Bad Seed - Short Story

Truth be told

I sit at the roundtable for probably the millionth time. Each week, each month, each year. I sit here, doing my job... living a lie.

I look at the case file, mass suicide. It sounds so familiar. I had promised myself to never think about what happened ever again.

The words echo through my head 'Cecilia was the first one to go...', this damn documentary that was made on the tragic events of the suicides of my sisters.

Everyday a lingering feeling of failure haunts me. I should've died that night, is all I can think about.

Choosing the oven as my way to go was foolish, it took to long. My sisters were smarter - or maybe, more dedicated.

I never wanted to die, I felt pressured and now I feel guilty.

"JJ?" I hear Hotch's familiar voice, pulling me out of my thoughts. I look up at him, giving him a small smile.

"Sorry, I... was distracted" I admit, standing up, as he places a hand on my shoulder.

"There is no shame in taking a break. Just say the word."

I nod, knowing that he is referring to Roslyn.
I pause, shaking my head, placing my hand on top of his. "I'm fine, Aaron."

I see his reluctant nod, choosing to ignore it.
Grabbing my go-bag, I head towards the jet. Sitting down at one of the tables.

Emily takes a seat across from me. Things have been strange between us. We used to be so close, but now? We seem to be growing more distant by the day.

But right now, I know that we're in this together. She is wearing a reassuring smile, gently squeezing my hand.

Hotch. He must've told her to check up on me. I smile back, before I lean back in my seat, looking out the window, as we take of.

I wasn't ready to see my original hometown. Nobody could know, but it was so risky. I look the same way I did when I was 16. People will recognise me. And deep down, I fear that that will be my downfall.

Four sisters and one cousin lost to suicide, I must be a bad seed.

I feel the burden of all the lives lost on my shoulders. Not a day passes without me thinking about ending it.

I see them in everyone, wondering what they would be doing now, if they were still here.

Every once in a while I stop to think, what caused us to want to take our lives back then. Specifically, what caused Cecilia to be the first...

"JJ?" I hear Emily's soft voice, being torn away from my thoughts once more.

I look at her, apologetically.

The case flies by like a leaf in the wind. Before I can totally process it, I'm back home, unlocking the front door.

Walking in, I'm greeted by my husband and kids, tightly hugging them, leaving the horrors of the past week behind me. Glad that no one noticed anything.

I kiss my boys on the head. "Hey, guys. Isn't it past your bedtime?" I speak lovingly.

"Mommy, we were waiting for you!" Michael speaks quickly.

"Yeah, and Dad was telling us stories. He promised we could wait up for you" Henry mumbles, tugging at my shirt.

I take in the moment, nodding finally. "How sweet of you three. Come on, let's get you two boys to bed."

I smile, chasing them upstairs. I tuck them in, giving each a kiss on the forehead, switch off the lights and gently closing the door.

Downstairs, I am greeted by Will, looking at me with his usual smile. I walk up to hug him tightly, the weight of the world leaving me for a moment.

"Talk to me, J." He murmurs into my ear, making me freeze. I hate how easily he can read me.

A sigh escapes me and I lead him to the couch.

"This is about Roslyn, isn't it?" He asks, to which I respond with a small nod. Unsure if I should reveal the truth to him, once and for all. Finally be free of this lie that I am living.

I am not Jennifer Jareau, I've never been. I am Mary Lisbon.

I look at him, a tear rolling down my cheek, my well-built fasad starting to crumble under his gaze.

Nervously, I reach for his hand. Toying with his ring.

"Talk to me." He repeats, more softly this time.

I nod, biting my lip. I just couldn't get these damn words to leave my mouth. My very being holding me back from revealing this secret, I've buried many years ago.

I nod again, this time more as a reassurance to myself than anything else.

I take a deep breath, opening my mouth...

"I'm pregnant," I say, before I continue "it's only 9 weeks, so I shouldn't be telling this, but..." pause "but I'm so excited, I just had to tell you".

He looks shocked "your... what?". It starts to dawn on him, his smile growing. "Oh my gosh, J. This is really happening!".

I smile, nodding. I pull him into a tight hug.
"I love you, Will." I murmur, my head resting on his shoulder.

I can her the smile in his voice,"I love you too, darling.".

I rest in my current position, allowing myself to relax.

I shouldn't have told him this, it's too early. The words just slipped out.

Will has always been so good to me, better than I could ever begin deserve. I feel blessed to have him by my side.

I feel protected by his presence. Feeling like I can lay myself bare to him.

I figure, after having told him about my pregnancy, I could also just tell him the whole truth. Finally wanting to be freed from my sins. Though it might be foolish.

"Will... I. Need to tell you something..." I say nervously.

He immediately looks concerned, taking my hand and removing me from his shoulder, to take a look at me.

I hesitate once again, my thoughts racing.

I am her, she is me. I never would've thought that these words would ever leave my mouth again: "I am... Mary Lisbon".

He looks completely confused. "What? What are you talking about, darling?" He eyes me, probably thinking that I've gone mad.

I bite my lip. "Jennifer Jareau is not my real name. I was lucky that my aunt and uncle agreed on taking me in... after my four sisters committed suicide".

He looks even more puzzled, "Honey, this... I... what is going on?".

I nod, reassuring myself, before I continue, "Cecilia was the first to go..." I sigh, "The four of us left on this world followed her a year later." A tear spills from my eyes, which Will wipes away, caressing my cheek.

He lets my words sink in, "the four of you? But... you're still here.". It dawns on him, "oh god, darling... please don't tell me... you..".

I cut him off with a small nod. "I tried and I failed. I was shipped off to my aunt and uncle. Then a few years later, Roslyn followed into my sisters' footsteps.".

This is the moment I break down. I sob quietly, as he pulls me into a warm embrace, rubbing my back gently.

After a few moments, I look up at him desperately, "Will, do you think that maybe I'm... a bad seed?".