Why am I still doing this?
The coldness enveloped Subaru as he returned-again. The world around him flickered into place, the same familiar faces, the same scene. But no matter how often he came back, his mind never reset. The pain, the fear, the endless loop of suffering all piled on, suffocating him.
Would it be better if I stayed dead?
It wasn't the first time that thought had crept into his mind. He wished he could push it away, but every time he died, it became harder to ignore. Each return chipped away at him, slowly, until he felt like a hollow version of himself.
What's the point of all this?
His eyes scanned the room, taking in the sight of the royal candidates gathered, their laughter filling the space. A peaceful moment that seemed so distant from the battlefield Subaru was trapped in-inside his own head. They had no idea what he was going through. None of them did.
But would they even care if they knew? Would they understand if he told them what it was like to die over and over again? Or would they simply pity him, the boy cursed to bear the burden of endless suffering?
Is this power really a blessing? Or is it a curse?
He clenched his fists under the table, trying to control the shaking in his hands. The deaths-they weren't just painful. They were erasing him, bit by bit. Every time he came back, a little less of him returned. He didn't even recognize the person he was anymore.
What if I didn't come back next time?
He swallowed hard. The thought wasn't new, but it felt sharper now. What if, instead of coming back, he just... didn't? What if he let death take him, for real, and left everything behind?
Would it really be so bad?
The idea of ceasing to exist was terrifying, sure. But at least there would be peace in the nothingness. No more suffering. No more failure. Just... an end.
Isn't that what I want? An end?
Subaru's gaze fell on Emilia, her smile soft and unaware of the storm brewing inside him. He'd return for her, again and again, because he had to. But every return felt less like a choice and more like a punishment. Was he really doing it for her? Or was he just trapped in this endless cycle because he was too afraid to let go?
I keep telling myself I'm doing this for them. But is that even true? Or am I just clinging to something because I'm scared to face the alternative?
Would Emilia forgive him if she knew the truth? Would any of them?
And what was the point of saving them, if it meant he was slowly losing himself in the process?
If I cease to exist, everything will end. I wouldn't have to carry the burden anymore. But... if I keep coming back, how long before I'm not even Subaru anymore? How long before I'm just a shell, going through the motions?
He couldn't tell which option was worse-disappearing entirely, or continuing this endless nightmare until he was nothing but a broken shadow of himself.
This power... it's not a gift. It's a curse. A cruel joke, giving me endless chances to fix things but destroying me in the process.
His chest tightened, and he forced a smile, trying to keep up appearances. But inside, he was screaming. He was exhausted. He wanted it to end, but he couldn't stop. He had to keep moving, keep returning, even if it meant he would lose himself entirely.
Why me?
He wanted to scream, wanted to throw the table across the room and let everyone see the truth-that he wasn't some hero. He wasn't strong. He was just a scared, broken boy, trapped in a cycle that never seemed to end.
