random thoughts

-Reflection-

⚠️WARNING⚠️
Might contain schizophrenia
Past trauma
Real life (I suppose)
Mention of self-harm (?) 😵
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I ran towards the bathroom after a fight with my parents, they always occur on Sundays, I wish I can go to school even on Sundays so I don't have to deal with these "family dramas". As I laid down, tears start rolling on my face, I can't stop crying. I tried to stay strong, but no one ever holds my hand, telling me everything would be alright. As I laid beside the door by my back, negative thoughts kept on swirling, consuming my emptiness

"Lazy, weird, disappointment" are the only words I can hear in the back of my mind, although I have such high self-esteem, I hate myself. I hate everything about me, why I can't move on someone I haven't even met? Why am I never enough for my friends even though I'm so much better than the friends they hang out with? Why can't I be normal, that one son that my parents deserve, not the burning out guy who keeps on picking fight with them.
As my bland face keeps on staring, I didn't realize I have this PowerPoint assignment I need to finish. So I get up to wash off my face by the sink, I look at the mirror : my reflection has this pink haired dude, glasses, and pure emptiness staring into my soul. 
Why am I not surprised? I don't even look like him, and it's my first time seeing him even.
He reaches out to grab me by my collar then pulls me inside of the mirror, the darkness consuming my surroundings, but his figure...I can see him clearly, he isn't affected by the darkness, or maybe because he's the protagonist in here?
I tried to avoid eye contact with him, but for some reason, I can't keep my eyes off his. He has such beautiful brown eyes, with a pink side part, no,his whole hair is pink, except for the lower part, which has mixed of black, my natural hair color. I start to examine his appearance, he looks almost like me, but older. That dude wears a white hoodie, but the sleeves are pulled up, I can see some of the old cuts on his arms, they make a huge difference on the skin. A basic baggy black pants, somehow it reflects the darkness consuming us. He is just standing still, looking enourmous, and frightening. But why am I not scared? He looks..heartbroken, yet empty at the same time. I can't describe his exact feelings, but definitely ain't something good. 

"You're weak, stop crying." He finally spoke up, as I also look up to him, right in the eyes

"Who are you?" I reply, the tears stopped, replaced with my confusing look.

He kept his still face, repeating the same sentence

"You're weak, stop crying"

But this time, I recognize his changes in face movement, he went from emptiness to...disappointed? I can't tell, it's more of an upset or depressing look. I can see the tears forming in the corner of his own eyes. Was he holding back his emotions? This mysterious guy, or I'll say "myself", he was exhausted. I can feel and see that, proven through his whole face, it was turning red, even tears start falling down his emotionless, now tired face.
I, finally make a movement towards the pink haired guy, who is now holding his face in his hands. As I touch his shoulders, he flinched back. 

"Don't.." He says, looking desperately for a hug, even when he just resisted it.

I just do nothing, but stands still, yet I decided to speak

"I know who you are, it's okay" I spoke, being as gentle as possible. I hear my soft voice echoing through the whole room, even when I just speak loud enough for that guy to hear.

He bit his bottom lip, not daring to say another word. That's when I approached closer to him, giving out a hug. As I watch him crying harder on my shoulders, burying his whole face into my shoulders, even when he's taller, it doesn't seem to be a problem for his head to reach my shoulders. I speak gently :

"I know you'd probably think of me as some weakling, but just let it all out"

What am I even saying? I literally just blamed myself some minutes ago, why am I saying all of these to a person I just met? Wait, I know him, and I think he does too. But does it even matter at this point? Giving out kindness is something I should do, especially to myself.

Suddenly, I woke up, I got up to check the clock : 2:15 AM. I definitely fell asleep due to the warm water in this cold winter. Even so, I hope that guy, the person who is me MYSELF, felt a little bit of sympathy, warmth of mine giving to him. I open up the bathroom door, treating myself with some midnight snacks, Anime ( Jujutsu Kaisen all the way 😂) and midnight walks.

If the world doesn't love you or acknowledge your existence, you will be the one standing against this world yourself.