Alley Rose | Billie Eilish

panic attack

madeline's pov: 

    this can't be happening. there's no way that's billie. i slowly look up, meeting her eyes.

    those eyes.

    i stood there, as if i were frozen for a moment. everything around me went silent. everything stopped moving. as if nothing else were to exist.
the breath got caught in my chest, not being able to force itself out. those icy blue eyes, the ones i could get lost in forever. the eyes that had once held all the warmth now seemed now dull, as if they were colder or more distant. there was a small flicker, a ghost of something familiar being resurrected.

    i couldn't seem to look away, despite finally feeling my breaths come out in short, desperate breaths.

    the love i had once fought so hard to bury was slowly crawling up my spine. the weight of the endless nights between us, kissing, cuddling, and just soaking in each other presence leaving a burning image in my mind. all the memories flooding at once, overwhelming my senses.

    i quickly break eye contact, eyes darting around the room.

    everything around her went from being completely still and silent to moving around erratically and thumping loudly.

   everything in my body started to speed up. i could feel my chest heaving up and down, eyebrows furrowing. my heart felt like with every beat it was bulging out of my chest.

   my fingers start to tingle, air becoming too thick to inhale. i can feel my legs become weak, knees buckling. things start to blur in waves slightly as i push my way past quen, larry, and billie, walking quickly straight to the bathroom, desperate to get away from everything.

billie's pov:

    i watch as she pushes past us, shaking slightly, breathing heavily. i can recognize this in anyone. she's having a panic attack.

    i want so desperately to run to her and calm her. but i can't. it will only make it worse.

    my eyes quickly dart around the room, looking for anyone that i know will be able to help her.

    "billie, what did you do this time? what's wrong with madeline?" i feel a nudge on the shoulder. i turn towards the nudge, meeting the eyes of her costar, madison bailey.

   "madison, i think she's having a panic attack. please go help her. i can't, she'll only freak out more." i explain quickly, rushing my words. i grab her wrist and lead her to the bathroom that madeline just ran away to.

    i can't watch her suffer like this. especially knowing im the cause of her panic attack. i used to always help her with her panic attacks, letting her cry into my shoulder until she's too tired to cry anymore.

    these panic attacks are often caused by things that trigger memories of her parents, specifically her dad. the only other person that i know could really snap her out of a panic attack like i could was her brother, conan. but he's not here right now so i'm really hoping madison is able to help her.

   i watch as madison opens the door. i place my ear up to the door, desperate to know whether or not madison is helping. as i hear madeline's sobs and erratic breaths, my face scrunches, tears welling up in my eyes. i hate that she feels this way because of me.

   "hey, hey. i'm right here, just breathe. i'm right here. listen to my voice." i hear madison say softly. "breathe with me, come on."

    i listen as madison takes deep breathes with her, grateful that it's starting to work. part of me wishes it could be me comforting her, but it wouldn't help.

    "that's it, yeah, just like that." madison says softly, helping madeline breathe properly again.

    seeing her again stirred up so many emotions that i had fought to forget. i had just felt myself slowly starting to not get super upset anytime i thought about her. it has been eating my alive being away from her.

    but there's no way she feels the same. we ended our relationship because of my jealousy. because i couldn't trust her around other people all the time. we ended our relationship angry at each other, arguing and spitting our filthy, dishonest words at each other.

    her exact word were, 'i don't know when it started, but somewhere along the way, we lost something. i can't keep walking on eggshells around you because you think im hiding something. i don't know how to make you see that i love you without having to prove it every single day. i'm exhausted, billie, i can't keep doing this.'

    and those words really broke me. they make me finally realize how i let everyone of my past relationships of which i've been used, lied to, and manipulated, really affect our relationship.

    but i let her go because i figured she deserved someone who could love her and trust her without having doubts fill their every damn second of the day.

    but it kills me seeing her with anyone else. it feels like every time i see her smiling or laughing with someone else, im slowly getting a layer of skin ripped off of my body.

    i coped with self-harm. but not cutting, or burning, or even drugs. i would go to the gym and hit punching bags with my bare fists until my knuckles were bruised beyond their own color.

    as crazy as it may sound.

    but there's no way she could every want me back. no way in hell. not after the way i treated her.

    right?