The Legend of the Penis Tree

Would you like to hear a scary story? A scary one? A story both Gothic and Freudian? Then let me tell you the tale of the Freudenthal Inn. Freude, by the way, means “joy” in German, and Freudenthal is translated as Valley of Joy. But this tale is more of horror than joy. A scrotum-tightening horror, a real Freudian horror, steeped in that sort of fear Freud wrote so much about. Castration anxiety. The main male fear. This tale may be also called the legend of the Penis Tree. The story took place in medieval Thuringia, which is now part of Germany. The Freudenthal Inn stood at the foot of the wooded hill topped by the Gleichen Castle.

One ominous day a cat appeared in the vicinity of the inn. An eerie and wicked cat. 

She started attacking male guests by jumping at their groins to grasp their genitals with her claws and teeth. She would tear off their proudful treasure, both penis and scrotum, and run away with this trophy in her mouth.

The cat belonged to a local witch, who lived in a forest cottage not far from the castle walls, and it was at this witch's command that the evil feline brought her all those penises and testicles. What did she do with those parts of male anatomy?

She boiled them in her cauldron along with magic herbs, poured the resulting broth into a bucket, and then she was allowed into the castle, where she watered a tree in the courtyard with the magic broth.

Soon the tree was beginning to bear fruit abundantly in the form of large cocks garnished with equally large scrotums. A mysterious nun would appear in the castle courtyard to gather this weird harvest into her baskets, then carry it into the castle tower.

One of my distant ancestors, Peter Schlotheim, a graduate of the University of Wittenberg, where Prince Hamlet and Doctor Faustus also studied, once happened to be a guest of the Freudenthal Inn. He was one of the few men who managed to fight off that cat. But he didn't leave it at that. He was determined to reveal the secret of the cat and the inn.

Oh, it was an exciting adventure, full of danger, terrible discoveries and deadly confrontation with the evil witch, and the equally evil and dangerous secret Order of the Penis Tree. The confrontation that cost the Schlotheim family a curse. The ballbusting curse. The hex that afflicts even me.

Very soon I will publish my new book to let you learn more about the tale of the Freudenthal Inn, the legend of the Penis tree, as well as the story of my ancestor and the ballbusting curse of our family.