Tears wouldn't stop falling from my eyes as the angel boy held me close, his warmth enveloping me like a shield against the biting cold of the morning. I felt as if I were caught in a whirlwind of emotions, my heart pounding in my chest as I leaned into his embrace. My head rested on his shoulder, and the steady rhythm of his breath was both soothing and disconcerting-not just because I craved comfort, but because I was utterly unworthy of it. I feel so pathetic crying so helplessly in front of him, I desperately tried to stop the sobs that left me but they wouldn't stop.
"Let me die please" I mumbled weakly as my voice cracked.
"I can't" He whispered.
I felt frustration build with in me, why did I matter so much to him? I didn't mean anything to him, he doesn't even know me, I don't even know him. He shouldn't care about me this much if he doesn't even know me, maybe he really is an angel. I tried getting out of his hold on me, but my limbs felt like complete jelly from how much I cried.
"Are you an angel?" Fuck, I wasn't supposed to blurt that out.
"Um... no, I don't think so" He said, I was a bit surprised by his answer.
"oh"
"What's your name?" He seemed a bit hesitant to say.
"Hyunjin" I mumble.
"Felix" he said, and the name echoed in my mind-Felix... Felix... where have I heard that name before? Lots of people have that name, but there was something about the way he said it that pricked at my memory, something familiar yet just out of reach.
I tried to break free from his grasp again, a surge of desperation coursing through me. But, once again, I faltered, my body rebelling against my will. My mind drifted to when he said I still had so much left to do... he was right I guess, I still hadn't finished school or done anything exciting other than just staying home. But did any of that even matter at this point? I would have to go back to my... parents since I don't have anywhere else to go, I'd rather die then see them ever again. I felt tears start to form in my eyes again just thinking about them, I never want to go back. Maybe they'll just go back to ignoring me again, its better than them noticing I actually exist.
I finally manage to push him off me, I feel him trying to hold me again but I quickly scurry down the stairs, watching my steps as I go.
"Where are you going?" I heard him say, his voice tinged with a mix of concern and confusion.
"Home," I replied flatly.
"Could I walk you there?" His tone was gentle.
"No"
"How can I trust your actually going there?" I chose to ignore his question and just start walking off, I feel him walking right beside me.
We walked down the dimly lit streets, the cool air wrapping around us, it had already gotten dark outside. A sense of dread settled into my bones, gripping me tightly. What am I doing? Why am I going back? The truth was there was really nowhere else for me to go, nowhere I could escape to except for that familiar, haunting place. I prayed that my parents would choose to ignore me when I returned, or that a car runs over me and I die.
I could feel my breath becoming quicker, as I walked closer and closer towards the house. Memories of the past flashing in my head.
"Are you alright?" His voice cut through the fog of my thoughts, he must've noticed how heavily I was breathing.
"Yeah," I lied, I could tell he knew I was lying but he chose not to say anything.
My heart thudded violently in my chest now, each beat echoing with anxiety, my palms growing clammy as the house finally came into full view.
"Is this your house?" he asked, I didn't respond. Hesitantly, I stepped onto the creaking porch stairs, my handing gripping onto the railing. My legs trembled beneath me, a mixture of fear and familiarity flooding my senses. Why am I doing this? Why am I going back? I shut my eyes tightly, breathing deeply in an attempt to quell the rising tide of panic, before shakily pushing the door open and stepping across the threshold.
When I finally opened my eyes, I looked around to see If my parents were here. Thankfully my parents weren't here, they were no where to be seen. I exhaled a deep breath I hadn't even realized I was holding in, the weight of it leaving me in an unexpected rush. I dashed up the stairs, two at a time, and threw the door to my room shut behind me, hurriedly cocooning myself in the familiar warmth of my blanket.
What even made me switch from wanting to kill myself to coming back here? A part of me longed for escape, while another desperately clung to the fragile threads of hope. I still wanted to die, but at the same time, I wanted to live-I wanted to believe there was something left for me to live for. Maybe if I worked hard enough, I could break free from these chains. Or maybe I could just end it all.
Why did I come back here?
