Re: Zero (AI Fanfic)

Chapter 2: Castration in the mansion? No thanks!

Subaru's POV:

There are few places more filled with madness than Roswaal's mansion, and trust me, I've seen my fair share of it. This time, however, things took a turn that not even my most twisted (and let's be honest, extremely overactive) imagination could have dreamed up. I mean, if there's a manual for resisting the urge to laugh until you pee, this situation was not going to let me find one anytime soon.

It all began with me, Subaru Natsuki, trying to wrap my head around why my best friend, Y/N – yes, you heard it right, Y/N – was currently being held back by Garfiel and Frederica, who were also acting as human anchors to prevent him from a rather horrifying fate for Roswaal. You see, Y/N was on a warpath with a singularr aim: he wanted to beat Roswaal like a piñata, and you guessed it, his "candy" was Roswaal's blessings in the form of his ahem family jewels.

"Stop this, Y/N! You've made your point!" I shouted, panic rising in my throat like a bad burrito. At that moment, Y/N shouted the words no one in their right mind ever wants to hear:

"No! I'll not be satisfied until I rip off his balls!"

My eyes widened as I palmed my face. "Ros-chi, if you value your life and testicles, run away now!"

Roswaal, dressed in his usual flamboyant attire, shot back with more confidence than a clown at a funeral. "You can't be serious, Subaru-kun~."

"Now is not the time to be a clown! If you don't escape, you'll end up a castrated clown!" I exclaimed, channeling my inner motivational speaker.

Right on cue, a hammer whizzed by Roswaal's head like a well-aimed meteor shower. He looked at the wall, now sporting a new hole, and then slowly turned to where the hammer came from. Y/N, with a manic glint in his piercing blue eyes, looked like he was about to announce a new reality show: "Castrate or be Castrated: The Ultimate Game Show!"

"Don't do something you'll regret," Roswaal stammered, panic creeping in.

"I'll regret a lot of things," Y/N sneered, relishing in the thrill of the hunt, "but smashing your nuts won't be one of them."

At this point, Rem gallantly stepped between them, and everyone thought she would calm the storm. But in a plot twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan proud, her arms shot out like she was presenting a brand-new airline safety feature: "Wait, Y/N-kun!" she exclaimed. Then, she handed him her morning star.

"Please, use my morning star~," she said with the kind of innocence that makes you wonder if she was raised in a village of kind-hearted medieval warriors.

"Thank you, Rem! I knew I could rely on you. Now, do you want to join my hunt for clowns?" Y/N asked, eyes gleaming with excitement.

"Of course, Y/N-kun~!" Rem responded, grabbing another morning star like they were golden tickets to a chocolate factory.

"Today's target?" Y/N leaned in, whispering dangerously, "Roswaal's nuts."

At this moment, Roswaal was sweating profusely, and my sides were splitting from laughter. The man started running faster than a rabbit that had just spotted a farmer with a steak knife.

"Come back here, you bastard!" Y/N bellowed, the thrill of the chase pumping adrenaline through him like he was auditioning for an action movie.

"You won't get away from Y/N-kun's wrath!" Rem shouted, giggling like a maniac as they began to team up like some bizarre knight and lady duo in pursuit of their nemesis.

For nearly an hour, Roswaal zigzagged through the mansion, seeking refuge like a cockroach trying to evade a slipper. I was about to suggest a new Olympics sport: "Jousting with Morning Stars," when suddenly, a morning star burst through a door, like a scene straight out of an action flick.

"Here's Johnny!" Y/N shouted in pure goofy glee as he approached the quivering Roswaal, who had retreated into a corner, jaws dropped and face a mask of sheer horror.

"Someone, help me!" Roswaal screeched in a pitch I didn't even know he had.

"Rem, prepare him for the Charpy Impact test," Y/N said with an eerie calmness that suggested he just found a new hobby.

I felt my heart drop into my stomach. I had read 'Grand Blue,' chapter 32! I knew exactly what that meant. What a terrifying motherfucker, I thought while cursing Y/N for dragging me into this disaster.

"Subaru, what is the Charpy Impact test?" Petra asked, her expressive eyes wide with curiosity.

"A big human nutcracker!" I yelled, feeling the weight of my sanity rapidly abandon ship. "My bestie wants to end his lineage! Either way, just stop this, Y/N. You've made your point very clear."

Looking rather annoyed, Y/N brushed a lock of his short black hair back.

"Tch, fine. I will stop torturing him physically," he grumbled.

"Thank you," I sighed in relief.

"Instead, I will torture him mentally," he declared, and my face abruptly switched back to a look of horror.

"Oh no," I muttered, realizing we'd just exchanged one neatly packaged round of existential dread for another.

"Rem, go and find Roswaal's diary," Y/N commanded with a sense of happy malice.

Roswaal's face could have been used as a paint palette; shades of white, green, and red swirled violently as he processed that his nut-smashing was now a secondary concern to his deepest, darkest secrets.

"Yes, Y/N-kun~!" Rem chirped, practically bouncing with glee as she sprinted off.

And there I was, standing amidst the wreckage of sanity as Roswaal's terrified eyes met mine. Once again, I found myself wondering if someday I would wake up to find Y/N had turned the mansion into a full-blown circus.

In that moment, amidst the joyful chaos of my best friend and his mini crusade against Roswaal's dignity, I realized something: life within Roswaal's mansion might just be the most hilarious roller coaster ride of my life. And God help anyone who stood in the way of Y/N and his questionable morality.

A nutty end was certainly in order.

And so, my life continues, one comedic catastrophe at a time.

Author: So, what do you think?  Comment here and have a nice day!