You grow up learning that everybody dies. Maybe you had the book, too. You lose your great-grandparents, then your grandparents start to lose their friends, then you lose your grandparents, and then your parents. But you have plenty of time to prepare. You are taught to expect everyone to die of old age, like cancer doesn't exist, or accidents, or diseases. Life is what kills you.
I still don't understand death and I don't think I ever will.
You never had to think about death until the fifth grade. Your grandpa was getting sick and you knew he wasn't going to get better. Your mom spent all her time trying to save him. He was 63. She was 42. Then, you have to think about how "he was so young," and "she is so young," and that will be you before you know it. Now you are having a restless night because you are sad that your grandpa is dying, but you're going on vacation tomorrow. 10-year-olds don't know where to put their priorities. You get woken up by your dad and have to meet him and your little brother in the living room for "news." You knew exactly what it was going to be.
"Grandpa died."
"So does that mean we're not going on vacation anymore?"
Now you live with that guilt for the rest of your life. Yes, you were 10 years old, but did that really have to come out? And are you really still thinking about that 10 years later? Yes.
You went on that vacation anyway and had a great time and you almost forgot your grandpa died. When you come back from your vacation, you go to your first-ever funeral. You see your first ever dead body.
Fast forward one year and your last two remaining grandparents die and you go to their funerals but don't know how to be sad. Do 11-year-olds even have emotions?
Now you're in middle school trying to figure out who you are. You're surrounded by people you did not grow up with and you see everyone around you making friends so easily. But your heart beats out of your chest when someone even looks in your direction. Your only friends are the ones you went to elementary with because you can't make new friends.
You get closer to your friend and you hang out all the time. You have so much in common and your family loves her and her family loves you. Did you ever think about death when you were with her? No, of course not. Did you realize that the amount of days you had with her was limited? How would you know that?
You and your best friend go to a weekend camp together. She brings her mom and you bring yours. You have an amazing weekend. That weekend was also her birthday. Her 12th birthday. Did you know that that was going to be her last birthday? No, you didn't. Why would you think about your 12-year-old best friend dying? That's kind of weird...
Do you remember how 7th grade was the year of drama? You just couldn't get enough arguments in. There wasn't even enough time for all the arguments you had planned. Do you know who was easy to argue with? Your best friend. But why pick her? Isn't she your best friend? Why are you arguing with her? Where are you arguing with anyone? You're not a very good friend.
It's summertime and you want to have a sleepover with your best friend. She spends the night at your house and you have a great time as always. But then when you wake up you just get mad at her. She gets picked up and you don't really know what to do with your feelings, so you leave them alone. Like you usually do. You don't talk to your best friend for a while. A month goes by and this time, she wants to argue. You haven't talked to each other in a month, but an argument is due, right? Is that even healthy? Why do you need to argue so much?
Your argument goes so bad that both of your moms find out. You have to block each other on everything you can think of. The only way you could talk to each other is through your moms's phones. So you guys just decide not to talk.
Now 8th grade is starting. You are really hoping you don't have any classes with her because you just can't bear seeing her. Was the argument even really that bad? What even was the point of it? You do have one class with each other though. But there was an unspoken agreement that you two would sit on opposite sides of the room.
A week of school goes by and the two of you did not talk at all. Maybe you should go to her locker and say something. That would be the mature thing to do. Even though you are mad at her (for what again?), you still miss your best friend. Go talk to her. You go to her locker at the end of the day and see her talking to someone else. You give up. Seriously? She would've stopped everything for you.
She sees you and smile.
You don't smile back.
You go home and forget about everything and enjoy your weekend.
Sunday night you hear your mom on the phone telling someone to stay off social media. What is that about? You go downstairs just as she's hanging up the phone. One of your friends called your mom. You ask your mom what that was about and she asks you for your phone. Obviously, you think you're in trouble. That makes sense, right? A friend of yours calls your mom and now she needs your phone. You give her your phone because there's no way out of that. She goes right to Snapchat. You haven't been on your phone and you see missed calls and text messages from the friend your mom just got off the phone with. What is going on? Your mom starts looking at stories.
"R.I.P."
"Get better girl. We love you."
"Keep her in your thoughts and prayers."
What?
Who?
Oh, my God.
No.
You find out that your best friend got into an accident.
You don't care. You aren't friends anymore. She picked someone else over you. She wouldn't talk to you at all this week. Whatever.
You go to school on September 10th like it's a normal day. But it's not. Everyone is sad. Everyone is asking everyone questions about her. Nobody knows any real answers.
The rest of the day goes by and you're on the bus with your friend.
You were allowed to get Facebook on your 13th birthday, which was 6 months prior to this day. You never really used it because "it's for old people." But for some reason, you decided to open it on the bus.
She broke her wrist.
She hit her head.
She's brain-dead.
She's on life support.
They pulled the plug.
Her organs are being donated.
She's dead.
The exact words that come out of your mouth are, "I. Feel. Bad."
Are you serious? You feel bad? Feel bad for who? What does that even mean? Can you believe you just said that? Because I can't. Can I ask why you said that? I will ask you every day of your life. Why did you say that? Do you feel guilty for saying that? You feel bad. Do you feel bad? Do you feel sorry? Who do you feel sorry for? Why are you not crying? Right. You're on the bus. Your best friend just died and you say you feel bad. No tears. No remorse. No feelings. Absolutely nothing.
You get off at your stop and see that the garage is open. When you look inside, you see your dad standing there. Why is he standing there? Your friend breaks down into tears and hugs your dad. That's embarrassing. You watch her cry. While you watch her, your dad looks at you. When you make eye contact with him, a wave washes over you. What is it? It's hurting you? Stop being dramatic. Nothing is hurting you. Your legs are getting weak? Suck it up. Your ears are ringing? You can't breathe? Your vision is blurry? Maybe you should go see a doctor. I don't know.
Your best friend is dead. Your 12-year-old best friend is dead. The last words you said to her were in arguments. She thinks you're mad at her. No. She can't think that anymore. She died thinking you were mad at her. You didn't even smile back. Why didn't you go talk to her? You are so stupid.
She died thinking you were mad at her.
You have to navigate feelings you've never felt before. You are 13 years old and your best friend just died at the age of 12. How do you even grieve that? By saying you feel bad? You are definitely going to think about that for the rest of your life.
You're an awful person, you know that, right?
