M U T E

CHAPTER 17

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You'd think I'd say I'm perfectly happy with Blake right now and everything is laughs and smiles. Well you're half right. I'm happier than ever with Blake. He's sweet, kind and caring. He protects me the best he can. He helps me through bad times like any other perfect boyfriend would. I love him. I haven't told him yet though. I fell for him. And I fell for him hard. Blake is the best thing that ever happened to me next to Sean. I love him with all my heart and being. But there's a problem. I don't know if he just likes me or loves me. And another problem is my school.

I've been bullied more than ever. Teased, made fun of, beaten. Of course it was behind Blake's back because if he knew he'd be off on them. Once a kid called me a fag while Blake was there and Blake pounded his face in. When I'm alone in the halls it seems like everyone teams up and pounces on me. The threats, abuse, teasing. It's almost as bad as Jen and Todd when they did it. It gets worse the more in love I am with Blake. Every night I stay up crying because I can't bottle it up for long. Blake sleeps with me since he thinks I cry because I have nightmares. That's true too. I've been having nightmares. Of losing Blake, Sean and Spencer. Of being alone again. Of being bullied even worse. Of death. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Nobody knows about this. Just me and the people that bully me.I don't burn anymore. Some of you guys think that's a good thing. It kind of is. But I switched. I turned to cutting instead of burning. I love the way the blood flows and it has more effect. No wonder Sean cuts. It's way better than burning. Sean stopped though, which I am grateful for. He's stopped for Spencer. Since day one when they started going out. He stopped cold turkey. It wasn't much of a habit to him. He just did it. To me it's a habit. I can't stop. I can stop for a few days but I eventually do it again.
Blake is sound asleep again. It's time to go. I always do this at night. I crawled out of bed and replaced my spot with a pillow. I put some sweatpants on. I slid my hoodie and shoes on. I quietly walked out of the room and grabbed my razor. I walked out of the apartment and locked the door with the keys I had. I walked to the elevator and went down to the lobby. I waved hi to Frank who is always at the counter when I leave at night. He covers for me when Blake asks if I passed by here. He's a friend to me. I don't tell him where I go though. I just say I go out for a walk and not to tell Blake. When Blake asks me where I go at night I just say I had a bad nightmare and I needed to walk around the building a bit.
I left through the doors and walked around the building. I walked through the woods and found the tree. I climbed up and went inside the tree house. I fixed it up. It's clean and neat now. It's decorated with Christmas lights hanging everywhere. It has a small couch and I got rid of that old mini fridge and put a new one in. I turned the lights on with the light switch that took me forever to hook up. I sat on the couch relaxed. Then everything came to mind. The bullying, the teasing, the abuse. I took the razor out of my pocket. It's a wonder how I didn't get cut by it while it was in my pocket. I pulled up my sleeve and looked at the razor. I brought it to my wrist and slide it across it. One cut. I repeated the process until I had five cuts along my wrist. Tears were now streaming down my face. A sob escaped my lips as I thought of everything that's happening. I grabbed the rag I had under the couch and cleaned the wounds. I wrapped gauze around it and cleaned the razor. I sighed and laid back on the couch. I closed my eyes and tried to look for the good things in life. Sean Blake and Spencer. But all the bad things overpower that.
I stood up and looked out the balcony. It was a little cold but it was nice. I looked down and saw the beautiful animals. Deer squirrels rabbits. I looked out into the distance. I saw a lone wolf looking around. It looked up to the moon and howled. It was such a beautiful sight. Just how I feel. Alone and looking for happiness in the moon. I went back inside the tree house and laid back listening to some music. I don't know how long I was in the tree house so I decided to leave already. I turned the lights off and climbed down the tree. I hit the ground and turned around. There stood the beautiful mystic wolf looking me straight in the eyes about 10 feet away. It looked at me then howled at the moon.

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