Dream Again

Day 105

I know it's been a very long time.
That's it. I know River keeps track of days I can't. I learned long ago not to do things that give me hope. It's too painful.
My hair is getting long. I cut it with the knife. Luke refuses me to cut his. My feet are covered in callouses. I'm sunburnt literally all the time. And I'm actually getting good at catching fish with my bare hands.
Luke doesn't like to eat the birds, his father loved birds. So we don't. We catch fish and eat whatever plants we don't think are poisonous. That's based off of me getting bored and eating them then not dying. All of our clothes are worse for the wear though we can mostly wash them in the spring, let them dry in the sun, then put them on. I wear a t-shirt to stop sunburns though I'll take it off if we're going in the water. We were mostly surviving.
But Miranda's had a fever for two days.
Twice River and I have tried to dive for the wreckage both times we've come up wtih nothing. We spied on the Society, Max's colony, and they are alive and well, definitely had more supplies than they previously had last time we looked. I don't know if they look at us. The monster does. We hear it rumbling in the woods. But we don't go into the woods at night so. I guess we're cool with the monster.
I'm constantly. hungry, so much so I'm learning to ignore it. I can count every rib, and when I look in the other's faces they're sunken. We're all painfully thin, worsened by River and I taking smaller portions so Miranda and Luke can eat.
Wreckage occasionally washes up on shore, more from the plane or just ocean trash. The most interesting things we've gotten are a pack of cards, mostly soaked but I dried and separated them painstakingly, and a backpack of mostly clothes but we did find a few pills in blister packets. Ibproufen, and some anti-nausea things. The rest was useless electronics, we used the wires for cord, that's all. The clothes we hoarded for when ours are completely destroyed, a couple of shirts, that's it. No books or anything else entertaining but the cards are more than enough for us to play go fish and other simple games around the fire. We still burn fires day and night in hopes the smoke will alert a rescue party a rescue party we're beginning to believe does not at all exist.
"Ten fish, what do you say we dry none of these and just have a feast?" I ask Luke, as I wade back towards shore. river and I are holding our catch, which includes two crabs. The backpack we found and my sweatshirt act as bags to haul in the fish and crab, we now have three actually pretty good traps set up.
"The fever's back," Luke says, twisting his hands.
"Shit," i sigh.
We gave Miranda the only ibproufen we had to try to bring her fever down. My knowledge of childbearing and birth is fairly limited, but I'd guess inadequate food and unclean water, plus trauma, plus a pregnancy of unknown health, could cause internal infections. She could well be miscarrying and naturally needs medical intervention. I'd like to say under normal circumstances she'd be treatable at home or wouldn't be ill at all, at the very least good rest and actual food so her body can fight it, would be a cure. But we have none of that.
"The pain killers did bring it down," River sighs, as we wade out of the water.
"Yeah while they were in her, all right, the Society on the south beach. Might have found more," I point out.
"They're not going to share them with us we got kicked out for going for a walk," Luke says, glaring.
"For one thing, we catch more flies with honey than vineager. For another, I wasn't proposing simply asking," I say.
"Whatever your plan is I'm in," River says, "We have to try to do something. She's dying."
"I know," I sigh, this isn't even my best plan in the world. But.
"Let's get these fish drying, so we can have something to eat tonight, then we'll go over, we've done nothing to them they'll at least talk to me," I say.
"I'm going with you," River says, folding her arms.
"Yes you are. But I'm going to Max alone. He may. Not like me. But he wants desperately to be cleverer than me, he wants to be cleverer than anyone," I say.
Miranda is inside our makeshift hut, clearly sweating with fever. Her hair is pasted to her skin and she miserably lays a hand on her belly. With this high a fever I doubt the baby is anything like all right. But we don't have a way of Treating her whatsoever, even delivering it early (we think) wouldn't help now we can't induce labor and a c-section on this bloody beach with a fish knife would definitely kill her.
"We're giong to go forage all right? We'll be back," River says, taking Miranda's hand.
"Okay," Miranda whispers, she's barely able to open her eyes. She's shivering she's so feverish.
"We'll be back soon," river says, carefully tucking one of the spare sweatshirts over her. We have two we used one as her pillow.
"Will it make her better?" Luke asks, quietly.
