AFTER GOODBYE.

I HATE FUNERALS | I

I think we all overestimate what we know. The line between reality and everything else is very thin, and sometimes, our brains distort that line so much that it becomes non-existent. I am here to tell you what that feels like and how it can ruin your life.

It started with Frankie's funeral. It was a warm day in late June. The sun was shining through the church windows casting beautiful colors on the walls, but it couldn't lift the weight hanging in the air. It was like the air was frozen still.

I sat in the back, far from the casket, I couldn't bring myself to walk any closer. I looked around the church, examining the crowd. I recognized most of the people; her family, her parents. They looked numb, staring blankly as the pastor droned on about heaven and eternal peace, words that didn't mean anything to me at that moment. None of it felt real. The idea of "peace" sounded hollow.

I was snapped back from my trance by Kaylee placing her hand on my knee.

"You okay?" She asked quietly, a gentle and reassuring smile on her face.

"Mhm," I mutter through my teeth. But in reality, I wasn't okay. None of it was. How could she even ask such a question? I just wanted to yell out every single word that came to mind, but the words were hitched in my throat.

Everyone loved Frankie. She was a beautiful girl, almost like a goddess. She had dark voluminous curls, the deepest brown eyes, and golden tan skin. She was the type of girl who would always smile at you, when you walksed past her in the hallway.

It all seemed to hit me in the moment. She really was gone: dead and soon to be buried. Her death was all so sudden and frankly brutal. It was a closed-casket funeral because of how destroyed and mutilated her body was. No closure. No goodbye. Just a wooden box in front of the church.

I didn't want to but I started to imagine what she might look like in the casket. Of course, I didn't know what exactly happened. Only her family knew that, but I had heard the whispers. Her body was supposedly mangled, barely sticking together. Her face which once used to be so full of love and emotion, now remained cold for eternity.

I swallowed hard, trying to push the thoughts and images flooding my mind away. My chest felt tight, an invisible weight on top of me making it difficult to breathe. All I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears and my breath shaking.

I wanted to scream. To run. To do something, to make it all better. But there was no way of bringing Frankie back or making it all feel better. I was stuck, in the trap of my own mind.

And worse, no one knew who was responsible for this nightmare. The police said that they were investigating the case but there were no leads so far. No fingerprints, no hair follicles, not even a spec of blood, just a dead end. Everyone had alibis for the night she disappeared. How does one disappear like that and end up so destroyed without anyone noticing?

A lump was forming in my throat and I struggled to swallow. I wanted to cry; to sob. I wasn't ready to let go, not like this. It was all too much.

"It's okay to cry, Cameron. She was your best friend. She wouldn't want you bottling everything up." Kaylee's voice cut through.

I blinked, realizing that I had been staring into the abyss for god knows how long. I turned to look at Kaylee. Her eyes were filled with concern, the kind that seemed almost condescending, she meant well, but at that moment it just seemed to rile me up more.

"I know," I lied, my voice lingering with frustration. I didn't know anything I was completely clueless.

As the funeral service ended, people started to leave the church, but I was still frozen in place. Oddly enough, I didn't want to leave. This felt like the last chance of getting any closure.