Friends Don't Do This

CHAPTER 14: Memories

CONTENT WARNING: Nakakahilong read. This is how Alistair's brain works when he's reminiscing about things. Pardon my narration hehe.

ALISTAIR

ALISTAIR REMEMBERED very well the way his breath caught, shaky and shallow. The image of Eros on the hospital bed had seared itself into his mind. It was a haunting reminder of how close he had come to losing him.

His heart twisted even more as he took in the sight of Eros, pale and shrunken against the stark hospital sheets. The hospital gown hung loose. Eros looked smaller, as if he could shatter at the slightest touch.

'He really lost a lot of weight...' An ache settled deep in Alistair's chest. Napalunok siya. Ayaw niya itong hawakan, ayaw niyang maramdaman ang walang lakas nitong kamay, ngunit mas nanaig sa kanya ang kagustuhan na maramdaman ang mainit nitong balat.

"Remember Frankenstein, Eros?" Alistair asked with a slight tremble in his voice. "There's that line where Victor says, 'I, who irretrievably destroyed thee by destroying all thou lovedst.'" He paused for awhile--his throat started hurting. "You almost did that to yourself, you know. Like you were taking everything you've been, everything you could be, and tearing it apart--just because the world felt... unbearable."

Kahit nakapikit si Eros at mukhang tulog, kinakausap pa rin ito ni Alistair. If Eros were in a normal state, he would likely mention--perhaps with that slight tilt of his head and a hint of earnestness--that studies suggest even comatose patients may retain some level of awareness. He'd probably point out, almost clinically, that familiar voices, especially those of loved ones, can stimulate brain activity and might even aid in recovery.

"But," kinlaro ni Alistair ang lalamunan nang may bumikig doon, "but you are more than that darkness. You're a hundred things this world needs, even if you..." Masakit na ang lalamunan niya sa pagpigil ng mga luha, pero nagpatuloy pa rin siya sa pagsasalita dahil kung hindi ngayon, kailan pa ba niya ito masasabi? "... even if you can't see them right now. And you--you have a strength that's rooted so deep, no moment of pain should be allowed to erase it."

Alistair swallowed hard. May isang rebeldeng luha ang kumawala sa kanyang kaliwang mata. Agad niyang pinunasan iyon gamit ang palad.

"So don't forget, Eros. Don't forget who you are just because it hurts. Because you..." Humigpit ang kapit niya sa kamay nitong walang swero. "... you deserve to live, and to be whole, even when it feels impossible."

While in the hospital, Alistair had his moments when he'd sing for Eros, completely unbothered by the fact that his voice was miles off pitch or that he hit some notes like he was aiming for another planet.

"Andito lang ako makikinig sa'yo..." kanta niya rito. "... sa buong magdamag. Sa'kin, 'di ka balewala... Sige lang, sandal ka na at 'wag mong pipigilan... Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit. Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa akin..."

Minsan na siyang naaabutan ni Manang Maia na ngumangawa--at maiiyak na lang ito habang binibidyuhan siya sa phone nito.

"Para kang pintura, buhay ko ikaw ang nagpinta. Para kang unan, pinapainit mo ang aking tiyan. Para kang kumot na yumayakap sa tuwing ako'y nalulungkot..." Hinimas niya ang ulo nito--Eros looked so peaceful. "Kaya't 'wag magtataka kung bakit ayaw kitang mawala."

"'Pag napanood 'to ng alaga ko, t'yak babatukan ka noon. Ewan ko lang kung sa kilig o sa inis, hijo," tudyo ni Manang Maia at pinahiran ang basang pisngi ng panyo. Ang isa nitong kamay ay hawak pa rin ang phone na nakatutok sa kanila ni Eros.