Love can be self harm

Have you ever loved someone so much you put yourself in a bad place, anything you do you try and try and try giving your everything and all. Being happy and yourself after being in such a pit for years. Just trying to fill a hole you ever so longed for. Wishing you had a father who stopped drinking, wishing he had acted on all those empty promises.
Or a mother who wasn't narcissistic, someone who would validate you and not make everyone seem crazy until the point they want to kill themself.
Imagine a world where it's perfect
One day a boy comes along, with all these promises of unconditional love, showing joy and happiness as if you were his light.
Until you trust him one day, let him have everything and you believe his words.
Only for him to be worse than your mother and your father combined.
after making you so happy, like a little girl again except in a world that's perfect where the words matched the actions. Only for him to break all of his promises and remove his love, ending in arguments, cutting of skin, countless tears, the spark in your eye just wiped out.

You just want love.
Someone to love and understand you, you feel empty and worthless but cling to the memories of the start when everything was perfect but one little mistake and he acts like he hates you.
That's not love is it? You know it's not, I know it's not. But you continue to stay.
You continue to fill yourself with boys trying to feel love and find a true connection but all you need is yourself and to love yourself.

You dont know yourself, you hurt yourself so much to the point you don't even recognize yourself.
"Who am I?"
You countlessly ask yourself this.
Regret filling your heart wishing you could just restart.
Why did I mess around so much?
I disobeyed all my boundaries trying to be someone I am not
A freak?
I doubt it, I just want love.
Someone who will kiss me on my forehead and tell me how pretty I am.
Makeup or not.
Bloated or not.
Eating or not.
Someone who loves me inside and out.
Someone who values me, buying me flowers to show you love me, after all I am a lady?
Or am I just a replacement for the girl who you longed for not long ago?
Your ex maybe? A past love?
Who even am I to you?
You showed me to your mom, your family maybe
You invite me over but for what?
Don't you wanna come see me?
I love you and I cling to the fact that I know he can, because if I can why can't he?
I try so hard but end up staying just in hopes of a future.
Maybe he will love me again, I lie to myself.
Maybe if I am a bit skinnier, or prettier he will love me and show it not just act as he cares one minute and then act as if I hurt him.
I try so hard and give everything up and because of that I have no more value.
To many guys have stories or fake stories just because I am quote on quote "pretty"
They all wanna mess with me, but do they actually wanna have something with me?

Maybe its the fact I am blonde, or have big boobs. Can someone just want me for my personality and not just the fact that appearance wise I am considered a dream girl?
My sport doesn't help, Making me show up in booty shorts and a slutty uniform.
Everyone thinks I am a whore.
The tape of a guy violating me going around so, now I am a slut bag when people don't know the tears and fighting I did saying no.
How could anyone ever know? I protect him trying to show my love for my rapist even though clearly he doesnt show love for me.
He even causes problems years after with my current boyfriend who just harms me.
Making me cut myself and feel unworthy of life, showing how much he loved his ex and she was the first love but me?
I guess I am just another replacement.

Again and again I just prove love is truly self harm.