I Love You, Bro

That Night

Andy looms in the doorway, his shadow enveloping his brother Nicholas on the bed.
 
“Am I disturbing you? I hope so.”
 
“…Did you need something?”
 
“The more important question is, what do you need?”
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“What’s going on with you, bro? Why do you come in here and hide almost every night when you get home? I feel like I live alone in this house. And why are you not eating?”
 
“Work’s been stressful of late, Andy. That’s all.”
 
“Your work has always been stressful. You get too involved with those kids…you take it home with you. It wears you down. I don’t think you have the temperament for it. You’re too sensitive, Nick.”
 
“Maybe. But I can’t quit now.”
 
 “…I’m gonna make supper and you’re gonna eat it. Understand?”
 
“Andy, I’m so tired…”
 
“You’re tired because you don’t eat! You look like a fucking Tim Burton character!”
 
“Thanks. That makes me feel so much better.”
 
“Okay. Okay. Easy now. I didn’t mean to offend you, bro. You just worry me is all. You’re so damn pale! Have you gotten any sun this week?”
 
“It’s November. There is no sun in Ohio in November.”
 
“Well, yeah, but…still. Look. At. You. You’re skin and bones. No muscle tone at all.”
 
“You have enough of that for both of us.”
 
“When was the last time you did a push-up?”
 
“High school.”
 
“Right. See? You gots no muscle, bro! I’m taking tomorrow off and I’m gonna make you eat a goddamn balanced meal and do some push-ups, maybe even throw you around a little in the gym!”
 
“No, you won’t.”
 
“Wanna bet? Don’t think for a minute I won’t carry your sorry ass down to the gym if need be.”
 
“Andy, that’s not your job. You’re not my guardian anymore.”
 
“You may not be a kid anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna watch you waste away. You’re still my brother, and still my responsibility. Like it or not, I ain’t gonna stop being there for you and seeing that you’re taken care of.”
 
Nick shields his face with his hands.
 
“Hey…what have you done with my little brother? Huh?” Andy sits on the bed beside Nick and gently strokes his back. “This isn’t you. You never show…defeat like this. You’re the ice princess, buddy. I’ve never known what was going on in your head, since you were little. Still water.”
 
Nick doesn’t move.
 
“Talk to me, man! I’m not gonna let you just lie around wasting away in here like some Victorian invalid who’s too weak to get out of bed! Something is really, really wrong—has been for months—and I want to know about it! I’m not gonna leave you alone till you open up!”
 
Still no response from Nick.
 
“Nicky, when was the last time you went out and had fun? To the club with friends, karaoke…shows…you love theatre. Or played music out? Even the piano here? All you do is sit at home and hibernate. Maybe write or work on your art projects. You’re super talented in all that, but you need human interaction! The last time Kent was here, you didn’t even come downstairs. He asked if you were all right.”
 
Nick turns his face away.
 
“Yep. The ice princess. You never let anyone in. Honestly, ever since Mom and Dad died I’ve felt like…you’re there, but not really there. It’s like there’s been a wall between you and me, like losing them made us—polite strangers—most of the time, instead of bringing us closer. I miss them too, Nicky. But it’s been nine years.”
 
Nick’s face crumples and he begins to sob.
 
“Hey…hey…whoa, there, bro. Hey, don’t cry. It’s all right.” When Nick sobs harder, Andy puts his arms around him and pulls him close against his chest, gently holding his head against his shoulder. “C’mon now, man, come on. Let it out. It’s alright…”
 
“Andy, I’m so sorry if I’ve made you feel that way. I’ve never tried to shut you out. I couldn’t face life without you!”
 
Andy squeezes him tightly. “Then stop trying to suffer through it on your own, man! You have me, Nicky! I’m right here! You’re my little brother and I’m never gonna let anyone else come between us! So, talk to me, alright? Let me in, you stubborn-ass punk! What’s happening to you? Where’s this coming from?”
 
“I can’t…I can’t…”
 
Andy is very worried by now. The adult Nick has always kept a good poker face, and so crying like he is denotes a serious problem. Andy gently draws back from his brother, lifts his head and puts a hand under his chin. “Hey. You can tell me, man, alright? You can tell me anything and everything. Whatever is making you this miserable…I wanna know. And I’m gonna help you through it.” Andy’s worry grows as Nick just keeps sobbing. He gently pats his brother’s hair. “Dude, I can help. I can handle it. I’ve been taking care of things since we were teens. Whatever’s going on, I just need to know about it. The not knowing is gonna make me crazy. Please, man…talk to me.”
 
Nick shudders, sniffs, and seems to struggle to get hold of himself. “Andy…please let me sleep. I’ll…I’ll talk with you later. I will. I promise.”
 
Andy’s natural protective instinct is screaming at him to make Nick talk to him now, immediately. But he can see that his brother is too emotional. He sighs and gently rubs Nick’s back. “Okay, man. Okay…you rest. But you’ve got to promise you’ll talk to me when you get up. You gotta promise to eat, too. I’m gonna go make supper. You hear me? I wanna hear you promise, Nicky. Or I’m gonna get mad.”
 
“I promise.” Nick’s voice is weak. He suddenly clasps his hand at his groin and turns the other way on the bed. He pulls his knees up in a fetal position.
 
Andy is disturbed by this. It is the movement of a young child, not his talented, even-tempered, often infuriatingly independent brother.
 
Nick turns slightly to reach out and grasp Andy’s hand. “Thank you. Thank you. I’m sorry.” He is weeping again.
 
Andy is still overcome by shock and emotion from what he has recently observed. He gently squeezes Nick’s hand. “Don’t apologize to me, baby brother. We’ll get through this thing. I swear.”
 
 
 
Andy has made dinner and now taps on Nick’s door to find him sitting on the bed, hugging his knees, facing away. He lays a comforting hand on Nick’s back, and he flinches.
 
“Hey…hey, it’s just me. It’s just your big bro, okay? Look at me, man.”
 
Nick peers up at Andy, his eyes huge in the shadows around them. “Okay. I’ll try to explain. But before I do, I want you to know I have a bag packed and I’ll get out tonight if you tell me to.”
 
“…WHAT? What are you talking about? What do you mean you’ll get out tonight? What could you ever have to say that would make me want you to leave?”
 
Nick jerks his head convulsively toward the door. “Can we go downstairs?”
 
After surveying the enormous bowls of homemade mac and cheese and the liberally topped salads on the kitchen table, Nick shakes his head slightly. “Oh, man. You so overdid. I can’t eat all that.”
 
Andy flashes a steely glare at his brother to complement the strong, one-armed hug he offers. “You will eat. Damn it. If I have to feed you like I used to when you were little.” As a child, Nick had also refused to eat a good amount of the time. Only Andy had ever had success getting him to swallow food through his patience and tricks.
 
“I need an aspirin.” Nick opens the cupboard above the sink.
 
“What for? You got a headache?”
 
“Yeah.”