Controlled Burn

Chapter 27: Waiting for Him

The cab door clicked shut behind Cade, the sound echoing unnervingly in the stillness of the night. His body trembled as he stood on the doorstep of Lucian's apartment, the cold air biting into his skin, but his mind was too clouded with guilt and anxiety to feel it. The heat simmered low beneath his skin, a constant, dangerous presence that refused to be forgotten. He had burned Lucian. The thought repeated over and over, like a hammer striking a nail deeper into his chest with each beat.

Cade fumbled with the door. Thankful for the last directions Lucian had given him, his hands shaking as he tried to lock the door behind him. His mind kept replaying the image of Lucian standing in the flames, his pale skin blistering under Cade's fire. He had done it. He had burned Lucian.

Finally, the lock clicked, and Cade was secure, safe in the apartment. The chill of the room hit him instantly, a stark contrast to the heat that still hummed in his body. He stepped gently, his feet softly pressing onto the floor, acting as if he might disturb something. 

He felt on edge as if his appearance would disturb someone, but Lucian wasn't here.

The apartment was immaculate, just as Cade had imagined it. The air was cold, the furniture arranged with perfect precision, not a single thing out of place.

It was a reflection of Lucian. At another time, he may have found humor in describing the aloof man and his tastes, but tonight, the order and stillness of the apartment felt suffocating. It was too clean, too empty. The silence pressed down on him, amplifying every thought, every ounce of guilt that churned in his gut.

Cade stood there, frozen in place, his heart pounding in his chest as he tried to wrap his mind around what had just happened. He had hurt Lucian. He had done exactly what he had feared most—lost control.

His legs felt weak beneath him, his body still trembling with the aftershocks of the fire he had unleashed. He forced himself to move, stumbling toward the couch and collapsing onto it. His breath came in shallow, uneven bursts, and he buried his face in his hands, his body curling in on itself as if that might somehow block out the memories.

But the memories wouldn't go away. The fire. The pain. Lucian's calm voice telling him to burn more, to make it real.

Cade's heart twisted painfully in his chest. Why had Lucian done it? Why had he asked for it? Why had he trusted Cade to stop when the flames were already spiraling out of control? Cade hadn't wanted to do it—hadn't wanted to see Lucian hurt. But Lucian's voice, his command, had cut through Cade's panic, and in that moment, Cade had done what Lucian had asked. He had trusted Lucian.

Now, sitting alone in the cold apartment, that trust felt like a heavy burden. Lucian had trusted him to stop. He had believed in Cade's control, even when Cade hadn't believed in it himself. And Cade had stopped—he had pulled the flames back before they could do more damage—but the guilt of what he had done still gnawed at him like a parasite, feeding off his fear and anxiety.

He lifted his head, staring at the empty space around him. Everything was still. Everything was cold. Lucian wasn't here.

The thought hit him like a blow to the chest. Lucian was at the clinic now, getting treatment for the burns Cade had inflicted. Burns Cade had caused. His breath came faster, his body shaking as the images of Lucian's blistering skin, the scent of scorched flesh, flooded his mind. He could still see it—the way the flames had curled around Lucian, licking up his arms, burning him as he stood there, calm, unflinching.

Cade's hands clenched into fists, his nails digging into his palms as he fought to control the heat surging beneath his skin. The flames wanted out—they always did. But Cade was terrified of what might happen if he let them loose again. What if Lucian wasn't there to pull him back? What if the fire raged out of control, and this time, there was no one to stop it?

"I can't lose control," Cade whispered to himself, his voice shaky and raw. "I can't hurt him again." The words were more to convince himself than anything else. He had to stay calm. He had to keep the fire in check. For Lucian.

The memory of Lucian's cold hands, grounding him, calming him in the midst of the flames, flashed through his mind. Lucian had been so steady, so sure. Even as the fire had consumed him, he hadn't wavered. He had believed in Cade.

Cade's breath hitched, his heart pounding with guilt and fear. Lucian had trusted him to stop. He had trusted Cade with his own safety, his own life. And Cade had burned him.

He pressed his palms against his eyes, trying to block out the overwhelming flood of emotions—guilt, fear, anxiety—but it was too much. The weight of what he had done, of what they had both done, felt like it was crushing him. Lucian had taken the burns because it was necessary, but Cade couldn't shake the feeling that he had failed.

The flames inside him flickered, restless and dangerous, but Cade forced them down. He couldn't let them out. Not here. Not now. The last thing he wanted was to destroy Lucian's apartment on top of everything else.

But the thought of Lucian—Lucian in that clinic, enduring the pain Cade had caused—was almost unbearable. Cade could feel the weight of it pressing down on him, threatening to drag him under. What if the burns were worse than Cade had realized? What if Lucian didn't come back? What if Cade had hurt him more than either of them had anticipated?

"Stop," Cade whispered to himself, his voice trembling. He couldn't let his mind go there. He couldn't let the fear consume him. Lucian would come back. He had to believe that.

But the guilt wouldn't go away. It gnawed at him, a constant reminder of the fire he had unleashed. He could still see the burns on Lucian's skin, still hear the sound of the flames as they roared around them. Lucian had taken the pain without flinching, without pulling away, but that didn't make it any easier to bear.

Cade curled up on the couch, his body shaking as he tried to focus on his breathing. In. Out. Slow and steady. He couldn't let the fire out again. He couldn't lose control. Lucian had trusted him. He had to hold on to that.

He closed his eyes, pressing his fists against his chest as he tried to calm the storm raging inside him. The flames flickered, but they didn't surge. Not yet. Cade held onto the fear, used it as an anchor to keep the fire in check. The fear of hurting Lucian again, the fear of losing control completely—it was the only thing keeping him from tipping over the edge.

His heart pounded in his chest, each beat echoing with guilt and anxiety. He felt so raw, so exposed. Without Lucian's cold presence to ground him, Cade felt like he was teetering on the brink of losing himself. But he couldn't let that happen. Lucian needed him to stay calm. Lucian needed him to wait.

But waiting was torture.

Every minute that passed felt like an eternity, the silence of the apartment pressing down on him, amplifying every anxious thought, every doubt. What if Lucian didn't come back? What if Cade's flames had done more damage than either of them had realized? What if Cade had lost Lucian for good?

His chest tightened, panic rising in his throat as the thoughts swirled in his mind. But then, just as the fire inside him threatened to flare, he remembered Lucian's voice—calm, steady, commanding. "I trust you, Cade. I'll tell you when to stop."

Lucian had trusted him to stop. He had believed in Cade's control.

Cade took a shaky breath, his body trembling as he held onto that thought. Lucian had believed in him. He had trusted Cade to pull the fire back, to stop before it became too much. And Cade had done it. He had stopped. He hadn't lost control, not completely. Not like before.

He had to hold onto that.

Slowly, the fire inside him began to settle, smoldering low beneath his skin. The fear of harming Lucian again—of losing him—became the anchor that kept Cade's flames in check. He couldn't let the fire consume him. Not when Lucian had gone through so much to save him.

Cade let out a long, shaky breath, his body still trembling but the flames no longer thrashing against his control. He would wait. He would stay calm. Lucian would come back. He had to believe that.

And when Lucian did come back, Cade would be ready. He would hold on—for Lucian.