldn't hurt me?" I scoffed, feeling more angry than sad. "You just led me on, Laura. I thought you were different."

"I wasn't leading you on! I was clear about what this was supposed to be!"

"Not!" I shot back, my voice rising. "You think I'm just supposed to switch off my feelings because it's convenient for you? This is all so fucked up!"