Barely Breathing

Chapter 3: Why

Emma's POV:
A million thoughts raced through my already cloudy mind as I looked at his smiling face. The way his blue button up brought out his piercing eyes. Why would he come back now of all times? Granted, he didn't know I was the one competing for the same job he was. I looked into his eyes and I knew it was a mistake. My heart melted just like it always did back then. All the world faded and he was the only thing I saw. That's when I realized we were now standing one foot apart.
"Hey," my voice came out as a breathy whisper.
"Hey," his voice was just as silky as I remembered. Before I could open my mouth again a gruff voice called his name.
"Mr. Jones?" it said, but he clearly wasn't listening, as usual.
"Well, bye Killian," I said and turned to walk as quickly as I could out the office doors and to my yellow bug.
My hands shook as I tried to put the key into the ignition but I kept missing the key slot. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes trying to remember the life I had now. My boyfriend, Graham, who doesn't have the same health problem and is perfectly normal, my brother August and his husband Jefferson, my mom and dad, my best friends. I have a fine and normal enough life, I'm finally happy after Killian.
Finally I get the car to start and I pull away from the building that currently holds the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me. The music player turned on to a Taylor Swift song thankfully. She always soothes me in moments like this when I find it hard to breathe because of something other than my illness. The song was Bad Blood coincidentally and I let myself fall into the music.
- Did you have to do this, I was thinking that you could be trusted
Did you have to ruin what was shining now it's all rusted -
I got to my shared home three songs later. I didn't see Mulan's, Aurora's, or Ruby's car in the driveway or garage. I was alone, and for once I didn't want to be. Abandoning my resume portfolio, I grabbed my oxygen tank and ran to the locked front door. My shaking hand unlocked it pushed it open. Running to my individual room, tears prickled behind my eyes and I finally let them tumble down, taking my mascara with them. I let them fall with memories of how happy Killian and I were two years ago; memories of how it all fell apart when he told me; memories of how broken I was after we were over, both mentally and physically; memories of Aurora, Mulan and Ruby picking up the pieces of my heart and sewing them back together. I cried because how could he show up now when I was finally happy again. I know it's not his fault we were trying for the same publishing company but it's easier to place the blame on someone, on him.
I heard the front door open. Mulan must be on break. I looked at the time, 11:34, I'd been crying for hours.
"Emma?" Mulan's soft voice echoed through the half empty house. Quickly I wiped the running mascara off of my tear-stained cheeks and walked out of my room.
"Hi Mulan, break time already?" I said in the most stable voice I could muster. I could see though that Mulan wasn't buying it.
"Alright. What's up?" she asked knowingly.
"Nothing. I swear."
"Really? Your eyes are puffy, your cheeks are red and your nose is obviously plugged. Now, tell me what's going on. Is it Graham? Do I need to kick his ass? I have helpers at the ready," Mulan said, referring to her martial arts classes.
"No, no. Graham and I are fine, great actually. Plus, I don't know how a bunch of 11-year-olds would do against a cross-fitter who's also on the police force," I remarked.
"Okay... Then what is wrong?"
"I saw Killian today. At my publisher interview," the words escaped my mouth quietly, awaiting her reaction.
"You saw Killian?"
"Yeah and I basically ran the out the door as soon as I did," I continued. "I don't even know why I'm reacting this way, I like Graham a lot and things are going so well then he shows up and screws with my head like always."
"Oh, Emma. I'm so sorry," Mulan pulled me in, squeezing me tightly as I let the tears fall again. "I think it's time for Operation Raccoon." I nodded, smiling slightly at my best friend. She always knew what to say and when to say it.

~***~

After setting me up in our shared bedroom with Rocky Road ice cream and a Psych marathon on netflix, I finally convinced Mulan I was more than fine and she should go back to work. My afternoon consisted of witty remarks, snarky comments and completely unorthodox ways of solving cases. I fell asleep after about five randomly selected episodes of Psych.

I was at a drive-in and there was a movie playing but only one car in the sandy lot. I recognized his rusting pick up in a heartbeat.  The scene was seemingly harmless, that is until I saw what was playing on the screen. It was us, Killian and I, walking along the beach at sunset. I remembered that day, it was the first time we said I love you but something was off. For one; Killian, the one in the lot, was laughing at the image as if it were a sitcom, and two; instead of saying I love you back, the Killian on the screen reached into my chest and ripped out my heart, leaving me clutching my chest and gasping for air. Then he did the unimaginable. He crushed it, letting it crumble to dust blend with the sand on the beach. I stood there and watched myself slowly hit the ground, eyes slammed shut. Then Killian was next to me in the lot.
"Now it's your turn."

Thats when I woke up.
"Oh, Emma, you're awake," Aurora was standing at my bedroom door. "Mulan told me about your interview run in with Killian, I thought I'd check on you. You OK?"
"What? Oh yeah I'm fine. Just, tired of living in the past I guess," I replied as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
"Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about," I looked at her quizzically but she quickly averted her gaze to the floor and said, "Well, anyway, I was gonna order takeout. Do you want the usual?" When I nodded she abruptly left leaving me wondering what was up with her.

~***~

When Ruby arrived home, the three of us gathered in the TV room for Pretty Little Liars. Emily had just told her dad she was gay when Mulan burst through the door, her skin and hair doused with sweat.
"Hey guys," she greeted us with a short wave before our Pansexual friend headed to the bathroom for her nightly shower. Aurora lasted another four scenes of Pretty Little Liars before claiming she felt sick and fleeing to her and Ruby's bedroom.
"Well that was strange," I stated. "I know Mulan is dealing with her breakup with Shang but what's up with Aurora?"
"I don't know, but I'm sure she'll tell us when she's ready," Ruby said. I was less than convinced but I decided to drop it for the night.

When I entered my room that night, Mulan was asleep so I took the chance to go on my phone. Sure enough there were multiple texts from Killian.
Hey you probably deleted my contact but this is Killian
Of course I hadn't deleted him from my phone though so it hurt that much more.
It was really good to see you today.
Another pang in my chest.
I'm sorry about how things ended between us. I regret what I did everyday.
My heart wrenched when I read his last text to me:
Can we talk please? Our place tomorrow at sunset?
Of course he wanted to talk. Of course he wanted to meet at our place. How could I expect anything less? He's Killian. He's mine. Was, I corrected myself. Was mine. I bit my lip as I responded
I don't know Killian. That's dangerous for us both.
I got a reply not even a minute after I sent it.
Swan, Please.
Swan. Why did he say that?
Okay. Tomorrow.
See you then, goodnight love.

Oh, shit. I'm screwed.