My Story -Told by Avonlea Smith

Part 1 ✨When I was little✨

When I was younger, I was so carefree and happy, but when I got older I learned a few things, one: is, I can only Truth count on myself in making my dreams come true. Because the help I needed never came for me. So I've been alone in making my dreams come true, as far as I can remember.

Back then my only dreams were getting to be myself without being judged but that dream was crushed when I was 10 years old, finding out, any person will judge because they don't know that's not their job. Even so I know my dreams are impossible and even at this point, I still try and achieve them..

Do this day I keep living- but it's been hard every day of my life, I hate how I have to be expected to do good everyday in school, I hate I have to sleep in class when I can do much better. And I just fail over and over again.

Also back then, I would get bullied picked on, just for stuff I liked and what I did back then which I do have a problem with today, but I'm not going to get into that. And as I've gotten older, I've learned to take care of myself.

But now at times I don't want to at all because I'm literally just so down all the time, it hurts the most when I make my sister's upset and how I rant all the time about how selfish I am when upsetting them, I use methods to stop the selfishness.

And for me it didn't work out so much because today, when I try and ask for help, I blame people that they are like I don't want to help you anymore and I'm like, no she's amazing, She's always willing to help me and talk it out.

Instead I'm just sitting in my own self-pity. Not understanding they need time to heal and help, because I'm just rushing and rushing, and I never look at the good things I have, I try every day to prove I need and want the things I have today.

Even when I was in my time healing myself, I just spent countless hours writing all the stuff I should be doing to improve but even now after IV been released back home, I've been falling back into my old bad habits.

And My sister helped me see that, what I needed to improve our relationship and taking care of myself, I've learned so much from people I care about, I try to write but, days that follow I'll slowly lose motivation to keep my writing afloat.

If you feel this same pain I do about not feeling like you've been seen or heard, feeling like you're just not good enough, I feel like that all the time, so just drop a comment if you feel like that sometimes-

Have you ever had a time where you wanted your dreams to come true so bad, but you can't seem to make it happen every time you try, it makes you want to give up, I know I want to give up so bad, but I have people who tell me to keep going to keep doing my hobbies.

But I just can't seem to keep going anymore, I can't find my motivation to keep my books updated or just hazbin stuff, I can't eat, I don't want to sleep either, I just want to write out my feelings, which is kinda helping so far-

I am so sorry you have to read this vent/rant thing instead of the normal books, I swear I will feel just as emotionless as I feel rn if this hasn't been seen soon, and here we go again with the impatience, I have a problem and I just can't find out how to fix it...

I'm sorry you have to read this, if you don't even want to that's also fine with me. But to those who have people who care about them- cherish them, keep them in your life- respect them, don't make the same mistakes I had In keeping my loved ones with me.

I can't even begin on how lazy I am, I don't do work in class, I come off as weird and gross From what I do, and what I try not to do anymore- I absolutely hate the guys in my class, and I hate I just sit around and get weaker and more lazy.

I just wanted to push out my sad feeling not to come off as complaining to my sister's, I'm just someone, who wants to be noticed and to have the father-daughter bond I have never had. But I can't do that due to the situation- I want to update more- but I just can't rn, I love every single one of you, not myself rn, myself is trash rn.

I'm sorry to make this long, but I'm just trying to feel out my words, I have a feeling, I can't even decide rn, I just feel I want something but then I feel afraid of it as well, it hits me but loves me, it says mean but true things about me..

I'm just looking at the past, I end up in a room, the self I don't look like but want to look that way is crying- why would I be doing that? Because I'm feeling depressed and sad- I feel alone not heard or seen, I feel like when I explain my ideas they all get shot down for being to weird.

I can't even explain how useless I feel, right now- I feel useless when I can't help, or when I upset someone, it's what's wrong with me- I can help anyone in the hole world, and they could be a bad person you never know, they could take advantage but... Still for me I try to help as much as I can.

Now I guess I should rap this up before it gets way to long, this will be a monthly upload series or my rants or vents if you up for it... Well enjoy yourselves- Me Avy signing off.

Have a great- night- Afternoon or morning, where ever you are in this world, I know you matter just as anybody else.. but not me.. I don't deserve this- kill my selfish nature.

Good by, huns.