Letters to Little Angels

🧸 Jae

Wednesday, 6th of November, 2024

Your life may have been short, but it was rich, and you were loved.

I'm not sure what it was about you that melted away at my heart.

You were the sweetest little angel, and without meaning to, from the very first time I laid eyes on you, I think I gave you a little piece of my heart.

I met you when you were only three days old.

Sweet little baby, you had a difficult and confusing journey into life. You weren't supposed to survive, but you were strong—stronger than any of the doctors could have ever imagined you would be. You had a will to live, and you defied all odds.

You thrived~

You came into the world strong and wanting to stay, and so when you came to our NICU, there was an intense sense of hope attached to you. You had done the impossible, defied all odds, and still, you bloomed.

Your puffy eyes, chubby cheeks, dark lashes and cowlick in your hair... You loved being swaddled up tight and you loved your milk even more, and with each and every day that came by, you prospered.

But at the same time, your dear parents struggled.

Sweet Jae, I hope you do not feel saddened by their choices. It was hard for them. Harder than I think any of us could ever imagine. In just the span of a few weeks, they had gone from loving excitement for your soon-to-come birth, to grieving you before you'd even been born, and then back to trying to plan for your life as a part of your family. They were still processing and trying to come to terms with your new intellectual diagnosis, and how they could give you the life you deserve.

They visited your cot side and held your hand. They gave you cuddles and they brushed your hair...

They tried their very best, with what they had left. They only ever wanted what was best for you, because they loved you so much, and only wanted you to thrive...

But sometimes, sweet, sweet boy, we can't always give the people we love what is best for them. I think that is why they chose to sign those adoption papers. They wanted for you to be happy...

You were the sweetest little angel. You were your parents' little angel...

A boy who had been Gabrielle, but then Jae...

Sweet boy, you hold a special place in my heart, and I wonder what life would have been like, had I signed those papers too... Such a radiant smile, such an agonised cry, such cute brown hair, and such beautiful eyes... Although you could not open them at first, when you did, I fell in love. You were lonely and you only wanted to belong, and with those beautiful brown eyes, you would blink out at your NICU family and watch from your little swing, smiling as every nurse and doctor passed you by with smiles and songs.

You loved being held. I cannot count the number of hours I gave you cuddles for, sitting at your desk while I worked. You were just such a curious, happy baby, despite all you had been though, and soon, all the nurses would take turns holding you, swaying, singing songs and reading you stories. You became the little angel of our unit.

I will never forget the cot card I made for you. It was one of the first I'd ever made, and I spent so long trying to make it perfect for you. I wanted it to match your blanket... Blue, with the kind of bear your parents had bought for you...

I started a diary for you too, so you could keep all the memories from along your NICU journey. Your first ECG leads, your first blood pressure cuff... Photographs of you and your beautiful smiling eyes and cute-as-mittens smile that we all fell for. So many of your nurses spent so much careful time perfecting each and every page for you, so that you may one day look back through them and see how strong of an angel you really are.

No matter who you would have called your parents, I bet you were happy when your mom and dad decided to take you home~

I didn't get to see you discharge, but I like to imagine it was a happy time. For you, your big sister, and both of your beautiful parents...

I heard last night that you passed away in your sleep a couple weeks ago...

Sweet boy, I hope your three weeks at home were filled with nothing but smiles, happiness, and love~ You will forever live on in the hearts of your parents, big sister, and our NICU family, and I hope you look over your mom and dad and give them your strength when the hurt becomes too much.

Sweet Jae, you were so strong, right through to the end~

Little baby Gabrielle...

It really was a name fit for an Angel ♡

~~~