I Knew You Were Trouble

He was the typical 'bad guy'. Every group of friends has one. You know, that guy at the back of the group in a leather jacket and jeans. He usually has long messy hair and maybe he smokes. Sometimes he's the guy who just wants to be left alone but quite often he's a dirty player. In this case, the guy I mean, was the dirtiest player who acted like he wanted to be left alone.

We met through friends. He was part of a group that my best friend knew. We ended up at the same party and every now and then, our eyes would meet and he'd wink or just smirk at me like he knew what would happen, but I'd been warned. I knew he was trouble as soon as he walked him with his biker jacket and slicked back hair, and my friends had told me he was dangerous. So I rolled my eyes at the winks and ignored the smirks until I thought he'd got the message.

Eventually though, I was alone whilst all my friends had gone to see their friends who I didn't know and didn't feel comfortable around. I stayed behind, staring out the window, willing the night to end and he must've noticed I was missing from the group because he came back to look for me.

He seemed pretty nonchalant, acting like he didn't realise I'd be there but I knew it was all a game. We talked for the rest of the night and he explained how he'd been painted as the bad guy for so long, he just kept on playing it. But he kept saying how I was "different". He said I made him feel like a man and that he'd never met anyone like me. He made me believe he was in love when in reality, he was just a really good liar who knew exactly which buttons to press.

Four weeks later and the clean-cut girl I once was, had been replaced by a girl who danced on bars, drank and got into bar fights on his behalf regularly. It was exhilarating to feel the excitement and the buzz of things so different to what I was used to. He watched me evolve from the sidelines, occasionally swooping in to give me more alcohol or to take off the outer layer of clothes. The worst part was losing me, except at the time it felt like I was giving myself away piece by piece.

I guess he didn't care and I liked the way it made me feel. It was like being set free after being chained up for years of my life. I was finally learning what freedom was. But I knew he didn't care, so when I fell hard and he stepped back and just left me to fall alone, it didn't come as a shock. It was like I was a new toy he'd been playing with but I got boring so he put me down and went to find someone else. I realise the blame is on me but in a way, I've worried about him ever since.

I heard he moved on from talk on the street. I know I meant nothing to him but some part of me believes he isn't the bad guy he pretends to be; maybe he's hurting and maybe he's not okay and he uses casual relationships or hurting other people as an escape or a way to feel better. And that's the saddest fear I have- that he never loved me or anyone at all. What if he's never actually loved?

But at the same time, maybe he just enjoys seeing people get hurt. He never once apologised for anything and he never saw me cry; he always left the room telling me to "grow up" or "get over it". I was breaking and falling apart and losing myself completely and he just pretended he didn't know he was the reason why. But I know he knew.

And what happened to me? Well I lost myself completely. I spend my days trying to feel okay again, but I know I never will. I try to stand tall and rise above my feelings but it's difficult. I feel like I've fallen. I'm lying on the cold hard ground of regret and I'm covered in the bruises to prove it. But he's moved on, so at least he's happier. So I guess the joke is on me, since I'm the only one who got hurt.

I knew he was bad news, yet I convinced myself otherwise. Shame on me.