Defokoconut vents/rambles about stupid things that even a baby could bare

I hate my dad

I fucking hate my dad, like, he's always nagging me and things like that, he always calls me names (sweetie, dear, love, etc) that though I'd normally consider just a nickname, they feel too romantic from him, he's always talking about my body features and he has sometimes touched my ass without my permission, I remember that once when I was 6 I was bathing and my mom was helping me, the thing is that I was washing my hair with shampoo so I had my eyes closed, my dad sneaked in the bathroom and started touching my stomach and I only realized when I opened my eyes, AND MY MOM DID NOTHING!
And ugh he's always making sexual jokes about me with his friends and they don't even tell him to stop, they just laugh along, bud, am I some joke to you??? I'M YOUR DAMN DAUGHTER!!!!
He always calls me ugly and when I express that I feel bad about myself he says things like "it can't be that bad" or smth
He's also always pulling my hair and DAMN IT FUCKING HURTS I've cried more than once for him
And at the minimum mistake he hits me, I still have some marks from some days ago because I had a 4.9/7 on a exam... Which was low but still
And then, when I'm on my phone, basically in internet because it's pretty much only where I feel safe, he says I'm obsessed with it! Like I have nowhere else to go, I feel happy there, not with you!
He's who feeds me and gives me a roof, but it still hurts every thing he says about or does to me...
I remember a friend on discord said "Hm, I've physically abused, emotionally neglected/ abused my daughter, and now she's spending all her time on the Internet. It can't possibly be my fault that she's like this!" when I was talking about this and it made me laugh so hard for a moment, it almost made me forget of all sadness
And he also complains when I show more affection to my mother, like, bro, she's who cares about me??? She doesn't hit me at all and is actually a good parent, it is a pity she got married with him in fact, he's always also making sexual comments about her too... And my two little brothers too, ONE IS 8 AND THE OTHER ONE BARELY 4
He acts like a jealous motherfucker, sometimes I just wanna slap him and yell at him "I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND, THE FUCK YOU'RE JEALOUS ABOUT????" and the worst thing is that he's asking my mom for another child, no way I'm letting someone else suffer like my mom, my brothers and I did and still do...
I wish I wasn't even born, I wish my mom never had met him at all, she deserved and still deserves better, she's been getting into alcohol tho... She goes a bit crazy but doesn't hit us or smth, just falls time to time and asks us to help her with the simplest things, although she doesn't get angry if we refuse at least, it was only once that she was very drunk and hit one of my brothers, though she quickly apologized when she realized what she had done and gave him ice cream as compensation. And it wasn't very hard, just a little hit in the arm, it healed after some minutes
It's depressing to see how my dad has affected someone he was supposed to love, and three children that didn't even ask to be born
I hate it
I hate it so much
It almost hurts at this point
And it DOES hurt
Like, I'd 100% rather being homeless or orphan or smth like that than him touching me again or even looking at me
His mere glance disgusts me, the way he looks at me is weird
I think he's a pedophile
But I have no proof, I can't do anything
And who'd believe me? A simple girl that is all day in her room or in her phone?
Look, my house has a little window that can be opened or closed near the bathtub, he always insists me to leave it open to see me bath and sometimes throw at me cold water
But not just some water, a water that we always have in our FREEZER
I remember I cried so much, because I usually bath with very hot water, and suddenly feeling cold water burnt lots.
Mom always tries to defends me, but my dad threatens her, so she ends up backing off
I hate him, I hate the fact he married my mom, I hate the fact he existed, I hate the fact his parents even thought of having a child, I hate whoever made him like this, I hate everyone related to him, my brothers, my mom, his friends, his past girlfriends, his best friends, his workers, even myself
It hurts so much, I hate it all so much, sorry for using the word so much but I can't find any other one...
He treats me as a girlfriend or smth, it makes me uncomfortable and insecure
He's always talking about me, but no, when I say things about him, he's scolding me
Like, I'm currently shaking from merely talking about this
He terrifies me
So much
I always try to be optimistic and be the "Defokoconut" everyone knows but it's so damn tiring, sometimes I just wanna lay down and sleep forever, without a single care in the world, just peace
And the fact I have a intelligence that could be considered "great" doesn't help, at all
The expectations are tiring, I hate social pression, I've already accepted a boy I don't even know his name as my boyfriend only because his friends told me to, I hate being a people-pleaser, but I just cannot help it...
And could I even describe how does he treat me? What he does to me? I don't even want to remember...
I just want to tell someone how I feel, and I want to be taken seriously, I don't like being treated as a joke
I have a single irl friend and my secret gf who I hide from the boy I don't know his name, but online I have like 30 friends, that's why I spend so much time here
Art helps me, but it's not enough
Nothing feels enough
It feels like a constant struggle to try and find when it's enough
Especially when those feelings you want to reprieve yourself of are ongoing
It's always not enough or too overwhelming, I only feel safe on internet
And I don't care if you all think I'm being dramatic, or sympathize with me, or how you feel about this, thanks for even reading my stupidities
I'm happy I got to express myself at least once
am, I just wanna exist without a care, hanging out with my probably fake friends and people I care about Or just be a soul in a dark black void, I'd no longer see my own feet or body, I think it'd be peaceful such silence, and the relaxation of not being a mortal anymore and just live as a memory It's hard to admit, but I always find my ways but nothing suicidal, I wanna live, but I don't at the same time... I'm scared of the death but I'm more scared of the persons alive, I'm lost, it's like being in a dark forest where every time you see the sun come out you know it's just another day you're lost in there
I contradict myself so much times it's frustrating
Sorry for making this so long and bye