"I don't know. But we have to try anyway," I say, picking up the pack of cards from where I keep it safe beneath a few rocks at the entrance to the hut. I also gather our dried fish, a small precious store but a couple of days worth of food for at least one person. We've been keeping for days when we have a bad catch or if there's a bad storm (there hasn't yet been).
We wait until we're out of earshot to talk, making the hike back up the embankment to the spring. Then we can follow the little stream down towards the south beach. We've only explored the island so much, the creature does live out there so we try to stay out of the way and just get water and forage for the odd edible plant.
"Okay, what is your plan? Because Max is never going to just give us precious medicine if we ask nicely, even to trade," River says.
"No he is not. But he will accept a challenge," I hold up the deck of cards, "I'll offer to play him for it."
"What?" Luke asks, frowning.
"I'll bet our fish, ask him to bet the drugs. He's not going to refuse," I say.
"Do you think you can actually beat him?" river asks, concerned.
I supress a smile, "yes I think I'll okay."
We go over the plan in detail on the walk over. My ability to beat them at poker aside, nothing is a sure bet, and while I'm not accustomed to back up, I'm glad to work with it.
The society is up and moving, looks like they're fishing too. There's definitely less of them than there previously were but I feel like I shoudln't bring that up. They all look thin, and much worse for the wear. Max surprisingly looks great, he's a bit grimed up but it didn't actually make him look less like an escaped Calvain Kline model. He has his bow at ready but lowers it when he sees me descending towards the camp, hands up.
"I come in peace," I say, when we're in earshot. Oh good Ivan's involved now. He materliazes to shadow Max who comes up to greet me. A couple of the other men come as well.
"What do you want?" Max asks, he hasn't fully put down his bow and his finite number of arrows.
"A trade," I say, holding up the bag of dried fish, "About two pounds worth of fish. For whatever fever reducers you may have scavanaged. One of ours is sick. I realize you can't give something like that up."
"That's a very poor trade you realize?" Max laughs a little, "I can't hand over any medication we may have found. I need them for my own people."
"How about this then? I'll play you for them," I say, holding up the deck of cards, "I bet the fish. You bet however much medicine you wish. I'll take any. And I have no other chance of getting it. If you win, you get the fish I walk away with nothing. If I win, you give me the drugs and I still give you fish. That way you win and get some compensation."
"You're willing to gamble?" Max asks, but he's clearly intrigued. I'm willing to bet he's getting board being lord of the island managing fishing and settling minor disputes. "Texas Hold 'em?"
"It's all I have," I say, taking a breath, "I'll even play three card poker. You're surely an expert at that after Oxford?"
Max's eyes flash.
Because it's a lie. While three card poker is a popular variant in UK casinos, Texas hold 'em is still very popular and equally well known. There's no reason he'd know three card poker better than hold 'em after going to Oxford. However.  I now have proof he didn't actually spend that much time there. He's afraid to contradict me. If he does it undermines that he went to Oxford. But by the look on his face he doesn't actually know how to play that well.
"Fine, come, we'll go by the fire," Max says, taking a step back.
"You understand I do have to see the drugs?" I ask.
"Oh yes."
He returns to a make shift hut I assume is his as it's nicest. All the huts are clustered at the back end of the beach. I sit down by one of the signal fires, facing the camp. Max returns with Ivan and two other men who choose not to introduce themselves.
I take a deep breath. Finally in my element.
There's no guarantee of course to win a card game because there's always an elemeant of luck. But there's an old saying I made up, there's no such thing as bad cards, just a player bad at using them.
There are fifty two cards in a deck. That means there's a 1/52 chance of getting an individual card at any given time. That reduces as cards are played, that is, as plays are revealed from the deck that means the first hand, is nearly a mystery, and then in turn subsequent hands are easier and easier to predict as cards are narrowed down. Simple? For the most part if you have a clear head and good memory and basic math abilities.
Hands are always hands three of a kind, straight, flush, normal card hands you might play in any basic family card game or even in solitaire.
For professional, or rather more ambitious players, Texas Hold 'Em is infinitely more challenging than three card, therefore it's more common. In Texas Hold 'Em, the dealer places cards face up on the table, and then deals cards to the players. With the four revealed cards subtracted from the deck (now there's not a 1/52 chance, there's a 1/48 chance of getting particular card), it's automatically reduces the unknowns making keeping track a bit more fun.
