Keep the rain [CL16] - KTR I

Chapter 35 - Charles' P.O.V.

I've always felt the most comfortable in my car. When I was in my racing suit, my visor down and the engine humming around me, the world looked differently. My mind worked differently.

It didn't matter anymore who I was or what I've done. The worries of the day disappeared the second I strapped myself into my seat. The only thing that mattered now, was how I performed. The only thing that mattered now, was what was happening on track.

I was in a zone. I focused on the car and nothing else.

But that Sunday, it felt wrong to sit in the car of a team that didn't play fair. A team that mixed off-track with on-track. A team that didn't focus on what I could do in the car, but what I could do for them outside of it.

I hated myself. I truly did.

When Athena smiled at me and my own smile faltered, I could've thrown up right on the podium.

She meant the world to me. I could watch her win every weekend and never step on the top step again, and I swear I would be the happiest man alive. Her happiness brought me happiness.

That week after the race, I've never hated myself so much. Too much of a coward to come clean and too much of a coward to actually change something.

Every kiss she gave me left a bitter taste, the fear that our days were counted. That I might never get to kiss her and hold her and see her smile simply because she saw me again.

I knew how unfair our moments together were. That only one of us could savor each moment as the last time it'll ever happen, while the other one was completely unaware.

Yet, I couldn't find it in me to admit my failure to her. Not before I tried everything in my power to stop the dominos from falling.

Every day a new stone hit the floor, the events passing by while I was unable to stop the chain reaction.

I flinched at every touch of her. I grew paranoid about every word she said. Did she know? Did I already destroy the best thing I've ever had?

I waited for my doomsday. I waited for my jury. And the waiting turned me into a man without hope.
After every unsuccessful call, after every conversation, a bit more of my hope got turned into dust.

At night, with the love of my life in my arms, her head on my chest and her deep breathing grazing my skin, guilt started to eat me alive.

A dark and rotten feeling, starting in my chest and moving down my whole body. Paralyzing fear numbed my skin. My breathing got shallow as my own thoughts taunted me about the crimes I was yet to commit.

I closed my eyes in the darkness of my room and took a deep breath. I focused fully on Athena in my arms. The way her skin felt on my chest, the smell of her hair, her soft breaths.

I shouldn't be doing this. I should be trying to work my way out of this, to resolve the problem before catastrophe hit.

I could do it. I could find a way. I just needed more time. Time I didn't have.

This was all way bigger than I ever anticipated it to be. Yet, I was to selfish to ask for help. I knew the right thing would've been to tell Athena what mess I've made and beg her to help me through it. To beg her to forgive me.

Yet my selfishness wouldn't allow me to destroy the best thing I've ever had in my life.
I could do this on my own. I would find a way to fix this before Athena would ever find out.

I opened my eyes again, barely able to see the soft features of her beautiful face in the moonlight shining through the window.

I couldn't lose her. I just wouldn't.