The Rise and Fall of the Universal Usurper

Part I: THE FAKE JACOBIN AND THE THERMIDORIAN COCKROACH

He woke up with his body aching and his memory fragmented. At first, the gray around him was an endless void; slowly, it began to take shape. The stone was tall and severe: at the top, there was a faint light that barely reached a spot on the floor, but the place was nauseatingly dark. In front of him, there was a door that was barely distinguishable. His head was spinning, and for a moment, he felt like it was going to detach from his body. Besides, he knew something was missing, an object whose absence made him feel naked.

Suddenly, the door was violently opened with a single blow, and then he saw a man with foam in his mouth, crossed eyes, one leg longer than the other, broad shoulders, and a small head. Napoleone Buonaparte was not intimidated by such an abrupt appearance and shouted:

"Where is my bicorne?!"

The horrific man of questionable humanity approached the young general rapidly and simply pummeled him with punches. He didn't just use his fists but also attacked with his legs and even his mouth, biting him ferociously. All the while, Napoleone let out howls of suffering.

"Do you know who I am?!" the monster-like man asked once he stopped.

Napoleone, injured everywhere, demanded again:

"Where is my bicorne?!"

The violent man responded by repeating his attack. Once he finished, he also repeated his words.

"Do you know who I am?!"

There was a moment of silence where Napoleone and his attacker stared at each other until the former yelled:

"Where the hell is my bicorne?!"

At that moment, the strange man, devoid of humanity, bent down, grabbed Napoleone, and began shaking him while letting out horrible screams. To emit these traumatizing shrieks, his mouth opened to the point that it seemed larger than his own head, and for a moment, Napoleone thought he was going to be swallowed by that monstrous void that roared and spat out strings of saliva and blood.

"I AM PAUL BARRAS!" roared the beast. Then, he threw Napoleone against the wall with immense force. "PAUL BARRAS!" he repeated.

After this revelation, Barras got on all fours, assuming a predatory stance. Napoleone, who had just lost several vertebrae, knew that what Barras was trying to communicate was that he should stop trying anything foolish.

"Where am I?" he asked.

The man, still on all fours, remained silent for a few seconds, then abruptly replied, his face twisted in anger:

"PAUL BARRAS."

Napoleone (who winced with every slight movement due to his broken bones) tried to reason with this so-called Barras, although his behavior seemed less than reasonable.

"Alright, Mr. Barras. Could you tell me why I'm here?"

Barras got back on his two feet, though this didn't make him seem any more human or normal. He searched through his clothes and pulled out a tattered paper of considerable size. He showed it to Napoleone, and he could see that it was a map of France.

"MINE!" Barras exclaimed.

"The map?"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" Barras repeated incessantly, shaking his head furiously.

"France?" Napoleone asked, and Barras stopped and smiled, revealing his horrifying, rotting, yellow teeth.

"YES. MINE."