I know I'm gonna regret posting this chapter but it's becoming a problem and I need to bring it up.
Keep in mind while reading that I'm ONLY saying this because it needs to be brought up. Don't give me any more sympathy, and especially pity from the words in this chapter. I don't want to be more of a burden than I already am.
Clowning me is incuraged here, if it gets my mind, or yours, off whatever mess this is, then so be it.
!!WARNING!! I usually refrain from using strong words, but right now, I have no hesitation. So swearing, and uncomfortable things WILL be brought up here. And if you don't like that, leave.
Alright, One of the main reasons I made this chapter was to talk about my mental state. And there are three main things I'll be talking about. My mental state, IIe18... and....
I hate myself.
There. I said it. No turning back from this.
I hate how I look, I feel like a freak, I'm supposed to be the perfect 15 year old girl that my family wanted... but... I'm not... and I blame myself and this damned body for not being able to figure myself.
I will never so self harm. And have never even fucking thought about suicide, but the pressure is getting to me.. and I'm starting to do internal damage instead.
Purposely not eating so I don't have to deal with the damm things that come with being female, Not sleeping(though that is more Artist brain then anything), the list of trauma responses I relate too, the list goes on. I'm shaking almost every day and the start of this spiral was my dog dying. And I'll start going in order of events.
Wally, My 18yold chihuahua, who my family had before my life even began, gone. I was paranoid at the time, feeling like I could've done something, but I couldn't. And I knew that. What a way to start the year. I started going down a spiral of paranoia, and schoolwork bringing back trauma I even forgot about. Then one day, I started interrogating myself, questioning my reality with the family I have.
My life is weird. Having a 70yold dad, a 60yold mom, a half sister that is 45, two half brothers who are in their 30's, A redhead brother, and a twin. Just thinking about the mortality of my parents made my anxiety spike over and over again. Combine that with the loss of a dog weighing on my shoulders, questioning everything, and the trauma I had experienced and forgot about relating to school, and you got someone who is fucked up the whole way through.
I remember watching the entirety of TDOS after and crying as soon as Computor's ghost came into view. "Break Down" becoming a song I still constantly sing too, and then stumbling across a pannel of a comic while getting references and deciding to read Inanimate Experiments. I was incredibly interested in the concept of fusing two completely different objects in both body type, and personality, watching them get used to it, and the fear garden memories I had. Lightbulb practically dying there, leaving Paintbrush alone in their broken body, though not at the time, now really resinates with me now. Knife killing the bitch that was Testtube before I kept seeing something in the comments, "EXP.21 ref".
Now, one thing you might, or might not know about me is that I'm very empathetic. And sync with character's emotions and pain perfectly. Even if I haven't felt the pain they have, My body makes up its own. So, what a wonderful way to purposely desensitize me to death then this fanfic.
It was a mistake. I went in, Thinking this would be a perfect way to help with the lingering thought of my dad dying. Might as well desensitize myself from it after all... well, spoiler alert, it worked. much later then I wanted.
YOU ARE READING
Exposing my art folder
RandomDon't worry, this time there is enough for all of you. This is where I shove my art, random pictures from my gallery, and the occasional random off topic thing! Enjoy hell! Back to the Void I go. -|-PLEASE NOTE!-|- If you use my art in a...