Shattered Innocence

𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚞𝚎

HE KEEPS on chasing me. Ang bigat ng bawat hakbang ko papalayo habang ang dibdib ko ay malakas ang kabog.

“Freya!”

Isa.

“Babe, please naman oh!”

Dalawa.

“Babe, kausapin mo naman ako!”

Tatlo.

I shook my head, feeling my heart. Bakit pakiramdam ko namamanhid ito? Ayokong marinig ang boses niya, ayokong maramdaman ang presensya niya. Not now, not tomorrow. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ko kakayaning harapin siya ng hindi natatakot na sumabog ang kinikimkim kong sama ng loob.

I can't…Not now, Leo. Please.

Pumikit ako ng mariin at binilisan pa ang paglalakad.

Why don't I want him to chase me? Is it because I don't want to hear any word from him? Natatakot ako. Iyon lang ang sagot na maibibigay ko sa sarili ko. I'm afraid that any words from may shattered the only foundation of my heart. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko kapag gumuho iyon.

“Babe, please!” He begged as I continued to walk away from him. I was about to be hit by a car when he grabbed me by my arm. There, I face him and I can see clearly how worried he is.

“Damn it, Frey! What the hell are you doing?” I can hear the strain in his voice, kahit pilit niyang kinakalma ang sarili. His hand gripped my arm, firm but not forceful—pero bakit ganito? Bakit kahit hindi gano'n kahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin, pakiramdam ko nabibigatan ako?

“Let go of me!” I spat, twisting to pull away. Pero he didn’t let go. His hold softened, and for a second, I could see something there in his eyes—pain, confusion—like he still couldn’t understand. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin niya gets? After everything we tried, lahat ng effort para ayusin ‘to…we still ended up here.

Pero hindi ko kasalanan ‘to. Hindi ako ang may kasalanan—siya.

“I—I don't understand.” Gumaralgal ang boses niya na parang napapagod, nakakapanghina pakinggan pero hindi ako pwedeng magpadala. I'm tired of this. I see men like him. Siya man ang unang boyfriend ko pero hindi ibig sabihin nun ay pwede na akong magpa-uto. I will never let a man manipulate me, kahit pa mahal ko siya.

Napalunok ako bago umiwas ng tingin. Alam ko kahit ipilit kong umiwas, hahabulin pa niya ako. Siguro ‘yung iba gustong habulin sila pero ngayon hindi iyon ang nararamdaman ko.

“Baby, you've been avoiding me since last week and now you're being like this. Ano bang problema natin? Please tell me. I'm dying to know—”

“Then go to hell!”

There. I couldn't help it anymore. I burst in anger and pain as tears started to flow down my cheek. I saw shock in his eyes but I will never be lured by that kind of look anymore. I made a mistake and that's believing that he is different from other guys I've met.

He's just like them, they are never content with one girl. They want everyone in their bed. That's their nature. Men are men after all, there's no exemption for that. He's not an exemption either.

“I don't understand you. Tell me, ano bang—”

“You’re a fucking cheater,” I murmured as I tried not to look messed up in his eyes. Pinalis ko ang luha sa aking pisngi habang nakatitig sa malayo. I don't want him to see how broken I am. I can live without him. I can do it. I know and I'll prove that to him.

Are you sure? A voice speaks behind and it breaks my heart but I will stand strong in front of him. I need to show him that I can live without him in my life.