Self War : Sam

I

November 25, 2008.
The sun rises to the cries of a hospitalized baby who hurt its mother during delivery and caused irreversible harm. According to the doctor, the baby was born in seven months. which resulted in its mother experiencing oppression that left her with chronic, excruciating back pain. The entire family cries, believing that the frail body, which was too weak to live, will not. The baby will not make it, according to the doctors.  They gave the infant the name Samia after she began to breathe. Was weaker in physique.

***

Life was so full of happiness. I used to use a ton of toys to play with my brother. Playing with my cousins, sharing a tiny home with my grandparents and other family members... Going to the nursery at 8 a.m. after going to bed at 10 a.m.

Then to 1st class, and the journey of topping every class...

1st class : 98.17% I remember I brought a trophy at my house and I was the happiest kid alive...
2nd class : 96%
3rd class : 97%
I skipped 4th class
5th : 1st division with A+ Grade
6th : Was 2nd with 91%
7th : 93
8th : A grade

We changed our house to a separate one.

...

began the phase of her life that was different... Everyone in the area seems to be devils. Target of an attempt to SA in LKG only... I have always detested student males. That time too I couldn't tell this to anyone and today its first time telling this to anyone litrally.

I wondered when the boys would be taken out of our school building after sixth grade. Sitting with all the girls will make me very happy. With no fresh dramas taking place...

At that point, I began to experience bullying in sixth and seventh grade. Utilized... Constantly held accountable...
Sometimes people are purposefully pushed off stairs as well.

Could not possibly tell anyone... After that, I would always sit by myself in a corner. I realized in eighth grade that I did not want to make any friends.

I began to witness discrimination in my own home at that point. The walls seemed like a cage. I wanted to get rid of them and flee. Constantly blaming myself for everything, constantly swore under my breath, never able to stand up for myself, and constantly isolating myself...

In the past, I would torture myself to go to school in order to get out of the house.

9th came... My scores went drastically down... Cuz in depression I forgot everything. I scored 71% in 9th.

I was struck by a period of extreme depression at that time. From an active child who wrote books, did crafts, sketched, did gymnastics, and studied... Everything became frozen like ice. I stopped talking and smiling, and I detested everyone and everything. I gave up writing books. I spent the last two months of my boards studying.

However, I did learn how to fight off the bullies, which was a good thing. I used to spend the entire class sitting on the last bench with my one and only friend, discussing ways to pass away more easily.

When everyone left the house for just five minutes, I used to cry. When I was by myself, I used to scream. I sobbed in a blanket as my mother lay only 10 cm from me.

Going through pain I secured 86.17% in my boards...

Now I'm in 11th ...

After the tenth grade, I discovered that I have severe ADHD, and I am so consumed by it that I cannot even concentrate on my studies.

I no longer have depression as a result of studying through the depression of the 10th grade, but I do have a lifelong disorder.

You cannot even tell anyone because they will not comprehend. Because of the people's anxiety, I wanted to die there last night while I was at a wedding.

Hugging is far away, and I will scream uncontrollably if someone touches just my hand, even if it is a friend. I spend my entire day singing, even in front of books.

There is something so fucking strange about it. At the moment, as I write this, all I want to do is curl up in a blanket and cry over some heartbreaking scenes. I never used to cry over emotional garbage before. I do all of that on a slide show screen because I cannot concentrate when I want to create graphics, watch videos, or talk to an AI. I always feel so at ease when I visit my grandmother. I cannot study a word, but I am so anxious about my studies... I will become insane.

And when I was already down to 40 kg, I lost even more weight. I want to cry somewhere.

I don't know why I wrote this, today just felt like... i wanted to write it in much more detail but due to my ADHD I can't focus on one thing...

Its painful when everyone in class is writing notes and I'm scribbling pen on wooden desk hiding from eyes of sir to not get catches... its painful to hearing about others score and seeing my score in tests in this class...

Im living in hope of a better future.
I love you all, ill surely return back the loss.

I don't know if I'm kind enough or not... I don't know what kind of person I'm... I don't know what's my goal in my life... I just crave some love... in real life a pat on my head... and only few minutes of condolences from someone... but don't even have guts to open up