Tamlin's thoughts.

001

as i pace through the remnants of what used to be a mansion of flourishing nature – i shudder from the sight of thorns clasping through the walls. overgrown and melancholic. just like that panoply of dark and cryptic feelings that festered within my chest.

how does it feel like i'm being suffocated by being so empty?

i ran my calloused fingers in the door frame that once used to be a room of laughter – a place that emitted the smell of paint, a blast of color that ran through the white canvas and a woman that I undeniably loved in the center of the room – in front of an easel. Now, that memory is as distant as he could ever imagine.

cruel, beautiful thing. To love and long for the same woman who saved and ruined me. I paused, a stark and abrupt thought creeped into the oubliettes of my mind. Did I, in fact, love her? Or was I too focused on what was at stake? The bargain I had with Amara—, I still am struggling to speak or think of the wretched name. Maybe she had won after all, doomed us all in our minds.

an image of Feyre crying as she cradled her lifeless mate in her arms bellowed in my mind, her screams eclipsed grief, transcended loss, and outstripped every battle I have lost and won and endured. She was in so much pain and agony, even that was an understatement.

i tried to pinpoint what it felt like when her neck snapped before me, how the woman (I claimed I loved) died and took her last breath. What I felt was nowhere near the misery she felt when her mate was limp in her arms. Maybe I did not love her as much as I had thought, but I loved her nonetheless.

"Be happy, Feyre." I heard myself say, her heartache like a scent that reeked around us, a dark shadow that encompassed everyone within that odious cave. I could not stand it, I could not fathom the love that she lost and was willing to do anything for, to die for, just to get it back.

i clenched my teeth as my offered kernel of power sunk into the moveless chest of her mate, I silently prayed to the Cauldron, hoping that all my mistakes, my shortcomings and sins were forgiven. Even if I knew, they weren't, and might never will be.