THE GENIE OF THE LUMP

Chapter 1.1: Me

"May you be cursed for all eternity!" she screams, then vanishes into the darkness. She's gone just like that, suddenly. Like my mother—though with a bit more drama. She left me alone in the cave, with the golden lamp in my hands. She was the last flame of my father, and like all flames, she went out. After everything that's happened, I couldn't expect any other kind of ending. But maybe it's best to start from the beginning.

I'm just a regular guy, the kind you'd see walking down the street with headphones on, music blasting. That look of indifference on my face? It's my way of trying to escape a reality I don't much like. I'm one of those who wants something different but doesn't quite know what, living life hoping for something unexpected, a twist, something out of the ordinary. But then, nothing ever actually happens.

I don't have any special or unique features. No talent. Nothing exclusive that sets me apart. Or maybe I should say—I didn't have anything special until a little while ago. Yeah, because what happened to me is incredible, so incredible it seems unreal. But I swear, on my faithful travel companion, it's all true!

Let's start with the basics. Twelve years old sounds like the perfect place to begin. The day I met her for the first time—or rather, the day she became part of my life. We can call that the starting point. I was just a kid back then, still too young and naive, but very curious and stubborn. Physically, I was too thin, with a round face, the type who struggles to grow up and keeps those childlike features even into adolescence. They're the worst when they're desperate to grow up but their bodies refuse to catch up.

My mother left. I never knew her; she ran away right after I was born. I was too young to remember her, though sometimes I feel like I have a sense memory of her warmth. Weird, right? She just left me here, like an asshole, with my dad. At least I have him, though it's like he's never there.

I was raised by a team of butlers and nannies who could hardly keep up with me. As a kid, I was one of those kids people call "spirited"—basically hyperactive. With my reckless, rebellious behavior, I was the household pest. The only one. At school, I was the kid who annoyed the teachers, disrupted class, and always got into trouble. Whenever I got too obnoxious, they'd try calling my dad, but he'd never show up. He was always too busy with work. His crappy work! (Okay, okay, I'll watch the cursing. But if that bothers you already, maybe this book isn't for you. You might want to close it up and get a refund on Amazon before you go any further!) There's going to be plenty of crude stuff to tell you, and there's just no way around it.

Everyone tried to discipline me, and my dad spared no expense in giving me a "proper" education. I couldn't care less; I did whatever popped into my mind without second thoughts, and eventually, people just gave up and let me have my way. I grew up spoiled and demanding. "What can you expect from a millionaire's kid?" you'd say. "If I were in his shoes..." I didn't have it bad, honestly.

I lived a life of total luxury. Every summer, I spent months vacationing on Dad's yacht in places you can only imagine! Or maybe just scroll through on Instagram while you sit on the throne of meditation with your outdated phone, probably bought secondhand or refurbished to save a few bucks. I, on the other hand, was free to show myself as nature intended (literally), doing whatever I wanted.

My only problem was finding something to do, something to want. I could have anything. All I had to do was ask, anytime, and my request was granted. You have no idea how hard it is to want something—anything—when you can have absolutely everything.

I know, I can feel you all squirming. You're already thinking: "How long is this guy going to take to get to the point? When does the genie come out of his wonder tool and start granting wishes?" Well, assuming you've read the synopsis or done a bit of research about what this manuscript is about. Otherwise, that was a SPOILER! Or maybe you're one of those who picks a book by its cover, reads nothing but the title, dives headfirst into reading, and only comes up for air when they're finished, barely even breathing.

In any case, don't rush. You need to savor the journey. As they say, "It's not about the destination, but the journey." You need to appreciate each moment along the way, without being in a hurry to reach the end. Yes, if you're wondering, that was a veiled reference to orgasms, but it seemed a bit too direct to say: "Don't be in a hurry to reach the end of the show; focus instead on enjoying yourself while munching on popcorn or engaging in a moment of intimate contemplation."

Anyway, let's get back on track, so the more impatient ones among you will be satisfied. What were we talking about? Ah, right, my father.