The soulless child

one

"Mine has been life of such a shame. I cant even guess myself what it must me to live a life of a human being." - Dazai Osamu

This words are stuck in my head since i opended the book. Isnt it ironic? Im only few years onto this world yet i can relate. Whats the point of life? We dont know.. Whats the point of death? To escape from life. Many people say that life is a gift, many people say that its a curse. Yet everyone belive that death is beautifule. A break afther the life, either you had nice life with many amazing moments. Or your life wasnt that good.. everyone belongs somewhere in theese two.

And even throu that, everyone wanna know whats afther death. Why? Its simple. Because we people want what we cant have. Why are so many people curious about death when they have life? And what if we are curious about death because we are tired....? Yes many people said "Life is amazing" or something in that point. But dont tell me you didnt tought of it. Of how the relief of death feels like. We wake up every day just to go and one day make money to be able to live how we want to. Go ahead. Think about your day. Your monday tuesday etc. Isnt it the same? Wake up, work/school and around 16:30 at home tired to do anything. And in blink of an eye its midnight and you are unable to fall asleep. You stay in the dark thinking about something.. or in the better way, not thinking at all.

 Theese sleepless nights are that when we feel like we are part of humanity. I am  unable to remember how many times i just sat in silence in the dark. Crying and making sure that my mom or dad wont notice, scared i will get yelled at for being weak. I am aslo scared of being comforted. I allways felt only others being mad at me, that i will rather get yelled at for crying than being comforted, even tho i crave it. I crave the attencion i never had, i crave the feeling of hug, i crave the feeling like a human. All day pretend being the crazy person and then in the night not even remembering who am i. Am i really the happy child? Am i the child that everyone look at with hate? Or am i just empty skin with bones and meat in it?

"Who cares? Everyone have problems and go with it. I should too." These are the words i say to myself all the time. No matter what happend, i am like this and i cant change it. I just watch others i know seeing me as the crazy funny person. The one that know everyone and everyone know them. I watch others have crushes and being out with friends. Meanwhile me myself? If you wanna make me cry just post something on your story where you have nice time with friends. I will be sitting in bed, moon shining, me seeing photos of my friends having fun witch eachother and questioning "where did i go wrong?"