Mialotte and TNN One Shots

Surrender

A/N: while I'm struggling a little bit with getting out the next chapter of Intertwined, I did have some bits a pieces of writing lying around that will still help me keep writing. Because I truly love it and community and friends I have on here.

Thank you to Miasdarling29 for the song inspiration for this chapter and for the gorgeous cover art. Also to an804u for reminding me that there are a variety of ways to start writing when we feel stuck.

Have you ever had that feeling as though your insides were being pulled apart? I don't mean like when you have appendicitis, or are in labour about to push out a baby, or some kind of painful injury. I mean in the slow, dull aching way of something kneading at your chest, your heart, your stomach. Kneading at your insides like a torturous massage trying to push things apart. You feel like you can't stop it and it keeps on destructively pushing and pulling your being to pieces.

It causes your limbs to feel heavy and nausea to make waves over you. Everything feels caught in this hot part of your throat. You lose your appetite and you're tired but sleeping escapes you.

I want to scream. I want someone to hear how lonely, sad and pulled apart I am feeling. I want someone to know how desperately I just need to be held and feel safe.

I tried talking. I did. I guess, but all the words got stuck and held up by the expectations I heard others carelessly toss my way.

I tried to open up, I wanted to say 'we're separated and I'm struggling with the fact I ended my marriage', but I kept hearing people remind me how I was 'happily married'.

It stung that for so long my struggles went unnoticed. It stung that people I noticed go through struggles and helped, couldn't see me when I needed them too.

I know I didn't exactly open up, but don't you ever just notice people changing? I did. I noticed when Carly was going through her episodes of ED, I noticed when Marjorie was feeling low after a string of bad dates and knew how to help, I noticed Autumn and Winter were falling for each other, I noticed when Sorscha was struggling through infertility. Maybe I'm just not very noticeable?

The only thing everyone seemed to notice was me trying to hold it together, but they thought I was being mean, unreasonable, or as Marjorie said, Mia 2.0.

That hurt. Not because I thought there was anything wrong with Mia, I mean she has things she needs to work on, but it hurt because Mia saw me.

Mia saw what I was going through. She noticed my sadness, my inability to fake strength and happiness, when I was having a bad day. She knew. 'I'm here if you need to talk Charlotte'.

Her voice echoing in my mind. All the things she said.

'Sweetheart,' her husky voice clear in my mind as I read the note on the black roses. The feeling of her hand on mine as she explained how Roger had used her before she left. The look of her caring smile and the cheeky sparkle she flashed my way when I stumbled on my words. Yes I was attracted to her. But I didn't know what that meant, if anything. She wasn't here. I couldn't ask her or speak to her. I could only imagine something which would probably never be true.

That hurt more.

But I couldn't help but picture her in front of me, smiling in that gentle way she did, for me. It made my heart beat a little faster and then the reality of her absence hit again and I thought my heart had stopped. Taking a deep breath, was necessary to push the thoughts away, but difficult.

Now as I ran back to my car from Reece's nursery the possibilities of anything I imagined from seeing Mia again, were a universe apart from the reality.