VENT

10/30/24

12:38AM

To be honest. I feel lost enough to cry for help to strangers. The more shitty days that pass the more you'll learn about me and my family. For now...I can tell you nothing particularly triggered me into feeling this way today. My meds wore off and I was reminded of how much I hate myself and my life. How many times I've hated myself to the point of punching and cutting myself up. How I couldn't enjoy my own birthday without the looming feeling of dread and hatred. I wish I wasn't born...so why the hell would I want to celebrate it? I feel empty, I feel like I'm in a mindless auto pilot all day and as soon as I'm alone the weight feels so heavy on me. I can't even tell my emotions apart right now. Any time I find myself smiling my mind reminds me just how much I want to fucking die. I was sober for months and months, but something went wrong, and it all started over again...since then my sh has just gotten worse and more often. I feel so stupid, I'm not alone...I have friends, I have a boyfriend, I have my brothers but...I feel so alone. I unintentionally stuff down the things I don't want to overburden them with... and when it comes up again and I'm low...I don't feel like I can talk to them...I feel so alone, and I know it's all my fault.

11:29PM

I woke up late because the thought of going to school today made me sick...I was still forced to go, and I showed up late. In my pottery class I felt so anxious that I went to the corner and curled up, I was too numb to cry but I definitely would have otherwise. Then I went to therapy and surprisingly it went better than most times, I was able to communicate the shit that's been gutting me out for years. But really, it's not going to be helped until next month, she wanted me to bring in my parents next time so she can help them understand that the way they're treating me is fucked up. And my family held a Halloween party tonight like I haven't vocalized how much I don't want to do it. It was fine during the party but afterwards I realized how masked I was. Now I'm so fucking exhausted and I've been sh-ing a lot lately...