I'm fine. I always have been.
That's my to-go reply to any question about my wellness.
"Darkness does not exist in her dictionary" they say, but you can't see what inside a black bottle till it pours out.
You didn't make it to the party last night, what's up? It's nothing I'm fine
You haven't been talking much, are you okay? Totally, I'm fine
You seem to like being by yourself all the time, is anything going on? Not at all I'm totally fine
I'm fine, I'm good, I'm fine... but am I really?
In the midnight by 12 am to 3 am when the others are sound asleep, I'm alone in the living room crying my heart out just hoping it won't fall apart but still I'm as quiet as a rat hiding from a cat, I'm me. I always have been.
"Just let it out" They said but I need words to do that and I lack that.
Anxiety, depression, self hate, ignition of anger caused by the reflection of my very own shadow and guess what, I can't run away from it cause it's sewn on me.
I'm tormented by my own self,
My mind is like a raging lion that is after me.
My imagination; a pencil that draws my destruction
My mission; to live like that pretty girl cause she's better than what I am
My vision; Be loved by them no matter what
My philosophy is the end of me cause one day I'll have to cut my neck off and sew it back on just to fit in the neck piece the pretty girl is wearing
"Aww, her smile is the brightest in the room"
Does anyone have a soul scanner? I'm pretty sure mine will win the darkest too.
"You're insane if you think they'll ever like you"
"Why are you trying so hard, you're not pretty. Just shut up and sit down"
"What are you doing with your face, that picture is ugly. Delete it now before they see it"
"Your wearing that to go out? Really? You look really stupid in that" says my reflection in the mirror.
And people say thoughts are beautiful. Wow.
I can only find peace in fantasies but the real world spits at me when I'm back from it.
"Who are you kidding, this is your life not that" it says.
Should I hurt myself? Maybe I'll feel better. Should I end myself? Maybe it'll stop
But it's okay, I'm fine.
...
