Guilty Heart

Chapter One

I stared down blankly at my bowl of cereal. The milk was already sogging into my coloured Cheerios and were turning all shades of pinks and blues. I had already lost my appetite, but my train of thought just kept on moving like a roller coaster.

Will I be able to make friends quickly? Will anybody want to talk to me?

Those questions just continued to come back and bombard me all morning. Transferring to a new school was always tough for me. But this year would be different, I would be joining in seventh grade. The second year of middle school, the grade where everyone was already in a fixed friend group. Nobody would want me. I would be the odd one out- the weirdo.

"Everything good, love?" Mom asked me from the kitchen counter.

No. But instead I said, "Yeah... I guess." She never really understood how I felt- a little bit ironic, to be honest. My mom was a professional therapist for children. She works at a private school and every night, comes home telling Dad and I all of the drama between the kids at her school. But for some reason, her soothing tactics just never worked with me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked gently. I knew she was just trying to help; but it didn't just work like that, my parents just couldn't seem to take the hint sometimes.

No, I thought again. "It's fine. Just... excited." I smiled slightly at Mom, hoping that that would be enough, and she could just leave me alone to sulk by myself. But it seemed like the universe just couldn't hear my calls.

"Well, I'm sure that you'll make lots of friends there. Who doesn't want to be friends with the best, most kindhearted and smartest girl in the world? Nobody! That's who!" She chuckled, but I just bowed my head in embarrassment. I hated when she made those cringy jokes, they weren't even funny. But thank the lord she didn't hold it for too long, "I think the bus is almost here, your cereal is getting soggy." She jerked her chin at my bowl of mushy cereal and grey milk.

"What if I mess up?" I blurted. Mom looked at me questioningly, so I explained to her quickly, "when I'm introducing myself... or anytime- what if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time? Nobody would want to talk to me then. Maybe I should just stay home, you should tell them that I'm sick today."

The smile returned to her face again as she replied, "of course that won't happen. Do you think that you'll mess up?"

"No...but-"

"Then there," she cut me off, "you will do just fine. Now finish your cereal faster." She nudges the bowl and the spoon into my hands again, then starts to lecture me on what to do if someone asks me something I don't know the answer to... I let my focus drift off as I slurp down my breakfast.

The spoon clattered into the bowl with a loud noise as I picked the dishes up and dump them in the kitchen sink. While I was tugging my shoes on and stacking my bag full of useless items, I kept feeling Mom's eyes watching my every move. It was so awkwardly silent in the room, I almost wanted to say something- but no words came out of my mouth, so I just continued adding heavy things in my bag that I was positive I wouldn't need for at least a week.

A raincoat, check; Planner? Yes. Urgh... I just wish Mom would stop staring at me- I'm not even doing anything wrong. Folder, yes. Maybe I should bring an extra book? A headband would be cool. Do the other kids wear headbands? If they don't, then I can just leave it in the bag.

As if my mom could read my mind, she looked out the window and sighed, "beautiful weather, isn't it?" My thoughts crossed over one another before I could even process her question. I was so focused on not missing anything on my first day of school, that I wound up feeling like I was missing everything.

Finally, my mind snapped out of the weird trance. What did Mom just say? "Um... no?" She looks at me totally confused.

Oops. "I mean yes- yeah... the sky, yep. Lovely." My words stumbled over one another, and I felt my cheeks burning on the inside. Will I sound like this when I'm talking to people at school? No wonder they'll think I'm a psycho.

Mom looks at me oddly for a moment then changes the subject, "so... do you know your schedule already?"

"Yes." That was easy, I'd been practising my agenda for weeks on end until I had memorised it by heart. "You know that already."

I don't know why I added that, it just... came out of my mouth- it was like a racecar that had sped through my mind and my tongue before I could even process it. Maybe I was just annoyed at the lack of independence Mom was giving me. But everything was going so slow yet so fast today and I wasn't sure what was going on. So whatever it was, my last sentence definitely triggered Mom's switch from on to off.

"What did you say?" I looked down at my brand-new sneakers Dad had bought me for school, shamefully. "Excuse me, young lady. Did you just try playing sassy on me? Well, I'm not accepting this attitude in my house. I have been nothing but happy for you all morning. But you have been just so... so ungrateful, so keen to push me away, all morning. I'm expecting that note after you come home."

The note. The note. Something that Mom and I had decided on recently as a way to... understand my wrongdoings? Even if I disagree that I did something wrong, it wasn't the worst way to deal with them. The way the note worked was that I would write a formal apology to my mom about how I had made a mistake and my new aspect on it... the correct aspect, according to Mom. These seldom happened a lot, so I secretly enjoyed making the designs on the note to lift my mom's current bad mood.

"Yes. Sorry, Mom... I didn't mean it that way-"

"I still want that note."

I thought that maybe she secretly enjoyed the notes, too. I had recently found out that she kept all the notes in a box somewhere in her and Dad's bedroom.

"Okay, bye Mom!"

"Hurry, you're going to be late." I know that already- it's exactly why I am leaving right now. Sometimes I would have those weird thoughts of frustration burst into my head, it wasn't even like I was mad or anything in the moment- just random thought bubbles that would eject into my mind and make me upset at the strangest of things. "Love you." Mom called from her seat at the table.

"Yeah, love you too." I mumbled as I slipped through the front door and closed it quietly behind me.

I smiled, the outside air always made me happy. I turned around in the chilly morning air to examine my little veggie garden. And that's when I heard the doors to a giant yellow school bus close.

No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening! I'm going to be late! "Stop! Please!" I yelled hopelessly into the wind. "No..."

A warm, fat tear rolled down my cheeks. "No..." I whispered to myself as I forced my feet to move in the direction the school bus went. I scraped my feet on the cement sidewalk, not looking up.

And that's when I heard an unfamiliar, yet so familiar voice. "Is that you, Chelsea?"

To be continued...

♡ Hello everyone! ♡

I hope you enjoyed Chapter 1. If you did, please vote on it and leave a comment! I love feedback:)

☆ Question of the day ☆

Who do you think is the person that called out to Chelsea?

(I'm sure many authors do this, but just for purposes, a fellow author, Lydia Bloodworth, inspired me with this idea of adding a question after each chapter! So if you aren't already, please go follow her. She is a good friend of mine and a great author!)