Three card poker play is actually more, to me at least, like twenty one, in terms of strategy and bets. Bets are bit more fun in three card, but the card predictions are harder.  That's because after an inital bet is placed, three card poker is played by three cards being dealt to the dealer, then three to each player. There's a series of bets, and then the cards are revealed. The 'trick' in three card poker is that if the dealer's hand is less than a qualifiying hand, typically a queen, then everyone is 'out' so to speak, and the original bet is returned but subsequent bets are not returned.
That means that unlike Texas Hold 'Em, the best way to play three cards poker is to not play three card poker. There's zero way of guessing other players hands the only thing you see is your own three, and deciding how lucky you feel.1/52 plus 1/52 plus 1/52 is 3/52, which is 5% of the deck. A lower percentage than Texas hold 'em (where you the player see 8/52 cards, 15% of the deck, on the first round).
Twenty one of course is played by betting and attempting to predict when the total of the cards will reach 21. It's got it's entertainments for professionals, but over all it's a literal crap shoot as you've almost no way of predicting the next card. Fun to play with your family members...but not really good when you're trying to win a bet.
I would have been smart to accept Texas Hold 'Em, which is why I. Didn't. I'm paranoid even if he doesn't tknow I'm proficient in card games. By suggesting three card I'm reinforcing that I don't know how to play. I didn't totally expect to prove he didn't know it either.
But three card works for my purposes today. The cards in my hand are an easy, soothing meditation. I resist the urge to shuffle them idly.
Max returns with three men and Ivan, carrying a much better for the wear set of cards. I push mine in my pocket, maybe he is suspicious of me.
"I'll deal," one of the men says, oh he knows how to play three card that's why Max went and got him.
"Of course," I say, "Most—pebbles wins?"
"Done," Max says, picking up a handful of pebbles, "Three rounds, twenty stones to start each."
We sit down in a circle on the sand.  Max sets down a plastic bag with four precious red tabs. Ibropufen.
The lovely slap of cards against each other. I can nearly forget I'm in the place. I smell sweat and whiskey on men's breath and it smells of smoke from years past even though the smokers are long gone. It's nice to be home for a while.
First round of play is the ante bet. This is before the cards are even dealt. No way to calculate any odds of that.
We all place one pebble in the center. I already have memorized the odds of the dealer having a qualifying hand first round. If I didn't, I'd have to run all the odds of drawing each individual hand 3/52, then in this case multiple that by however many qualifying hands there are. Let's assume it's only one involving a queen so, a straight flush, any suit so that's four, three of a kind, one, straight, four different possiblites of that multiplied by the number of different straights there can be. One pair two queens, all four queens could be involved so times four, and then three odd cards simple just one queen and two odd cards that's just odds of drawing a queen in three draws easy?
Not totally if you don't have it memorized you now have to dthat in three seconds when the dealer says Ante.
I'm not being aggressive first hand so it's one 'stone'.
Now the dealer deals the cards, three cards each three cards down in front of dealer. Three faded red playing cards laying on the sand in front of me. The others pick up their cards to look them. I resist the natural urge to tip up the sides to simply glance at the suit then lay them back down. That prevents anyone behind you from seeing the cards and signaling, or other players from catching a glimpse. That's a common move in casinos and poker tournaments, it's not going to be natural body language for a 'friendly'.
An ace a three and a Jack, three odd. A terrible hand.  That's predictable.
We bet again, I again only bet one pebble I'm not going to fold when the others are watching and I have to look like I don't know what is going on. Typical strategy lose on the first hand at this point losing badly on the first hand is more suspicious to me but I'm doubting these guys are that jumpy.
They're not, they each place bets, all betting several pebbles, we all started with twenty. They're idiots who think the dealers' hand will qualify.
The dealer turns over his hand, it does not qualify no queen how predictable. A straight though, six seven eight that's interesting.
Our ante bets are returned and we fold our cards. We all lose our bets to the house, save the ante bet.
The dealer takes the cards and sets them to the side.
I'm wearing my usual poker face, to use an apt adage, but I want to laugh out loud.
He's—not reshuffling the deck? Where does he think he's playing grandma's house after Boxing Day? I now know six of the Cards in the deck.
Oh I'm in business.
