last night samuel confessed to me.
i dont know how to feel. i used to like him. we had this one night. i talked with him till.. 12? and it.. was magical. i felt so loved and seen. he kept flirting with me. i thought he loved me.
but he started ignoring me.
every time i messaged him, he would brush me off and he turned.. dry. so dry.. one word replies and he barely responded in time. i hated myself. for caring. for getting attached. for loving him. it was pathetic. i was pathetic.
two nights ago, i couldnt bear it anymore.
recently ive been worrying. hamail is leaving. and i know its not any time soon. i still have the rest of the school year with her. but i love her so much. shes my second half; the yin to my yang, the moon to my sun. she is the sky in which my inner bird flies; free of judgement, free to be myself, free.
but im gonna lose her. forever.
hamail is moving. to another school. and i cant keep in touch. all my other relationships have never worked. im scared hamail wont be different. im scared shell forget about me. im scared well drift apart. im so so scared. of everything. and i can never tell anyone this. i hadnt vented in like 2 years. i dont have anyone to. i used to have jaxon. now we dont talk. so i bursted
and
talked
to
samuel
again
.
i just told him to not talk and let me yap, about all my worries, my fears, my anxieties. and i dont know how much of my heart i poured out to this guy, who ghosted me and made me worry. and eventually he started comforting me. he told me to pray. i dont follow religion, but i tried to. and now we just talk. casually. and he told me he has a crush on me.
i really dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know
i
dont
know
dear future me. does it ever get better?
