Letters

May 17 2018
I was told to write to you. I don't know what to say, or what to feel. I actually should make it clear that I don't want to talk to you. That is why I blocked your number and tried to forget you. I probably should clear some things up though. I feel I would regret it if I left you with no explanation. I want to meet with you next week. Monday the twentieth, at the park we used to go to. Be there at nine in the morning. If you are late, I will leave. Make sure to be sober. I hope you will finally understand.
-Jason Walz
May 21 2018
Did you just ignore my letter? I never got a single thing back from you and I didn't see you at the park. Can't you clearly see that this is important? You are the one who wants closure after all. I don't even care! This is something you wanted anyways. Hey, maybe you didn't get my letter at all. If this one goes through, can you please respond so we can set up a time to talk? I honestly don't care what you do; just don't mess it up, ok? I have enough on my plate without you stressing me out.
Thank you for your kind consideration!
-Jason Walz
May 25 2018
Thanks for responding. No, I am not unblocking your number. I don't want it to go back to how it was. I only want to exchange letters and meet up to talk. Come to the park on the thirtieth at four in the afternoon. I need to sort some things out with you. If you ignore this letter too, this will be the last time you hear from me. You have no idea how little I want to talk to you. Once we talk, this is over. Sort of unrelated, but can you bring Kaine? I miss the old dog.
-Jason
June 1 2018
I hope you enjoyed that talk. I feel like you have your explanation now. Mom is proud of you for going. I am surprised that you did. I also hope you were sober. I don't need that stuff in my life right now. Thank you for bringing Kaine. He has gotten pretty old. I'm glad he still remembered me. If you ever want to try to contact me (I hope you don't), just mail to this address. I will not respond but I will read them. Try not to screw up too badly anymore.
-Jason
June 25 2018
I'm actually so surprised you sent a letter the other day. I don't know how many times I have to say this to you, but I don't want a relationship with you. You messed it up. I made that decision, so be a parent for once and respect it. Stop begging like a hungry dog for me to come get ice cream with you, or go on a walk. I want to go on with my life, no matter how badly you messed it up. I suggest you turn things around and lead your own life the way you want to. I don't feel sorry for you. I did what I had to so I could live my best life. You wouldn't do that for me at all, so I had to do that for myself. Thanks. I don't want to keep being a jerk, I just don't love you like you beg me to.
-Jason
July 19 2018
Hey, I was again told to write to you. This is only to wish you a happy birthday. I hope things are and will continue to be going well for you. I also want to take a moment to apologize for everything I said last month in that letter. I went a bit too far. I was awful. I do not believe anything I said was wrong, I really meant it. I simply shouldn't have said all that. I hope your birthday goes well and please give Kaine some love for me. Mom says that she also wishes you a happy birthday. I should clean up my room now. See you.
-Jason
July 27 2018
I told you that I want you to stop begging. Why would I want to go get ice cream with you? I've told you countless times that I don't want a relationship with you. If I choose to go with you, will you leave me alone? Nah nevermind. I don't want to see you again, Dad. All you have done for me is cause pain. I don't need more. I'm really sorry. I should focus on having a fun summer for now. Please stop contacting me if all you want is something I will never say yes to.
-Jason
August 1 2018
What is wrong with you? You beg and beg me to have a relationship that I do not want with you. This is your fault. When you started using when I was younger, you set yourself on this path. I do not feel bad for you. Now you are trying to pay me to hang out with you? That is pathetic! Pull yourself together and act like the adult you claim to be. It's for your own sake. I was sick and tired of watching you OD among other things over and over and over again. I had enough, and now you are paying your price. I don't think you are a good person, Dad. Everyone in your life was a stepping stone for you to feel good about yourself. Did we even matter to you? That's a dumb question; of course we didn't. Remember when we promised to never say goodbye to each other until one of us was on the death bed? Screw that. Goodbye Dad.
-Jason
August 8 2018
I saw you in the paper this morning... I don't even know if this letter can or will reach you. I need you to know that I'm so very sorry. It really is my fault. Maybe if I wasn't so hard on you, or tried to help you, or loved you, I wouldn't have to see that my father is in the hospital from a near lethal overdose. I know that you must have wanted to die. I shouldn't have been so upset with you. All you ever wanted was your son in your life. I am sorry I took that from you. There are things that I cannot forgive you for, but I shouldn't have completely ripped you out of my life. I'll try to keep in touch for now until we can properly sort this out.
-Jason
August 19 2018
Thank god you're alive. I don't love you, but I would be a bad person if I said I want you dead. Your letter said you are in rehab? I really hope that goes well for you, and I'm glad you volunteered. Feel free to keep me posted on how things are going. I'm not sure if I'd answer, but it's whatever you want.
-Jason
August 26 2018
Hey Dad. I was told that I should go visit you this week. I will try to be there so that we can  have a proper talk. I hear that your girlfriend is taking care of Kaine? I hope he's doing alright. I feel like an awful person lately. I shouldn't have been so furious with you. I don't expect you to forgive me though. I'm sure not gonna forgive you. Maybe we don't have to be as awful to each other anymore though. I'll stop in as soon as I can. I have a lot going on in my schedule, with drama club and all. See you.
