Just when in my mind you couldn't become my biggest obsession, I dreamed of you. I remember through the text the exact same words that you wrote to me in my dreams. At first you proved my thoughts wrong by showing me you loved me again... I was bare for you like I was for no other. We held and cuddled in my living room yet you got up and left with a kiss to my temples. Covered up I walked you to the door just to glance your way once before the words repeated themselves to me.
"We are only friends."
Tears streamed down like the first time I heard them, my heart broken once again after months upon months of healing. I thought it would have been different. Time passed and you told me that we may try again. What happened to that again you spoke of? Could you really have been that tired of me breaking your heart that I dug the whole for friend zone deep? A island isn't big enough to store up all of these close to braking sanity moments spent... I love you. Mistakes were made and once lost couldn't be back. Rejection at every corner and the one confessing his love towards me being the one my friend loves more than anything. No will power could make me wrong them like I've wronged others. Still he smiled and worshiped me with his eyes. A look I wish he gave her and not me because of my stupidity...
On a cruise, you saved me from drowning and being bitten off by a Great White Shark. We held hands and smiled like the world wasn't important at the moment when embracing each other. Friendship; The bond that kept us together all of these years yet, it led to this. Trembled when speaking to you for no other reason then maybe nerves? A simple brotherly figure in my eyes so why is it that in the dream we were more? Explain these things to me please I just don't get it! On my knees I'm begging for things to make sense once again in my mind. Nothing is clear from where I can see it. Every morning is a blur and heartache away. The time is ticking; I only got a couple of more days left here in the real world before its one hundred percent chattered again. Dreams coming strong showing me things I can't bear with at the moment.
What happened to the walls that stood up made of concrete and tears? Where is the child that smiled so innocently up at the sky and believed in love at first sight? You were told once to be strong no matter what! Be the big girl and wear your big girl head up without a single tear they said... look at me I would beg... look at me shattered beyond emotional repair. Have those colored eyes watching me while I put up a mask to the world unsure of what to do anymore. Mistake; a single mistake polished over with desire. Grateful for the things I have yet I want to leave it all behind in ashes. Music isn't safe and sound anymore little one. People are dying around you and replacing things to make it seem okay. It is not a bed for you to lie in and spend hours crying till you feel better while telling you sweet nothings.
Why?
From one decision to the next we skip with the memories at bay reminding us not to do the same thing again. Put on the mask little one because things will be okay. Grim reaper will wait its turn to work again and pick up those in need. Keep walking with that mask on your face. Please don't cry your heart out when they leave. Time spent with them laughing and smiling is all you need to take with you for now. Let them all leave and come back if you want. Be grateful for what you possess you stubborn child! Don't rip apart the flesh; don't drink away the pain inside making it hard to breath. Stupid; a beautiful place surrounding you offering you sights to ravish on and you want it burned to the ground. Will torture work for you so you could finally be happy? Will those nightmares actually happen, making you break, help let the world go by smoother than what it already is?
Answers
Walking or running for so long will do you x amount of good. Life being an enormous algebra equation waiting to be solved, that is the whole answer I can provide. We are but a child with dreams and an imagination that turns the blind with no hope to seers that predict millenniums. So how come, after all of these could one still ponder on life behind the lids? Dreams that seem so real and leave both of us shaking and crying want to stay. In that fake reality of which we wish we lived for eternity. The C string on the cello isn't deep enough yet but neither is the G on the Bass. It only drops so low till that high notes needs to be played and snaps back the thoughts of brightness. Water touches the wood while the right hand holds strong to the bow lightly pressing it down on the strings. Left hand vibrating at the top fooling the ear with a tune you can't simply put your figure on.
Back
On a mattress with sweat dripping of your body and into the sheets you scream. It's the place you least want to be in the moment. Images of kisses and hands caressing and lightly pulling you make it even more painful. Air can't reach your lungs faster while the hyperventilation begins and panic claws up the smile with screams being the music filling up the room. It takes a while before the calmness kicks in, by now it being too late because the first thing you want is their touch on you. You want their voices whispering sweet nothings at your ear while their arms are around you pulling you closer to their chest. Light hair tickling your face and neck with the feeling of knowing you won't feel it again pass your mind. The smell of their sweat on their skin or how their after shower smells hypnotized you into ecstasy in the morning. No more wet hair to pull on, no skin to touch when bored besides your own.
Reality
After the first seconds of sadness pass away ithits you that it's time to get out of bed and face a new day. The first thing Ido is brush my teeth then do my business but not without debating on the showerbeing cold or hot. We debate on this every morning and always go for the hotwater to calm our nerves. Droplets message our body while our mind does thechecklist of the day. Morning routine is out of the way and next will be breakfastor an early lunch depending on the time. Time ticks away even after we aredried up and dressed for the day. You haven't checked your phone yet. Thebottom of my lip bleeds while the teeth sink in deeper. Metallic coating mytaste buds calming the stress off my body before a beep signaling a callprobably from your mother is heard from the bedroom. Nutella on a warm piece pftoast not seeing as delicious like before as I usually did. I picked up thecall, it was my mother like usual, we talked for a bit before she went insideher home to do her stuff leaving me quiet and thinking. Work didn't start tilltwo and it was only twelve. I picked up my bag of the table along with my keysand decided to just walk around the mall till I needed to clock in. I didn'tturn on the radio once during the drive. Twelve thirty-five was the time ofarrival with minimum traffic on the road. People talking and walking without acare in the world passed me. Nothing caught my attention and still had plentyof time to spare. A local Starbucks inside a bookstore calling my name for a cinnamon douche latte frape drink with extra whip cream on top. It was now onethirty as I made my way to the clothing store I worked in hoping to be able to clock in earlier than usual. The manger wasn't in today so I went to the backroom and clocked in after changing into my working clothes of the day. People came and went like it was a daily thing after messing up the neatly folded clothing that was spent a couple of seconds to fold. My mask was on with abright smile even though that on the inside I just wanted to go back andsleep. I spent my time organizing everything quietly and opening the dressing room door for the costumers In need. Hours passed till the mall was ready to close down for the night and Icould finally go home. I clocked out and went to get some Chinese take out toeat at home. My phone had tones of messages and notifications but every time Iwould check one out their names came up and made me want to put my phone down again. When I opened my apartment door it was the same as the last few nights I arrived. Not a soul was there to greet me, dark and quiet.
A thump of my bag hitting the floor the only noise madebesides the clacking of shoes against the floor while turning on the TV towhatever channel was on. Not long after that with food resting on the bellybeing broken down into itty bits I found myself on my bed in nothing else but a huge shirt and underwear. I closed my eyes and waited to go somewhere new this time without memories playing over and over again
"V"
YOU ARE READING
Metanoia
Random" Is there nothing left than to walk away?" " No... there isn't anything else than this." "We can make it work just give it a chance!" There is nothing to work if with if the one walking away is dead....
