Stay Green || [h.s.]

Chapter Four

hey hey! Sorry for the delay, life is crazy and writer's block sucks.

Plz, plz let me know what you think! It seriously makes my entire life.

Also, this chapter (and the next) is very clearly inspired by a specific Harry song. Any guesses?

Love y'all! <3

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Callie Lyon

When you spend the majority of time in your own head, you become acutely familiar with the array of emotions and sensations that pass through your mind. I sit with each feeling, assessing its origin and analyzing how long I will be existing alongside it.

Over the years, I have learned that happiness, with all its sparkly warmth, is fleeting. As much as I wish it would take up permanent residence in my head, it never stays for long. Much like an idolized older sibling whose appearances are becoming more infrequent, leaving you to wait eagerly for the next time they decide to pay a visit home. I always sit awaiting at the metaphorical window of my mind, anticipating the next time happiness might decide to drop in.

I push away all other emotions, banishing them to the peripherals of my mind. Leaving them to fester in my subconsciousness in order to create space for happiness to occupy. In hopes that I'd be ready to receive it once it finally tumbles into my psyche. But as the elusive happiness has become harder to find, more sinister emotions are beginning to claw at the hollow space in my head.

I feel nervous. I feel inadequate. But even worse, I feel empty.

My mind is a holding pattern. Constantly waiting for something that I am no longer certain is coming.

Jesus Christ Callie, that is bleak.

I shake my head to clear it of these esoteric thoughts as I straighten my spine against the plush leather seat of the black Escalade I am currently riding in. It had picked me up at 9:00 sharp just as today's agenda said it would. After we ended today's activities, I had only an hour at home alone to decompress and get ready for the after party at the Malbon house. Des had opted to stick around the clubhouse and ride over to the after party house with Zayn.

Today has been an absolute whirlwind.

From the multiple introductions, to the press conference, to the putting demonstration, to the preceding talks from Malbon's founder and head creative director, it had felt like we were on show the entire day. And to a certain extent, we were. With cameras documenting every activity and interaction for social content, my cheeks hurt from holding a smile all day. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful, but right now the prevailing sensation ricocheting down my limbs is fatigue.

However instead of using this 15-minute car ride to get in a much-needed nap, my mind is reeling. Unable to think about anything other than what Harry said to me.

You're easy to read, Callie Lyon.

It caught me off guard. As someone so painfully aware of my emotions, I pride myself on my ability to push away or camouflage them. I have perfected my carefully constructed guise of unshakable indifference. I can't remember the last time someone had described me as anything other than serious, quiet, or stoic.

Because I have always had to be okay. There was never room for anything other than that.

I don't like it when others catch a glimpse into the parody that is my internal wellbeing. And it happens so rarely. So, the fact that Harry's words insinuate that he might have gotten a peek behind the mask...well that doesn't sit well with me.