Nostalgia

Unrecognized

I was here sa harap nang rotunda habang pinag mamasdan ang lalake na kinakausap ako ngayon. For the times na parati ko siyang pinupuntahan its also the first time na hinatid niya ako kahit dto lng sa highway.

The night is so beautiful and cold. Nararamdaman ko din ang pang lalamig nang mga paa ko dahil sa simoy nang hangin. Malapit na kasi ang december,pasko na.

I look at the man in front of me . He is not familiar to me yet how can he say something like that. The way he talks are different, his smiles are different, its not him.

"Cristine may Sasabihin sana ako sayo" sabi niya agad. Nag stop nlng ako sa paglalakad at napabuntong hininga.

Andito na nmn.

Nilingon ko siya sa likod ko and tinignan ko siya. His eyes are so beautiful like the moon, his skin are something that i will be jealous of forever, and his cheeks are paler than before.

"Bkit?" I ask. There was a silence in my surroundings kahit na nasa highway kami at maraming mga sasakyan na naririnig.

And my heartbeat they are beating fast as if im having a heart attack. I cant breathe and i feel cold.

" Pwede ba tayo mag usap?" He says. He looks at me with those eyes again.

If he will keep looking at me like that i will not help it.

"Ano yun sabihin mona. Ang oa mo nmn hahaha" i joke. Though my feelings are not in the mood of it. But i cant help it, its the least i could do para nmn maibsan tong nararamdaman ko.

" Gusto ko na sanang makipag hiwalay"

I feel like my world stops and then my heart stops beating also and my face begans to heat up. No wonder i cant recognize him. He was not the person who loved me before.

" Bakit nmn, ano nmng rason mo?" I ask not looking at him. Iniwaksi kona yung mga mata ko. Nag babadya na kasi ang luha ko sa mga mata ko.

Good thing i wore a hoodie kaya kahit papaano hindi ako nilalamigan pero hindi sapat para maibsan yung lungkot at takot.

" Matagal kona sana gustong sabihin to pero dkona kaso kaya"

"What do you mean na hindi mo kaya?" I breathe heavily. Pero not too much for him to notice.

"Ayoko na talaga sorry, mas gusto ko sana sabihin sayo nang personal kaya tinawag muna kita sa apartment para makapag paalam nang maayos, alam ko na ako ang mali, wag mo sana sisihin yung sarili mo....."

"Tumahimik kana!!" I yelled at him. Bagay na nagpatahimik sakanya. I never shout to him. Its the first time i did this because i cant take it any longer.

"....maghiwalay na tayo tine" he says. While looking at me. Hes so heartless how can he love someone and then leave when he know that they get attached to him.

How heartless of you.

"If thats your decision ayos lng sakin, if it whats makes you happy id accept it, ...."

Tinignan ko siya namg diretso nang may mga luha sa mga mata ko.

".....Alam ko nmn na darating tong araw natoh pero not this sooner, its heavy" i said. While sobbing.

Tinignan niya lang ako. Nakatayo lng siya sa harap ko.

" Christine sorry alam ko nahihirapan kana kaya ko toh ginagawa" he says.

" Wag kana magsalita,please stop. Tapos nako mag explain sayo please lng tama na. I already told you a thousand times that i love you and i will never get tired of you....ikaw lng ang napagod" i told him while i was clasping my hands in my chest.

" Please stop, tama na......gusto ko nlng umuwi" I breathe heavily. I cant breathe.

" Christine mahal kita" he says nung nakita niya na aalis nko.

"Stop lying, hindi moko minahal! If you do you would see me in every way and efforts that i do... Dapat alam mo kung anong mga sinakripisyo ko para sayo. I love you so much and i will die.....pero bakit hindi mo yun nakita"

I cried. I was there in times na kailangan niya ako, i was there when he ask for me, i made myself available in Times na he needs me, i was there loving him. But why does this happens to me.

" Tama na, please dont talk anymore. Masasanay nadin cguro ako kasi hindi mo nmn ako kinakausap palagi, even chats, you never even bothered to call unless you want to fuck me!!"

Im so pathetic. Ive never felt so low. I feel like i am dying.

" Wag kang mag alala, i love you so much that i will let you go" i said. Tinignan ko siya sa huling pagkakataon.

Maybe i was just his fucktoys maybe i was never loved. But i know i love him deeply because everytime i see those eyes that used to stare to me with adoration, those cheeks i used to kiss and those hands i used to feel always the remind me of my love to him.

I always kiss him to say goodbye everytime im out in his apartment.

Pinadyak ko ang katawan ko papalapit sakanya and i hug him. So tights as if it were the last. His body is so warm.

"Mag iingat ka. Mahal na mahal kita"

"Mahal na mahal din kita" he says. And he hugs back to me.

Kinalas ko na agpagkakayakap ko sakanya and itinaas kona ang hoodie ko.

At tuluyan nang tinalikuran siya. Fighting the urge to look back. Buo na ang decision niyang yun. Hindi na siya babalik sakin.

Its hurts. Naglakas ako papalayo sa may robinson and habang pinapadyak ko yung mga paa ko. Ay siya nmng pagbuhos nang malakas na ulan.

Ang malas nmn. Why does this always happens to me. Umiyak nlng ako nang napakalakas. Binuhos kona lahat nang sakit sa isang iyakan na. Its hurts so much

Nung kumalma na ako Sumakay na ako sa tricycle and bumalik na sa carig.

I remember how we meet for the first time. I remember how we kissed. I remeber how i said yes, i remember how i love this man more than me.

I used to be crazy in love but this oned different because his love doesn't involve cheating or anything hideous. This is a great lesson to me. A lesson i will gladly take again i fail.

Mukhang ito na ang magiging last trip ko pauwi galing sakanya. I miss you so much. I have to live in a world now without his good morning and goodnights and i love before i sleep.

It hurts. I feel like im dying.