Twenty-Five Going Forty

Monday || November 11, 2024

I was pretty sure I really liked him, Allie. But with how the conversations went last week, I do not know now.

There were things he mentioned that left me bothered. Most of it confuses me. I genuinely wanted to work it out and do activities couples do with him. I do not know if it was because the approach this time was foreign to me but my gut was telling me I was gonna be put to something I am not comfortable with.

I cannot but think of how Shawn and I started. We were talking about wholesome stuff. We talked about us– we were trying to know each other, genuinely. We started off like two little high school kids in love. I would wait for him at the cafeteria while he finishes work and we would talk a lot even when I have only little hours left for myself because I wanted to be with him and I did not want it to end. One time when we got out of the elevator and no one was around I asked him to close his eyes and I kissed him on his lips. It was just a smack though. But he had the most beautiful smile when he opened his eyes after he realized what I did while I walked fast due to the embarrassment.

What we had was genuine. But I lost it all and I failed to protect him. Losing Shawn felt like I was Frieren perpetuating the remainder of her very long life with regret that she and Hammel didn't happen. My Hammel is alive but we no longer see or talk each other. Thinking about it now, I think I might spend the rest of my life missing Shawn. I had no clue you could actually love someone past the relationship.

Shawn became a standard. So it's not hard for me now should Allie and I stopped talking. Maybe I have rushed things again. I almost reduced myself just to please him. But I cannot allow myself to go low again. Maybe I should have left it when Allie was liking my stories on IG and did not push the conversation further when he replied to my story. Maybe I should just have left it at him just wondering what I was like than opening up to him.

It would be a little awkward at work but I'll manage. I'll just remind myself of what I saw on his computer. On Thursday, we had ice cream. We strolled around IT Park and talked a little. That itself was cute. When we came back to the office he sent me a screenshot from a tool on his computer. It said, "Good night, Glenny!" Previously, it was "Good night, Allie!" But on Friday when I came to his workstation it changed to "Good afternoon, Zir!" Classic. LOL. But he shrugged it off saying it was a misspelling for Sir.

I may be an idiot for love but I certainly am not stupid not to understand what was going on. I will try to look up who Zir is on Zoho but if I cannot see anyone on that name I would assume it is Brian, the person he told me someone from work who DMs him on IG.

Do I really need to? Yes. I am bad at letting go so I will confirm this and never respond to him again.

I would have really wanted for it to work for us. But I don't really see it now on the foreseeable future.