just come home

it's okay to be sad

"I could always use the TARDIS to go back. Arrive here an hour after you guys did. Change the timeline. Then we'd have more time together."
"it's okay to be sad."

The words spoken by Yaz are deafening. She watches two members of her family leave the TARDIS, understanding it's the end. Not the end of the universe, but of their time together. She can hardly believe it - after nearly 20 years in a cosmic prison, she returns, missing by 10 months. Though she never counted her years, wasting them on adventures and dangers, those Earthly months affected her friends more than she could have imagined.

She feels so small. Broken. She wants to drop everything, bury her face in her knees, close herself off from the world. She wants to hide, to be as small as she feels. Her hearts ache with the pain of loss, of missed chances. She wants to give up, but the Doctor never gives up. Not so easily.

She was always afraid to lose. That's why, in her new form, she kept everyone away from her hearts, locking her soul behind seven doors, alone with herself and the chaos around her. And there was too much going on around her.

She steps back cautiously, retreating. The TARDIS door has long since closed, but the blonde still can't move. Restless thoughts keep churning in her mind. And plans. Hundreds of fragments of possible plans flash through her head. She can't piece them all together - like puzzles, they don't fit. But she intuitively knows where to begin.

She suddenly dashes to the console, reaching for the lever, ready to begin her dance around the control panel, but then freezes. Something stops her. Deep inside, doubts sting her soul.

It's okay to be sad.

Why did those words affect her so much? Did she ever allow herself to be sad? Oh no... she'd smile, brighter than any sun, always confident and a bit cheeky. Walking through alien worlds like she knew them all, and she did. Bursting into buildings, flinging open doors as if they belonged to her.

Longing.

Where did that word come from? No, she can still fix this.

Ten months. She'll go back. She'll try to go back. No, she'll do everything she can to prevent this from happening. Again.

Her hands roam chaotically over the console, grabbing buttons and levers. She sets up some coordinates, quickly circling around, then places her hand on the main lever.

And doesn't pull it.

She freezes, breathing heavily, angry with herself. What's wrong with this Doctor? Her mind feels shattered, scattered like broken glass.

"Doctor..."

Somewhere in the back of her mind, a voice murmurs, words unclear. The Time Lady is so consumed by her inner struggle that she loses sight of everything around her. She battles memories. She's angry. Her hand grips the lever tighter. But she still hesitates to make the final move.

The TARDIS lights dim, as if the world itself is fading in the distance. And footsteps grow quieter.

"Doctor."

A sea burns in her mind, memories crash like waves against her consciousness and then disappear, only to reappear again. It's an endless battle of a raging ocean, and this feeling - strange, overwhelming. She wants to run as far as possible. To flee from herself, lock herself away. But... someone's hand rests lightly on her shoulder, barely a touch. Cautious.

"Doctor, what are you doing?"

"I can bring it all back!" She screams, ripping her hand from the lever, "I want it all back..."

She spins around, the tails of her coat swirling in a dance. But she's met by Yaz's concerned brown eyes, so close, and only now does she realize how hard Yaz has tried to reach her, trapped in her own storm of thoughts.

"You can't..."

The words softly settle over her turbulent thoughts. She sighs quietly, conceding defeat, as the weight of centuries lifts from her shoulders.

"I know."

And a single tear, like a star falling from the sky, leaves a wet trail down her cheek, shattering like glass.

"It's okay to be sad, Doctor."

She's enveloped in an embrace, something unfamiliar. Yaz's hands gently wrap around her from behind, her fingers trembling slightly, unsure how close she's allowed to get. And the Doctor feels it through the fabric of her coat, smiling slightly. She hugs Yaz back, pulling her even closer, warmth spreading through her body. The storm calms, and her thoughts find peace.

"Yasmin Khan, are you afraid to hug me?"

"No, not at all..." Yaz whispers, embarrassed.

Her fierce pain gives way to realization. Things will never be the same. But something will always remain unchanged.