July 17
Well, this was harder than I thought. I hate beginnings. They're always the most difficult...what do I say? No one's gonna read this anyways. I guess....I guess I'm starting to lose hope.
What the hell. This is stupid. Never mind.
But yet...I feel the need to reach out to someone. My boyfriends on a camping trip in North Carolina. My sister is, well. She's recently become...never mind that. The point is, there's no one. I guess I'm awkward? Because I have a hard time comfortably meeting people. And I guess I'm bulimic? Because I throw up after a few meals. There's a lot of guessing in my life. And obviously guessing gets you no where in life.
You see, I called this temporary because I don't low how long this parasite will last. I hate it. But at the same time, it's one of the things that's helping me with weight loss. So as weird as it sounds-I actually love it. I exercise routinely. I just don't eat correctly. So towards the end of the school year I began throwing up my food. Or just not eat lunch but that would cause a binge of food when I got home. Why is it working? Well, dad said that I had apparently lost a lot of weight a few weeks ago. He told me I looked great. I almost cried-this was the bulimia doing the work, wasn't it? This makes it even harder to get rid of. Once you have it, actually, it latches on to you. Even when you look like a normal human being. You still do it. You still look in the mirror and hate what you see. It doesn't matter how starved or skinny you are. I've been told that I should model. That I'm skinny. Do I believe that? Like hell I do. Of course I don't. I still see the fat cling on to my hips. My boyfriend says I look great. My cross country friend says I look great. Hell, my sister is even jealous of my body, and she's a gym addict. But I don't think that. I don't think it at all. My sister and a few friends are the only ones who know about this. And she says whenever I feel like throwing up, go to her room. Do you really think it's that easy???? It's not! This is the worst part of my life right now. I have just pulled out of a rough spot just to be pulled down into another one. I just wanna be known. Voices in my head tell me "Throw up." "Don't throw up." "Throw up" "Don't throw up." And they're voices of people you wouldn't believe!
When I went to get a check up from the doctor the other day, there was a teen screen evaluation. My mother wasn't allowed to see it. It was to be discussed between me and my doctor only. The survey asked about depression. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Throwing up after you eat. Suicidal thoughts. I've experienced all of these but 2. Though I only marked down 3, suicidal, depression and throwing up. I decided to take action. Tell the doc. I would have to go to my job afterwards. Another reason why I'm going through a rough patch right now. I hate lifeguarding. Especially at the pool where I work. I'm all by myself. No one to talk to. No where to go. It's bad enough. The doctor suggested a shrink.
I'm supposed to have therapy sessions after vacation, going to universal studios next week. That's why these journal entries may be temporary like the title. I would just...like a last piece of me to be remembered before I walk into one of those sessions. I wrote this because after watch Danny Gonzalez on Vine and stalking Chandler Rigg's Instagram and listening to the song "Look What You've Done" by Jet, this may all disappear. What if my life crashes before my eyes? What if the shrink talks me out of bulimia and I gain that weight back? (I've lost 4 pounds). So many questions. Little time. So much pain. I miss my boyfriend. And I just want a better body.
Love Always,
Ally.