-Jason
September 3 2018
I'm glad to see that you are doing better now. I hope that you feel a bit better after hearing what I had to say. That said, I still don't forgive you. You have done things to me and Mom that you don't seem to understand. We feel pain everyday because of you. We are proud of you for getting better. You mentioned, when I saw you, that you don't understand my perspective? It really isn't hard if you take a moment to think about anybody but yourself. Either way, I'll remind you. When you started using, I was five. I didn't know the first thing about drugs. I was a kindergartener. Anyways, I would sometimes walk up to you and you would draw me close. I could smell the reeking mix of body odor and a fading high on you. You would hug me and tell me that it's a super big secret, and that Mommy can't know. I keep growing up, and I get used to seeing you like this. You stop coming home from work most nights. One day, when I was just eight, I came downstairs to see Mom crying. She was scared to death of what you might be doing, and she was confused. I was old enough then to have a basic knowledge of what you were doing, so I told her. She confronted you of course. You deserved it. What did you do? Remind me. I seem to remember watching your bony fist fly through the air and into her face. In front of me. I could be wrong though, maybe my memory fails me. What next? Oh yeah, you put a red hand mark firmly on my face. Are you proud of that? Next, I'm ten. It's my birthday. When I was blowing out the candles, I wondered why my dad wasn't there. I had become used to your absence, but on my birthday? That was unheard of. After the party was over, we drove home from McDonalds. We were stopped in traffic on our way. The police were in the park, putting a bony man with a needle in his arm up into an ambulance. Need I say more, dad? Is that enough for my perspective? I hope so because I could say much more to you. Remember when my mom brought the divorce papers to you? Yeah, not something either of us want to bring up. Have a great day.
-Jason
September 16 2018
I hear you are getting let out of rehab soon? I hope that goes well, and that this helped you. I also hope that my opinions have motivated you to avoid future mistakes. Anyways, I am at rehearsal writing this at the moment, and I should probably get ready to go back on stage. Oh yeah, my friend Connor says hi. Do you remember him? Son of Officer Reeves? It doesn't really matter. He just remembers when you would take us all to the movies sometimes. It's almost time for Moonface Martin to enter, so I'd better go. He's the role I'm playing in the musical. I guess I'll talk to you some other time.
-Jason
September 28 2018
I'm glad you actually liked rehab. I honestly thought you would be bored with it. On another note, I've given a few things some considerable thought. Would you like me to unblock your number for the sake of easier communication? Keep in mind, I still don't want a relationship with you. I do not love you. I just want to be available in case you need me. Is that reasonable? I don't know about it, Mom was the one who suggested that I do that. She really is a great person. You should be grateful for how forgiving she is. She does have a soft spot for many people though, being a teacher and all. Her students love her. Anyways, let me know what you think. See you.
-Jason
October 5 2018
Wow, that is surprising. I honestly appreciate sending letters as well. I suppose we can continue to just communicate via letters. This will definitely work. Anyways, how is Kaine doing? He's gotta be getting pretty old. I remember when you brought him home that one day. How old was I? Six? Yeah I think so. He was such a good puppy. I loved him so much. Wow he has gotta be like nine years old now. I miss him. I have therapy in a few minutes. I should probably get ready to go. If you ever need to talk to me, you know how to contact me. I'll see you
-Jason
October 17 2018
Hey I was told to reach out to you again. My mom wants to know if you would like to come see the musical I've been working on. It's this Friday and Saturday. Both at seven at night. I feel like you would enjoy it. It's very funny. If you can come, that's great. If not, that's great. I really don't care. Only go if you want to and please, for the love of everything, be sober. Thank you for sending me that picture of Kaine by the way. You are still really good at photography. You should try to see if the Daily Bridge will take you back. I hear their current photographer is struggling. Anyways, I gotta go.
-Jason
October 26 2018
Thank you for coming to the show, I hope you liked it. I'm also very grateful you showed up sober. You are looking much better these days. That said, I am upset that you tried to hug me. I tell you over and over that I don't want a relationship with you, yet you try to hug me. It's just disrespectful at this point. Please stop. I do appreciate the effort to an extent, but that ship has sailed Dad. I hope you continue to get better. I'm happy for you. On another note, I am fairly excited for Halloween. I'm not sure if you remember, but it is my favorite holiday. I'm going to Connor's house to watch movies and some of my other friends will be there too. It should be pretty fun. I don't hate you, Dad. Try to remember that.
-Jason
November 2 2018
Thank you for understanding. With this, I'm gonna send you some pictures from Halloween. I figured that if you want to be a part of my life so bad, you might want to see what I'm up to. Anyways, I honestly hate November. Nothing memorable happens except Thanksgiving, which is the worst holiday. Seriously, it is so boring. I hate eating lots of food. It makes me feel like a water balloon. I'm glad that you applied for that job though. I hear that New England photographers get paid quite a lot. Just don't spend it on drugs please. Talk to you soon.
