The Secret of Min's Castle

Chapitre 9

Dear readers,

To motivate us in our long search, Jin had prepared a fire and a large quantity of coffee. The more we read about Mr Min's correspondence with the "seagull", the more I understood. Jin and I soon realized that this was a love letter, written to a man. The letters were full of contradictory feelings. Between the pleasure of self-discovery and shame.

They spoke of hiding places, of the right moment to find each other. They expressed guilt towards their families.

Among all these carefully written letters, one caught our attention. It was straightforward, written on a worn piece of paper. It was a confession from the seagull. It was as if he felt he had nothing left to lose.

"My tender friend, God knows I'd be willing to leave everything behind to take refuge in your arms. I curse my condition that forces me to love you from afar. Why must I restrain myself when everything in me burns for you. I don't have the right but, and yet I want you. So if your feelings are the same as mine, join me at the bandstand tonight at midnight (November 15, 1803).

 Jin tells me, "Look at the date it says 'November 15, 1803' which is exactly one month before the mansion accident." It was an uncanny coincidence.

Before going any further with our speculations, we decided to read on. Alas, we reached the last two letters. I had the horrible impression of witnessing the fall of an impossible love. I couldn't do anything about the past. A feeling of frustration was born.

The first of the last two letters was full of love: "You gave me your heart, forever this jade stone will seal the promise we made. Since the dawn of time, men have offered a word to the strongest sentiment, "love". I still want to love you. I'll wait for the day we leave together, I love you, Lee Hosoek.

Suddenly all my doubts vanished. The seagull was my father's pseudonym. And the jade stone he mentioned in the letter was actually the ring I wore around my neck.

I looked at it and it was engraved. It was the name of Min Yoongi's father "Min Namjoon". Jin looked at the one in the trunk. Looking pained, he said, "This one says 'Lee Hoseok'".

  I shouldn't have reacted like that, but a selfish feeling came over me. He wanted to leave with this man. I was only 13, I had no idea. Part of me was angry, without really knowing why.

Jin noticed my expression. I think he understood me. When he tried to talk to me, I quickly pulled away. I was out of control, angry at my father, angry at Mr. Min and angry at myself for condemning them.

At full speed, I went out into the snow in a simple shirt and no shoes. The cold icy ground punctured my feet. But nothing was more painful than the thousands of questions drowning my mind.

For the past ten years, my father had raised me with the sole aim of taking care of the son of the one he loved. I served no other purpose. I grew up with an absent father who lived only in the memory of those two years, and in the regret of not having been able to save him.

My head was about to explode, I was crying without looking at the path I was taking. I lost my balance when my foot caught in a bramble. I felt the spikes digging into my skin and suddenly realized I'd lost my way. With no strength left to get up, I looked up at the stars and shouted; 

"Daddy...I'm sorry, you must be in so much pain, I'm a monster ...."

"You're not, I know that better than anyone".

I turned around abruptly. Jin had followed me out into the cold. His shirt had been torn by the brambles on the path. He knelt down, at last our faces were at the same height. He took my face in his hands. I could feel the warmth of his palms, and his quick breath....

"You're not a monster. What you've just read is confusing and to be honest I would have been angry too. You're his daughter. But we often forget that our parents are also simple humans. Like us, they make mistakes and sometimes act selfishly. In this letter, it's not your father who's talking, it's the man in love who is.

He wiped the tears from my cheeks and added, "On the other hand, in the last letter, I read the words of a father. You had to look for yourself.

 My vision was blurred by tears but I tried to read "My friend, My love. You have been my new dream. But I cannot live in this idyllic night by your side forever. I have my daughter, you have your sons. We can't live selfishly. I refuse to let her grow up hating me. I refuse to be that kind of man.

If you're reading this message, it's because you didn't meet me at our rendezvous point. I can't go with you. Let's meet again in the next life. I can't go with you. My god I curse heaven, for making me love you. I'd like to hate you. Then it would be easier to leave you.

Jin said, "Your father gave up his love to honor his father's love.

 Still in shock, I asked, "Please, can you tell me when this letter was written? Jin hesitated for a moment, then said, "The day before Mr. Min Namjoon's accident.

Suddenly everything seemed to come together in my head: their relationship, the dates, their cancelled plans. Would Mr. Min have killed himself out of grief? Was that why my father had searched the contents of their consultations during our time in the States to find another reason?

I asked Jin, "Do you think you can die of a broken heart?

But Jin took a deep breath and said in a soft voice;

"Love is life. When you love someone, you suddenly have something to live for. Being heartbroken can leave scars, but I don't think that was the reason for Mr Min's death. Because before loving another person, we love ourselves, so that we can love others. But this self-love also serves to keep us going when the other leaves. I don't think that's the reason. Like my father, I don't believe in suicide.

"What do you mean? I say.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that the suicide hypothesis arrived without anyone looking any further. The local press and rumors had made it look like the ultimate folly of a mentally ill man. My father was at the scene of the accident. He saw what happened. The case was closed in just one evening. But a lot of the evidence doesn't add up. I'll be honest with you. Since you've been back, I've been curious enough to look at the case file. And my father was right. It's almost empty, as if what little information there is was created out of thin air."

Jin's work made me feel as if I were no longer fighting alone. At that moment, I couldn't help but look at him. He understood me. So, without controlling my body, I ran into his arms. And in a low voice he said, let's deal with the past now, but I know I want you in my future.