No queens have been seen I don't know what the other hands were so I have to count those in the deck I only have six knowns. However six out 52 means each next draw is 1/46 I LIKE those odds. Those are far fucking better. I can guess who I think had a good hand, by their bets, but I'm not going to their idiots. Number one rule for playing with idiots, they're worse than the guys who are good at for betting high on an awful hand. Will I do that to fuck with people? Absolutely great way to throw off opponent. But morons will do it just because for like fun I guess. And the morons never fold they could have the worst hand in the history of poker their dumb assess will bet on it.  So I can't predict that. I could if I knew a player I don't here so skip it. I have to bet on the cards alone. That said none of them have anything like good poker faces. Max is growing increasingly annoyed, and Ivan isn't much better. The other two men are just confused.
I can't fully predict each card no. But with steady card counting and a good solid strategy (low ante bets, then raising my bets as the game goes on), I have them falling into rookie moves, such as folding the moment I make a high bet. That's easy, that means I can psyche them into not playing their own decent hands, for my mediocre one. With few cards to combine it's actually statistically easier than traditional Poker to get a winning hand, after all a straight of 3 is one less 1/52 likely to fall into place.
We play five games in the end, not Max's promised three, because he's clearly losing. A reshuffled deck doesn't phase me at all, by now I know everyone's games, and the shuffle was lazy enough that I can predict where the cards are. I haven't played this basic and laughably easy of a game since my father's drunk friends would come over on a Saturday night. Elton on the radio. And my clumsy seven year old fingers shuffling the cards while they laughed and drank warm beer because the refrigerator'd gone out. That was when I learned that winning doesn't mean the bullies can't come after you. I got smacked about for that. Till the union forman gave me the fifty pounds and told my father I'd earned it. Laughed and said I was a wild one.
Yes I am.
"I win I think?" I ask, calmly turning over a royal flush. That beats the dealer's two fo a kind.
The pile of pebbles in the middle of the sand circle, wasn't ever going to beat the ones I already have collected. I'm not saying I'm a massively superior player who can win under any circumstances. No, anyone can get a bad hand skill doesn't help that. I am saying they were really terrible. I only got one really good hand in the whole lot, the rest were just average but making logical bets, and decent strategy did win out.
Max rises, clearly annoyed. It was my game he never should have agreed to play.
"Here," I hold out the bag of dried fish.
Max tackes it, and makes no offer to hand over the ibproufen, in the crumpled plastic bag.
"Run on home now," Max says, poison laden in his voice.
"I won, fair and square it was your deck," I say. Not that I marked mine. I'm a professional after all.
"Life lesson for you there. Don't bargain with men like me, you won't win," Max says, putting the precious bag of pills into his pocket, "What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing at all," I say, quietly, looking at the stones scattered in the sand. How dare that be some remains of a certain peace I didn't think I'd feel again? Victory was never tainted but somehow I could always imagine it so. A conscience I should have had but has never been.
"Go back to your pathetic little camp," Max says, with the genuine disdain of someone who has a less pathetic camp and he really doesn't. I don't think our shelters are good but frankly neither are theirs.
"Fuck you," I say, quietly, backing up,
"Very mature," Max says, curling his lip.
I hike quietly back up towards the woods. I can't help but feel there's a target on his back. He's got to be running out of arrows sometime soon here. I don't spare a glance behind me, they really aren't worth it and I don'T dignify them with that. I'm wearing the boots today becuase of the hike so it's even slower going into the trees.
I feel a flash of relief to see Luke and River already waiting, perched half on a twisted tree trunk.
"Well?" I ask.
Luke holds up an entire plastic bag full of mixed pills. I recognize benedryl as well as easily ten ibproufen, "You gonna make me put it back?"
"No he refused to honor the deal, of course, let's go before he misses it," I say.
"I was going to be agasint putting it back anyway—they hoarded a ton of stuff this isn't even everything. And i'm not positive but I think they're trying to set up a still," River says, hopping down, "Looked like you won?"
"Yeah," I say, like I wasn'T always going to win. "They were honestly terrible."
"Will you teach me how to play poker?" Luke asks, hopefully. We play go fish and something the girls call 'war' around the fire.
"Yeah—I mean it's really not that fun it's about the timing of the bets," I explain, briefly, "I'll show you but, with three people not actually betting it's boring."
"But you won though," Luke says.
"Yeah, I won," I say quietly.
"How did you know how to play?" river asks.
The truth dances on my tongue it matters so very little here. But I still won't take any chance.
