Poems and Other Random Things

in case this is goodbye

it's estimated that there are at least 170,000 words in the english language. one hundred and seventy thousand and yet i don't know where to start. how could i even begin on how you've made me feel in such a short amount of time and how i want to capture that feeling and keep it for as long as i can. 

when i first saw you, i could tell that you were going to make an impact on my life, i just wasn't sure when or how. but i was curious. you were like a magnet and i was drawn to you. i was too scared to reach out so i baited you into doing so. instantly, there was something. or, rather, an inkling of something. 

as i got to know you, that inkling of a something grew and became damn near impossible to ignore. there was just something about you that i was so drawn to. the temptation was immense and my curiosity has always gotten the best of me.

when everything happened, it felt so different. the moment we made physical contact, i felt it. the moment we kissed, i could only feel that. it was beautiful. it was something i'd only ever felt one other time, years ago. but this was new and better. it was you. it was us.

it's hard to put into words exactly how you made me feel. it was nothing short of exciting, exhilarating, almost dangerous. i knew then and there that you were everything i had been searching for. i liked you and even loved your flaws. you were like my missing puzzle piece. i felt complete. and though i was scared, i felt as though this was what i was meant for. 

when i nearly lost you, i couldn't even cry. i hadn't felt so empty in so long, like my heart was straight ripped out of my chest and i couldn't even react. i so badly wanted to be back with you again and i felt so hopeless and lost. 

you made me feel so loved. we worked things out and things were so so good. i don't know what love is. but i know i want to experience it with you. i want to experience everything with you. the good and the bad. let life take me wherever it may, through heaven and hell, so long as i have your hand to hold onto through it. 

i'm not good with emotions. i overreact and i feel things so deeply it tears me apart from the inside out. but i know that by being this emotional, i also feel so very deeply about you. something about you makes me understand why people sacrifice so much for love. why there's countless movies and songs about it. i don't know if i love you quite yet, i don't know what that word means, but i think if i am capable of loving properly and fully, i would love you that way, with time. 

i don't want to lose you. thinking about it rips me apart. we've been together only a short time, not even a season, but i think this is what people write about. they write about the stars in your eyes, the warmth in your touch, the comfort in your presence. they write about your laugh, your smile, your little quirks and habits that i have yet to learn but i know that i would fall in love with them if given the chance. they write about the warm feeling you give me just from looking at me, the way i fit perfectly into your arms, the way you always reassure me and make me feel like you only have eyes for me, the way you always try to take care of me, the way you insist on making sure my needs are met and that i rarely pay for you, the way you talk to me in a way that is so gentle and kind that i am able to believe that maybe not everything on this cruel earth is evil.

i know this is a lot. i cant help it. i've never felt things on a surface level. i don't want to scare you away. i know i'm intense and i'm so sorry. i just want to pour my heart out to you because it feels safe and it feels right. i miss your touch and the pressure of your kiss. it's been a while and i fear i may forget it if i don't feel it again soon. i'm sorry that i've come to you broken and i've made you feel as though it's your responsibility to put me back together. it's not your job to heal a heart you didn't break. i'm trying for you, i'm trying to contain myself, to keep my flaws from spilling out. i'm trying to fix myself because i want to be good for you. i don't want to hurt you. i don't try to. i just keep messing up and, my god, i feel so awful about it. you've only brought me joy and i only want to give that back to you.

i pray to god that we can work this out. i couldn't imagine finding someone else that could make me feel this way, i don't know if there's anyone who could. i'm sorry for not being able to commit initially, it scares me. but you don't scare me, you make me feel so safe and i should've been running towards you instead of away. i'm sorry, amore mio. i'm sorry it had to start this way. i promise if i'm given the chance, it will be better. i can't imagine finding someone else who could be so understanding and caring about my flaws. i want it to be you. please. 

if you really want to go, i won't stop you. i won't make you even more miserable. but i will think about you every day until the memories begin fading and i am finally able to hear your name without feeling a tug at my heart. i will think about you and what could've been for as long as i can, in the most selfish way possible. i look for you in everything and i look for our initials and your name and your birth month in all those stupid posts. i look for any sign the universe will give me that everything will be alright between us. and all i can do is wait and hope for the best.