From loneliness to alone

Chapter 1

Surrounded by creatures with the ability to understand each other and if they don't with the ability to explain how they feel. You begin to feel lonely when there is no one willing to try and understand you and no one willing to listen.

It hurts, but after some time your brain is going to see it as the new normal and it begins to feel numb.

Today was a day just like any other day from as far as I can remember. I had just gotten back from school. Getting to my parents house was something I dreaded. Having a brother two years older than me, wasn't helping the situation. Whenever my brother was home I needed to be as quiet as possible or be prepared for a scolding.

My brother was home, he was laying on the couch not having any interest or turning around to see who got inside his home. So I immediately and quietly go upstairs to my room. My room isn't that special, just a bed, desk, a closet for my clothes and I had some decoration I made myself. I had put my backpack down, dressed into some more comfortable clothes and silently laid in bed.

It was at those moment it is nice to just think, about everything but nothing at the same time. After some time passed, I decided to try and see if my online friend could facetime and play a game with me. But of course she was busy so I went to play by myself.

I don't know why she is always busy, we do not talk about our lives much, but I had hoped we could play games more often.

After about an hour, my parents came home. They worked the same job, at the same place, so they went and came at the same time. I am not called down when dinner is ready, but I had learned how long it would normally take for the food to be done by smell, so I continued to game.

Half an hour after they got home, I smelled something new, something we never had. That means I had to guess how long it would take for it to be done.

Their where times I went downstairs way to early and got interrogated about my day, them hoping to find the simplest thing to scold me for. Other times I would be late and obviously I would be scolded for being late to dinner. Whenever they make something new I try to be on time but a little on the later side because I had rather be late and get the scolding, because after that scolding they move to my brother.

This time again I was late for dinner, I acted how they teached me to act during those scolding and went to eat. Dinner is normally boring for me because I need to listen to my parents praising my brother while I need to be absolutely silent.

After another hour they where done with eating and talking, at least for now, so I excused myself and went upstairs again. I decided to work on my homework, not having a single message from what I would like to call friends the entire day. So I went to bed that day, again feeling lonely, with my though spiraling just that tiny bit more.

The next day, I had to go to school again. When I arrived in class, I greeted my friends, getting a simple hello back before they continued to talk to each other. I went to my seat which was next to someone I'm not really close with, but don't hate either. My friends where all sitting next to each other on the other side of the room.

The room was designed with 4 columns and rows, each column having 2 chairs in it. I had four friends so they sat together. I don't know why they decided to sit on the other side of the room, not that it matters because we don't talk in classes but still that hurts a little.

After a few more lessons, in which seating changed based on if it had assignment seating or if we could decided ourself, it was time for lunch. Most people would be waiting for lunch to come, I didn't mind it coming, but it wasn't anything special. My friends and I would sit around a table with six chairs, so I did sit with them, but just like at my parents house, I was ignored.

During lunch they would talk about the next time they were going to go to the arcade or even to the mall or anything, but it would always be on the day I would work. I work one day in the week and they decide to plan exactly on that day. It was that silent reminder every time, that I wasn't really wanted.

Not being wanted is something I have felt quiet often, because of that I also felt quite lost because I didn't know what I needed to do to be wanted. I felt lost even though I was surrounded by people I could ask for directions, but no one willing to give me any.