"Oh, school-it was jsut a thing, got into," I say, evasively. That satisfies them though. I could hit myself. It's not like card counting is illegal in either country. And they don't know me anyway. I don't know why I'm so secretive about my past. Like an open wound though it still throbs even as I take pains to hide it under layer and layer of neat lies. Till now one can see. And now it still feels odd to walk around and still they cannot see it.
"Huh, well showed them, what pricks," River mutters.
"Yeah, people are," I say, looking over at the pills, "anything else interesting in Max's little shelter thing?"
"Other than that htey looked they were starting a still? No. And no signs of cannibalism I know that's what you were thinking," River says.
"Well," they aren't exactly being nice.
"Yeah they'd eat us first," Luke says.
"When you get back to your mum you're NOT telling her how often we talked about cannibalism right? Can I get a yes on that?" I ask.
Luke flips me off.
"Fuck been hanging around me too much," I say, making the boy grin.
We get back to camp where Miranda still lays miserable and feverish, unable to sleep or rest, in and out of consciousness.
River kneels to sort out the precious pills, and take Luke to check our fish, and get cool cloths. We have the spare t-shirts, those make good enough wipes, when cooled in the ocean. Our cruel mistress, and yet also our source of food, and now cold. The salt water dries coarse on my skin and entraps me yet each day we return, again again, asking more.
And our efforts are in vain.
We get four of the pills down but Miranda vomits them back up again. She lasts a few more hours, incoherent, asking for her mother. I wonder if I'll be there in my final moments. Where in my brain when I know I'm crossing over, who will I think is my salvation? I can't imagine anyone.
Luke cries. River and I are weirdly numb. Death is a release. And we are both realizing this is how it was always going to go. One by one we'll slip away. At least she's not trapped here anymore. It wasn't quick. But it isn't as slow as our deaths are. I'm well aware the odds of infection and disease and malnutrition increase with each day spent on the island, meanwhile our odds of rescue decrease.
Because after 100 days the odds are they've stopped looking for us.
We have nothing to wrap her body in, and nothing to dig with. I'm strong enough to carry her alone, nobody's more surprised by this than me. 
Together we take her up to the clearing by the spring, where Luke's father is buried. It hasn't been disturbed. And right now our goal is to keep it from predators. I also don't want to distrub whatever does live in these woods by putting a grave somewhere else.
we have nothing to dig with except our hands. Together the tree of us kneel in the sandy soil, and I look at our faces. Gaunt. Hair bleached from sun, covered in sand, eyes so fierce and determined.
"Dig it deep," I say, quietly.
"Deep," River echoes.
It takes into night. We pause in turn to rest then go back to work even as the forest grows dark. We don't usually stay out in the woods after dark.
"Be not afraid, for the isle is full of noises," I say, quietly, as we hear the first of the sounds, a rustling distinctly human, in the brush. I wouldn't be surprised if someone was watching us, but then again Max's group doesn't seem that bold.
By the time dawn comes we have a grave deep enough for me to stand up in and still struggle to crawl out. We're filthy, covered in dirt and mud, eyes red from exhaustion. It's the best we can do.
We lower Miranda in, and I cover her with one of the shirts we had saved. A miserable shroud. As painfully needless of a death as Luke's father, and countless others. 
We all hold out fistfulls of dirt, and drop the first dusting into the grave. Then we cover her in earth. And mabye my mind protects me from grief. But in my mind she's warm and safe now. Just sleeping. Better than us. I have to think that probably or I'll lose my mind. That's generously assuming I had sanity to lose.
We spend the rest of the morning burying her, though that does go far quicker than digging.
The three of us are now on our own.
"We should move camp, he'll know by now we took that," River says, quietly looking at Luke. I know what she's thinking. She's thinking he might be strong enough to survive. We're already doing our best to keep him strong. We keep giving the bigger portions of food we may make it. He may make it.
"Yeah. Let's explore, right? The north end. Whatever. We know what's to the south, and not like we have anything else giong," I shrug.
"Yeah, let's do it," River says, looking at Luke.
"What if rescue planes don't see us? If we're not on a beach?" Luke asks.
"The Society down there has lots of fires, the planes will see that, and we will definitely hear the noise and then go to them," I point out.
River looks at me sharply. I know she's surprised, because she knows I don't think they're ever coming.