Vani | the Journal

02/11/2024

Today, in my bones, there is an ache of ten. The ripe bittersweet age, till where life had given me its best.

The hurtful clarity with which I remember some things like: the back of the car with my cousins, my childhood friend's Disney -themed bedroom, the corridors in school I've walked through a thousand times, the shortcut home from school, the pink headbands and hair-clips I've long outgrown, my last assignment, in packing up my life into small memories, of which I remember only half and like to remember only perhaps, quarter.

Life has been returning to me in fleeting moments that I grip tightly for fear of losing them; I returned to the kitchen floor. This is the edge of childhood, I am still begging those people I once knew but now are strangers, "please take my hand," "please don't let go."

Why did I not start telling you about my day from right where I woke up? Only because, it is seemingly insignificant to what I feel now. Waking up and falling asleep are a bore to write about unless my daily routine is altered in a way interesting enough. I may be writing all the truth I can, but I am still a dreamy and attention-seeking writer after all.

Turning back to my thoughts, I realise I am reminiscing the life I had when I was ten years old. Now I am fifteen, on the cusp of being eighteen, "an adult." The word adult, once was a piece of wonder in my mouth, my eyes used to be filled with child-like curiosity. Now the word rots in my mouth, like a sweet tart that has been left in the open for too long; no longer pretty and appetising.

"Your cousins are coming home tomorrow, around 11 a.m."

My mouther's voice cuts through my thoughts and my annoyance quickly changes to joy. My cousins, or rather sisters, were what I had called since a very young age, "my favourite people in the world."

I find myself cleaning my study desk, my frequently used furniture and anything else in the house I can call my own because I do not have my own room. Today, not much could dampen my spirits, except maybe my inner child calling out to me.

Then I sit down to study with a mixture of thoughts, "Are you seriously going to ignore every single memory you recalled and remember the photosynthesis phases instead?" as well as, "you're going to have more fun than you should tomorrow, why not sacrifice a little today?"

I prefer giving in to the side that pleases the majority, so the second option was deemed correct.

*~*

"Your rank is A.I.R. 1009."

I blink in disbelief, for two reasons. One: one of my most favourite songs ever, is literally titled 'Highway 1009' so seeing the number any place be it utterly obscure, makes me go round the bend. Secondly: the test in question to which I'd obtained the rank had been a tough one; hence acquiring that rank was a feat, to say the least.

"You've won a 70% scholarship," my dad said, his eyes crinkling to form what seemed like a smile and pushed over the laptop screen for me to see. I let my eyes take in the number again and took a deep breath in. I will be honest and honest only to you, so I'll let you know:
I gave the test on a Sunday afternoon, waking up only an hour before the said exam would start and without knowing that there would be, a test at all. Meaning: I had not studied for it at all. And it was not like the test had been easy either: it was for the eleventh grade and I was in the tenth.

Around 350,000 test takers had been there for this scholarship exam which gave admission to a coaching institute that I shall not be naming. So let's just call it, 'X' institute and go ahead. For those of you who don't know, coaching institutes, are a big deal in India. And the one who had conducted the exam I'd just given was among the top in the lists, a major player everywhere.