A Decade of Snow

A Decade of Feelings

There was something sanguine in the midst of all the noise. It was almost lethargic, but blossomed in your heart no less violently than the feeling of those fingertips on your shoulder. Callous but warm, they were like rough paper on your skin. You, who had strayed from the colorful lights and sound of this year's winter festival, find yourself accompanied by a shadow. Someone you thought was long gone.

"How could it be you?" How could it be anyone but you, you meant to say. With no reply but the tiniest breeze by your ear, words were imaginary. What could he possibly say now, that every secret has been unlocked, and the show is over. It was like finishing your favorite book for the hundredth time, knowing it never continues beyond that point. It's time to face that not a soul knows what's in the 'ever after', and you must turn in for the night. Treasured letters on a hard cover, soft smiles, and a warm light overhead; it felt true for just a moment. The innocent moments will be cherished for as long as they last. But the guilty moments, they will evocate for a lifetime. That guilt lingers over your back now with the face of someone you knew.

It didn't feel like fireworks, or a spark you once had. His hand slid to the side of your shoulder, holding it like glass. The lantern glittering in your hand made everything seem like a memory with him by your side. Every night that wasn't pretend, wasn't a role of his to play, what you remember about the real version of himself: they flew down from the sky, landing on your lashes and nose. It started snowing the first night you met him too. Only this time, the silence was uncomfortable.

The will of your tongue held strong, keeping the space between you silent for longer. The more he resisted to answer, the less willing you were to turn around. "Speak to me and I will face you." You made no move to reach for his hand, demanding an answer. "...Tell me that you're real." The world wouldn't stop spinning, and your legs were near collapse. The seconds that ticked were more like hours of anguish, until that hand left your side.

"...What do I say?" There was no mistake, no game, no hallucination. It was him. The cold ache in your heart turned into longing, and you spun on your heel the fastest you could. Only then did he see the hot tears gushing down your face, slowly freezing over from the temperature. You rushed him instantly, wrapping your arms around his waist like you just remembered someone you forgot your whole life. You took the air out of him as he stumbled back, his leg getting stuck in the thickness of the snow. Finally, you see him.

He looked just like you remembered, but without the makeup. Either an angel or the devil himself, his deep eyes were widened at you. Your face is kissed by disheveled red hair as you make eye contact. The strands were matted and full of dirt, but that was all of his outfit. It didn't matter, you would clean it out for him later. Now that he was back, you could do everything you wanted. Everything you couldn't do, not before he disappeared and left you in the snow.

Now, he returns arms wide in the middle of a blizzard, as if life has been the same since he vanished. Perhaps, he thought you forgot about him. As nobody else had ever thought about him like you, maybe he believed you would seldom remember his face. But no, you missed it all. His eyes, his quivering lips, his ridiculous scarf and play get up, and that stupid daisy. You loved it all. Granted, the flower was billowing in the strong wind that accompanied the weather now. You figured it'd be best if you got out of the snow, but something held you there in the cold. Your feet did not budge, and all of you stayed in his embrace.

"What took you so long?" was all you could say through the safety of his chest. "You left me, and never came back. Why? You said you would meet me here. Twelve years ago. Today." Your soft cries stained his scarf and dress shirt, heightening the guilt he already felt. "I had to go away. I thought there was time, but..." He trailed off as you gave him the most horrified expression he'd ever seen in his life. "...not enough time? No, no. There is never enough time. Not between you, and me. There will never be enough time for us, will there?" His visage changed, but relayed no answer for you. He knew as much as you that not a thing in the universe would wait for you both; not for him, anyway. Joker did not deserve a happy ending. You knew.

Even through that, you embrace him with your kind arms. You hold his hand as you both leave the same spot he had left you years ago. You smile with tears as you welcome him back. You bring him back home. A home that he didn't deserve. And with the most raw, and earnest feelings in your heart you admit you'd saved a spot for him on your couch. For 12 years, you never believed someone would fill that seat again until now.

He sits still, like an anchor. You pull him over into your lap with a calm smile.

"In this cold weather, all I imagined holding was you."