Church boy | Haobin

1

The sun filtered through the thin curtains of Zhang Hao's small room, casting soft light across the modest furniture. Today was his 19th birthday, a day he should have celebrated with joy. Instead, the weight of his secret pressed down on him like a stone. He glanced at the framed picture of the Sacred Heart hanging on the wall, feeling the familiar mix of guilt and fear. Being gay in a Catholic family was not just a personal struggle; it was a matter of faith, and with his father as the local priest, the stakes were even higher.

Zhang Hao quickly dressed in a crisp white shirt and dark trousers, rehearsing the smile he'd wear during dinner. He didn't want his family to see the turmoil brewing within him, the conflict between his identity and the expectations that loomed like a specter over every family gathering. Today, like every other day, he would wear a mask.

As he headed down to the kitchen, the smell of fried eggs filled the air. His little sister, Mina, was seated at the table, scrolling through her phone. She looked up and grinned, her bright eyes sparkling. "Happy birthday, Hao!" she chirped. He returned the smile, though it felt strained. "Thanks, Mina."

Their father entered the kitchen, his presence commanding. "Hao, you're late. We need to leave for church soon," he said, his tone brooking no argument. Zhang Hao nodded, suppressing the dread that washed over him. Church was a place of sanctuary for some, but for him, it felt like walking into a lion's den, ready to be torn apart for the truth he could never reveal.

As they made their way to the car, Zhang Hao felt Mina's gaze on him. "You okay? You seem a little... off," she said, concern creasing her brow. He brushed it off with a smile. "I'm fine. Just a little nervous about today, that's all."

In the backseat, he watched the world blur past, streets and trees merging into a kaleidoscope of colors. His thoughts turned to Ricky, his older brother who had left home two years ago. Ricky was always the rebellious one, the black sheep of the family. Now he was returning for dinner, despite his estrangement from their father. Zhang Hao couldn't help but wonder how the evening would unfold.

The church loomed ahead, its steeple piercing the sky. As they stepped inside, the familiar scents of incense and candle wax filled his nostrils. Zhang Hao took a deep breath, trying to steady his racing heart. Each prayer and hymn was a reminder of the faith his father embodied and the life he was expected to live.

During the service, Zhang Hao's mind wandered. He watched the congregation, families seated together, sharing smiles and quiet whispers. Would he ever have that kind of normalcy? Could he ever come out, or would the weight of his secret crush him first? His gaze drifted to the altar, where his father stood, unwavering, a beacon of faith and tradition. The thought of disappointing him was paralyzing.

After the service, the family walked to the car in silence. Mina walked beside him, her expression contemplative. "Hao," she started, her voice barely above a whisper. "I know you're trying to be loyal to Jesus and all, but... what if being true to yourself is also part of that?"

Zhang Hao felt his breath catch. "Mina, it's complicated. I can't just... I can't be who I really am. Not with Dad being the priest."

"But you're not just Dad's son. You're you. And you deserve to be happy," she said, her voice unwavering. He admired her innocence and strength but felt an ache in his chest at the thought of disappointing her.

"Mina... I'm not Ricky. Just... promise me you'll keep this between us for now," he said, trying to lighten the mood. "I don't want to burden you with my problems."

Mina nodded, though her eyes held worry. "Okay, but I still think you should talk to someone. Keeping it all in isn't good for you."

Zhang Hao forced a smile, grateful for her support. "I'll think about it."