-Jason
November 12 2018
I'm so glad that all that stuff is working out for you. After getting your last letter, I checked to see if Mom would be ok with me having Thanksgiving with you. She isn't unfortunately. Mom wants to meet up with you at some point. I'll hand the pen to her for a second so she can elaborate.
-Jason
Hi Andrew, It's Sharon. How are things? I hear from Jason that you are improving. Admittedly, he is a bit all over the place emotionally. He has been since all those things happened with you and the addiction. Jason has trouble sorting out his emotions, so I do apologize if he has been hostile toward you or anything. I'm not permitted to read his letters to and from you. They seem oddly important to him. He does love you, he just doesn't think he wants to. I hope you understand my decision to not have Jason have Thanksgiving with you. We can meet on Saturday at Jake's to discuss why Jason can't handle it. Not right now at least. He's still struggling to sort out his mind.
Thanks!
-Sharon Walz
November 22 2018
Hey Dad. Did you see that it's snowing now? I love the snow. It's so peaceful. I'm sorry I can't go to Thanksgiving today. I happened to see your response to my mother. I'm not sure if I was or wasn't supposed to see that, but I'm sorry either way. I see that you were talking about me having some problems sorting my emotions? I would probably agree honestly. It's been very hard for me since everything happened. When Mom brought the divorce papers to you, you started smashing everything, and you found a knife and made us watch you cut yourself. It ruined me on the inside Dad. I will never forgive you. However, we can recover. I may be open to a very slight relationship with you if you are still open to that. Just a thought. I don't know, maybe I'm being stupid. Just let me know what you think, yeah?
-Jason
November 30 2018
I'm glad to hear that! Mom said that your talk at Jake's was good? I'm glad there isn't too much bad blood. She said you were sober as well. That's really good. I'm also good with having a small relationship if you are. You did say you were so we are fine doing that I guess. I knew that you would want to, and after all, it may help your recovery. Let me know if you ever want to do anything. I'm chuckling at myself right now actually. A few months ago, I hated you. Old me would never believe that I would finally love you again. I really do. It took some time but I am ready to be your son again. Still, I don't forgive you. See you.
-Jason
December 7 2018
Hey Dad. How has work been? I hope it's been going well. I have been doing great recently. I'm doing well in school, my friends are great, and I have you in my life again. I'm honestly pretty glad that you are. I feel so bad for the way I have been treating you. I have not forgiven you yet. I won't ever, but we will recover together. I do want to be your son again. I'm so proud of you for everything you have done. This reminds me, would you want to come over for Christmas? I want to be around my whole family. You deserve a happy Christmas as much as the rest of us. I guess we'll see. Let me know what you think. Mom also says that it would be fine. Anyways, I love you. I'll talk to you soon. If I don't see you, have a Merry Christmas
With love, Jason
January 1 2019
Dear Jason,
I know you said on Christmas that you didn't want to exchange letters anymore, but I think just one more from me was needed. More specifically, an apology is needed. I am a bad person. I did horrible things to you and your mother. I think you should know the full story. After all, you were young back then. It started, like you said, when you were five or so. I have no excuse, no reason for why I started using. I simply wanted to. It tore me apart. I began to view the dealers and other frail, decaying users like me as my true family. My mind was twisted. I dreaded coming home. My true home was wherever I could feel the most well. That place was always with my dealers. They rubbed off on me. I became a horrible and abusive person. I was a bad father. I always saw how badly it hurt you, and I hated myself for it. To make me feel better, I used more, when I should have fixed my life. I think I'm in a much better place right now. I always have and always will love you Jason. You are my son. I will do whatever it takes to be the best father I can be from now on. I promise you. We will fix things. If it is ok with you, I would like my old letters back, and you should have yours. I do want you to keep this one. Maybe someday you can put them all in a book or something and look at how you've changed in the last seven or so months. I'm so proud of you kid. Keep being better than me.
-Dad
May 17 2024
I told myself I should write this. I don't know what to say, or what to feel. I do know that this time, it's not for my parent. It's for myself and whoever decides to read these letters. Addiction tore my family apart. It also shattered my heart. I still live in pain every single day. Things do get easier though. I'm a pretty happy person now for the most part. I wouldn't change a thing if I could honestly. If I hadn't had all this happen to me, I'd still be that immature teenager angry at the world for one person's problems. I haven't forgiven what happened with my parent. I am recovering. So are many addicts. What I've noticed is that people seem to look at people with addiction and similar problems as animals. I don't know whether it is intentional or not for most people, but it is wrong. People have problems. Sometimes what can help give a person a push to help themselves is just a little love and support. They don't need to be treated like the scum of the earth. They are not all bad people. They do have problems, but they are just as human as the rest of us, and they need help from us. For the children and family of addicts, I see you. I know what you are feeling to an extent, even if just a little. It isn't your fault. Things do get better. You simply need to know that you are loved and that everyone who loves you wants to help you. You also need to prepare for the pain, the tears, the fear, and the tough love to come. You will survive this. Don't let someone else's tragedy become your tragedy.
-J.